Distressed Wife Reveals The 4 Subtle Signs Of Enmeshment She Missed In Her Husband & His Family
"You're not wrong for wanting to be prioritized in your marriage."
fizkes | Shutterstock When two people get married, they start a family of their own, separate from their families of origin. Some people, however, have family enmeshment and struggle to prioritize their new spouse over their parents and siblings.
Hairdresser Christine Stannard experienced this firsthand and took to TikTok to share the painful experience — and encourage others to keep an eye out for the red flags she missed.
The distressed wife revealed the 4 subtle signs of enmeshment she missed in her husband and his family.
"Enmeshment is when a family is so emotionally entangled that there are no real boundaries and loyalty to the family comes above everything, even a spouse," the 32-year-old explained, admitting that she only just learned of the term herself.
Unfortunately, it's often difficult to discern if your spouse has an enmeshed relationship with their family until you have already said "I do." Such was the case for Stannard.
"I was in a relationship where I felt completely secure. I felt seen, heard, and valued. I truly believed that getting married would only make us stronger," she shared. "But after we got married, everything changed. And it wasn't because of him directly. It was because of his family's influence."
"Enmeshment isn't always obvious until you're in a situation where your partner is forced to choose between you and their family," she warned. "So here are some things that I had wish I paid attention to sooner."
1. They feel guilty saying no to their family.
It's one thing to be close to your parents, and it's another thing entirely to be in an enmeshed relationship. "When you think of childhood emotional trauma, you might think of neglect, but the opposite — being overly close — can lead to enmeshment trauma," marriage and family therapist Theodora Blanchfield explained.
Those with enmeshment trauma often struggle to become independent and say no to their parents or siblings. It may be due to low self-esteem and lacking an identity outside of the enmeshed family. They could also be attempting to avoid conflict, as it likely wasn't emotionally safe to disagree with their parents as children. They have been taught to prioritize the needs of their parents their entire lives, and that is a difficult habit to break.
2. They struggle to set boundaries with their parents or siblings.
Do your spouse's family members often show up at your house unannounced? Perhaps your spouse talks to their family members on the phone constantly, sharing every nitty-gritty detail about their lives. Or maybe, they are unable to make even minor decisions without first consulting their parents.
"In healthy families, children are encouraged to become emotionally independent to separate, pursue their goals, and become themselves not to become extensions of their parents," psychotherapist Sharon Martin pointed out. "In enmeshed families, these kinds of healthy boundaries don’t exist. Parents overshare personal information. They don’t respect privacy. They rely on their child for emotional support or friendship. They don’t allow children to make their own decisions and mistakes."
3. They get anxious or defensive when someone brings up concerns regarding their family.
In enmeshed families, it is not acceptable to have opinions that differ from that of the family. So, when you express concerns about their family’s behavior, they may immediately jump to the defense, refusing to hear out any concerns. They might become anxious or even paint you as the "bad guy" for "insulting" their parents or siblings, to whom they are fiercely loyal.
4. They feel like choosing you means betraying their family.
The final subtle sign of enmeshment, according to Stannard, is when your spouse feels that choosing you means betraying their family. When their family takes priority, it can break the trust in your relationship and shake your hope for the future.
"The hardest part is that before marriage, I never questioned my place in his life. I always felt chosen and I always felt like a priority," she confessed. "But after we got married, I started feeling like I was suddenly competing with his family. And that is one of the most painful feelings, to go from feeling completely secure in someone's love to feeling like you have to fight for your spot in their life."
"If you're engaged or you're in a serious relationship, this is my warning to you," Stannard concluded her video. "Pay attention to the family dynamics. Watch how they handle conflict. Don't assume that just because everything feels great now, it will automatically stay that way after marriage. Because when family pressure comes into play, if your partner doesn't know how to set boundaries, you'll be the one who suffers for it."
Mina Rose Morales is a writer and photojournalist with a degree in journalism. She covers a wide range of topics, including psychology, self-help, relationships, and the human experience.