12 Signs Someone Was Chronically Invalidated As A Child And It’s Affecting Them Now, According To Psychology
Is your childhood holding you back? Find out the lasting impact of chronic invalidation.
Pheelings media | Shutterstock Your childhood can have a major impact on the rest of your life. A positive childhood helps set the foundation for a fulfilling adulthood. Unfortunately, not everyone experiences a healthy childhood.
One of the most harmful experiences at an early age is chronic invalidation, which can deeply affect a person’s development. Chronic invalidation occurs when a child’s feelings, thoughts, or experiences are consistently dismissed or belittled. Dr. M, a clinical psychologist, shared on Instagram the 12 signs that adults who were chronically invalidated as children may show, and how this affects them later in life.
Chronically invalidated kids become adults who exhibit these 12 signs:
1. 'Have a hard time identifying what they are feeling'
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Differentiating emotions can be challenging, often signaling a deeper issue. For instance, people may struggle to identify if they’re feeling angry, sad, afraid, or a mix of emotions. This difficulty is known as alexithymia, a condition where individuals have trouble recognizing, labeling, and expressing their emotions.
Alexithymia, according to Medical News Today, is not a mental health disorder. Research suggests, however, that of the 13% of the population that experiences the emotion void, a high percentage have diagnosed conditions like depression and PTSD. Alexithymia is also more prevalent in men and has been linked to autism. Since the difficulty expressing and feeling emotions is not technically a disorder, treatment options are limited to co-occurring conditions, unfortunately.
2. 'Are reluctant to share their true emotions with others'
In addition to simply being reluctant to share their feelings with others, Dr. M added that chronically invalidated children often become adults who are "aloof or emotionally distant in relationships." Sharing true emotions can be difficult, and it’s even harder when your partner leaves you unsure about their feelings.
Constantly guessing and hoping for clarity can drain your energy, and relationships that create uncertainty can lead to overthinking and emotional strain. "An emotionally unavailable person has a hard time receiving love and other deep emotions from others," explained Alyson Cohen, LCSW, a therapist for teenagers, young adults, and couples based in New York City. She added that reading a partner's feelings is equally challenging for them "because they can hardly understand their own."
3. 'Don’t fully trust their own judgment and often second guess themselves'
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Self-trust is essential for a healthy relationship with yourself. When you lack self-trust, it becomes difficult to make decisions, follow your instincts, and take advantage of opportunities. Signs of not trusting yourself include seeking constant reassurance, procrastinating, avoiding your own needs, feeling guilty about decisions, and comparing your choices to others. This lack of self-trust can stem from fear, past experiences, or emotional abuse, as noted by Sanjana Gupta from Verywell Mind.
The consequences of not trusting yourself can include anxiety, depression, sleep problems, and physical health issues like memory impairment and heart disease, according to Gupta. To rebuild self-trust, focus on tuning into your feelings, boosting your self-esteem, and practicing positive visualization instead of imagining the worst outcomes. With time, you can restore confidence in your judgment.
4. 'Are prone to overthinking and seeking reassurance to feel a greater sense of certainty and control'
According to Licensed Professional Counselor Stacy Quick, individuals prone to overthinking and seeking reassurance often exhibit traits common in anxiety disorders, especially obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). A key symptom of OCD is the need to eliminate uncertainty through constant checking and reassurance, which can become so subtle that you may not even realize you're seeking validation. While seeking reassurance is natural and can feel good, it becomes problematic when it’s constant.
To break this cycle, it’s important to accept uncertainty and let go of the need for control, especially over your emotions. Start by challenging the compulsion to seek reassurance, reminding yourself that these feelings will pass without needing to act on them. Share your plan with trusted individuals and ask them not to accommodate your compulsions. With practice, you can regain control over overthinking and reassurance-seeking.
5. 'Are highly self-critical and assume others are as critical of them as well'
It's normal to encounter self-doubt, but if the feeling seems chronically present in your everyday life, it's likely a sign of excessive self-criticism. According to Psychology Today, if your self-judgment weighs heavily on the critical side of the spectrum, you probably also experience a "fear of failure and rejection."
To reduce self-criticism, it's important to understand its origins and impact. Pay attention to your inner dialogue and challenge harsh self-talk. For example, instead of thinking "I look horrible today," try reminding yourself, "I am beautiful and worthy." Practicing self-compassion and being mindful of when you’re being overly critical can help you develop a healthier mindset.
6. 'Rarely ask for help or accept help'
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There’s nothing wrong with being independent, but individuals who rarely ask for or accept help may be exhibiting hyper-independence, which often leads to burnout. Clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Marschall from Verywell Mind defines hyper-independence as an attempt to handle everything alone, even when it’s unhelpful or when support is needed.
When the desire for independence becomes extreme, it can cause personal and relational issues. Hyper-independent individuals avoid asking for help, even when it’s detrimental, and may struggle with trust and forming healthy relationships. This behavior can stem from trauma. To overcome hyper-independence, it's important to explore its roots, work on healing, and gradually learn to trust others, even if it takes time.
7. 'Tend to take things personally and are very sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism'
According to Dr. Megan Anna Neff from Neurodivergent Insights, individuals who are highly sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism may experience "rejection sensitivity." It’s a condition marked by intense emotional reactions to even minor slights or feedback that others may view as neutral. Those who experience “rejection sensitivity” often feel deeply hurt or threatened by criticism, even when it seems insignificant to others.
Without validation in childhood, it makes sense that any constructive feedback from colleagues or even loved ones would and could be interpreted as a personal slight. Dr. Neff succinctly explained that "our innate need for connection and belonging is rooted in our history, profoundly influencing our emotional experiences and social interactions."
8. 'Self-isolate to deal with strong emotions'
Sheldon Reid from HelpGuide.org, a leading mental health website, explained that individuals who self-isolate to cope with intense emotions may be dealing with depression, anxiety, or social phobia. These conditions can make social interactions feel more overwhelming or intimidating.
Self-isolation often leads to deep loneliness, which can trigger negative emotions, such as self-doubt and questioning one’s worth. Loneliness can also activate your nervous system’s “fight-or-flight” stress response, causing physical symptoms such as muscle tension, digestive issues, and chest pains.
If you’re feeling lonely, you’re not alone, and the more you take the initiative to reach out, the better your chances of overcoming loneliness.
9. 'Don’t fully trust others'
Dr. M noted that chronically invalidated children may grow into adults who, through a lack of trust, "hide parts of themselves from other people or be different in social situations than they are alone at home. Sometimes, this feels like putting on a mask."
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According to Charlie Health, people who struggle with trust and hide parts of themselves, acting differently in social situations than when alone, may engage in "masking behavior." This "coping mechanism" is used to protect themselves or fit in with societal expectations.
Everyone does this to some degree. We hide unsavory feelings or emotions to keep the peace in many circumstances. Think of the expression "bite your tongue." The difference between masking and self-modulation, however, is that the individual who uses masking as a coping mechanism is putting on an entire performance in public. Children who never learned to love themselves through validation from their family often mask because they don't think their true selves are worthy to share with those around them.
10. 'Avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships; even though a strong bond is desired, they may choose people who are distant and unavailable'
According to the Attachment Project, people with avoidant attachment often avoid intimacy and vulnerability, even though some desire a strong bond. While they may sometimes choose distant or unavailable partners to maintain emotional distance, they don’t always do so intentionally.
This behavior can lead to loneliness and prevent deep connections. The good news is that attachment styles can be changed with understanding and strategies. Overcoming avoidant attachment requires recognizing triggers, such as a partner pushing for closeness, emotional vulnerability, or a perceived loss of independence. By understanding how these triggers influence thoughts and behaviors, individuals can respond in healthier ways and avoid withdrawing from or ending relationships.
11. 'May seek external validation through work'
According to mental health coach Darius Cikanavicius from Psych Central, hurt and invalidation often begin early and persist throughout life. As a result, many people seek others' approval, looking for validation through external sources like their work and daily interactions. When people hide behind their work for validation, it goes beyond just staying busy — it becomes a way to shape their self-esteem and image.
12. 'Struggle with low self-esteem, low self-worth, and thoughts that they are not good enough'
Low self-esteem is challenging on its own, but the feeling of not being "good enough" can worsen it. A 2019 study on Vietnamese secondary school students found a link between low self-esteem and anxiety, depression, academic stress, and suicidal thoughts. While the study focused on a specific group, it highlighted how self-esteem affects mood disorders and various aspects of life.
To improve self-esteem, prioritize self-care, such as getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, exercising, and surrounding yourself with supportive people. Practicing self-kindness, reflecting on achievements, and focusing on positive memories can also help build confidence.
At the end of her post, Dr. M offered advice on recovering from chronic invalidation. She suggested accepting and asserting one's true feelings in a safe space were integral to healing. She advised that seeking help and asking for support were important steps in overcoming a childhood of invalidation, asserting, “You don’t need approval to be who you are.”
Mina Rose Morales is a writer and photojournalist with a degree in journalism. She covers a wide range of topics, including psychology, self-help, relationships, and the human experience.