Parents Who Stay Married After Their Kids Grow Up Usually Have These 10 Admirable Traits
Not every marriage can make it after the kids are gone. Here are traits of some of the strong ones that can.
Lucky Business | Shutterstock It can be challenging for couples to stay together after their children have left the nest. Often, parents choose to stay together for the good of their children, but once their children are no longer at home, they can’t keep their marriage alive.
Writing about why parents choose to stay together for the sake of their children, Dona Matthews, Ph.D., said there is research to support the idea that children are better off if their parents stay together. “Children thrive in predictable, secure families with two parents who love them and love each other,” she said. “Separation is unsettling, stressful, and destabilizing unless there is parental abuse or conflict.” Of course, this doesn’t account for what happens after the children grow up. Parents whose marriage survives have something special.
Here are 10 admirable traits of parents who stay married after their kids grow up:
1. They know how to communicate with each other well.
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Everyone communicates differently and has their own style. Couples who know and love each other will know how to best communicate with each other. Not only will they know how to do it, but they will make it a priority if they want to stay together.
As Kendra Cherry, MSEd, put it, communication is vital for healthy relationships. Engaging in open and honest conversations with those in your life enables sharing, learning, responding, and building strong connections. This aspect is essential in all relationships — be it with friends, family, or romantic partnerships.
Good communication can lead to a reduction in conflict and an increase in intimacy. It is part of the glue that keeps couples together, even when kids are no longer in the picture. Building healthy communication habits can bring a set of parents even closer, regardless of whether they still have kids to take care of.
2. They can resolve any conflict that arises.
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It’s impossible to avoid conflict altogether. You really wouldn’t want to. According to Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, Ph.D., “A large amount of research in the communication field has focused on conflict since it is such an important and unavoidable part of being in a close relationship. Fortunately, that research has determined that conflict can be quite healthy for relationships.”
This is good news since conflict is inevitable. You can’t be in a marriage and not experience it. Hall said it’s a sign that things need to change, which is natural in a relationship. Couples who stay together can work through any conflict and make the necessary changes.
3. They know how to best support each other.
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Just like different people have different ways of communicating, they also have various ways of feeling supported. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to support because not every method will work for everyone. Finding out what works best for your spouse and yourself is a matter of trial and error.
While it takes work to figure it out, it’s worth it. In a study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, researchers discovered a link between partner support and goal outcomes. The more supportive a partner is, the more likely their counterpart is to achieve their goals. This demonstrates just how vital that support between partners is.
Learning how to support your partner best is a worthwhile endeavor, and it’s something that those who stay together have mastered. You can’t make a marriage continue to work, especially after your kids grow up if you don’t have mutual support.
4. They understand what it means to be in a marriage.
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When people enter a relationship, they generally hope it will work out. No one goes into a new relationship with thoughts of failure. But, the honeymoon phase only lasts so long. You have to be realistic and accept that your marriage will not always be all sunshine and roses.
Psychotherapist Christina Eller, LMHC, noted that good relationships grow from “a solid friendship where you’re nurturing each other and where you have high regard, fondness and admiration for one another.” Additionally, Eller said it’s unrealistic to expect never to face conflict or have a bad day. “We’re human beings,” she said.
Relationships are, quite honestly, hard work. The couples willing to put in that work, on the good days and bad, will stay together after their children are grown.
5. They have shared affection.
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Relationships rarely make it without love. It wouldn’t be a relationship then, would it? Showing affection is a way to express that love, and research suggests that the results of expressing and receiving affection are different.
Sean M. Horan, Ph.D., says, “Uniquely, we found that the amount of affection you express to your partner best predicts your commitment. Conversely, we found that the affection you receive from your partner best predicts your satisfaction.” In other words, commitment and satisfaction in a relationship are two very different things with different motivators.
Any couple that stays married after their kids grow up will have affection for each other. Without it, there would be no reason to stay together and no real relationship.
6. They know each other well.
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Couples that know each other well are much more likely to stay married. If you know someone, you know how to work together with them to create the strongest bond and the best relationship. Knowing someone means that things like communication, support, conflict resolution, and affection all come easier.
Madeleine A. Fugère, Ph.D., explained that new research tells us it is more important to feel known by your partner than to learn them yourself. “Feeling known by those significant others more strongly predicted satisfaction with those relationships versus feeling like participants knew those others well,” she stated.
Furthermore, Eller pointed out that being known by the person you love is a validating feeling. “When we’re validating, we’re creating space for our partners to experience emotions and process them without the fear of being judged or rejected,” she said. Validation is good for us. Possessing these things points to a couple staying married.
7. They trust each other.
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Trust is essential for any successful relationship. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, put it this way: “To trust means to rely on another person because you feel safe with them and have confidence that they will not hurt or violate you. Trust is the foundation of relationships because it allows you to be vulnerable and open up to the person without having to defensively protect yourself.”
If you trust the person you’re married to, the chances of your relationship working out increase exponentially. It means you feel safe and secure in your relationship and aren’t constantly worried about where you stand. It’s a deep form of being there for each other. It’s like support on another level. Parents who stay married almost always trust each other.
8. They have the same values.
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Let’s be honest: there’s no way anyone can agree on everything with their spouse. It’s simply not possible. People’s views are just too unique and divergent for that. However, a complete difference in core beliefs and values can put too much stress on a relationship.
Writing for BetterUp, Madeline Miles pointed out that “shared core values form the foundation of compatibility a relationship needs to grow and thrive.” Unfortunately, many couples find it challenging to discuss these values to ensure they’re aligned. Shared trust and support can create a safe space for couples to open up.
As Eller said, vulnerability is key in any relationship. Married couples must be vulnerable enough to be open about their views and values to determine whether they’re truly compatible. They’ll likely make it if they share values, even when the kids are gone.
9. They feel their relationship is irreplaceable.
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Is your relationship the top priority in your life? Do you feel like nothing could replace it? Often, married couples are so focused on their children that they lose sight of this — and of each other. However, successful relationships require both partners to see each other as integral parts of their lives.
Professor Preston Ni said, “A key trait I’ve noticed about enduring romantic relationships and friendships is whether the partners are willing to offer each other strong support during difficult moments. A true test of a relationship is whether two people have each other’s back when times are tough.”
A couple who considers their relationship irreplaceable is likely to stay together for that reason. If nothing can replace that other person, then nothing will.
10. They agree to stick it out no matter what.
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This is certainly not a blanket statement. Some marriages aren’t meant to last, no matter how much work you put into them. However, a couple that has made a pact to stay together and make it through is likelier to stick to that than a couple that treats their relationship more casually.
It’s not easy, though. The Department of Homeland Security noted, “Creating and maintaining strong, healthy family relationships takes time, effort, and patience. With the daily pressures of work, children, and chores, it can be easy to neglect your relationships and take your loved ones for granted.”
It’s too easy for married couples to let their focus shift solely to their children. But the ones who make it will prioritize their happiness. It’s hard work that they’re happy to do because they know it will be worth it.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.