5 Reasons Men Never Seem To Get Over Their First Love, According To Psychology
Moving on is not the same thing as getting over someone.
Arthur Savary | Unsplash First love. Oh, the thrilling rush of the high! And, ugh, the heartbreaking crush of the low. Do we ever forget our first love? No. But do we get over them? That depends.
It's often said that women are more likely to get over first loves lost than men. While men and women alike will experience emotional and physical pain when love ends, research in Social Sciences Journal showed that when it comes to love lost, generally speaking, women focus on healing and men on moving on. And that might be where they get hung up: moving on is not the same thing as getting over someone.
Here's the reason men never seem to get over their first love, according to psychology
1. Women seek closure, men seek distraction
Ladies, you’ve seen this play out. Your ex was already dating someone new, and you were still eating raw cookie dough through your tears and having pajama dates with your besties who gave you space to be sad and mad, sometimes in the same sentence.
Gentlemen, you wouldn’t stay in and cry about it — what would that change? After all, wasn’t the best way to get over someone to meet someone new? And your friends didn’t want to hear about your feelings. They said things like, ‘Move on, bro. There are plenty more just like her. You just have to get out there again.’
It would seem women seek perspective and closure, while men seek distraction and control.
You may be wondering, why is that? We could talk about societal expectations of men and make generalizations about how they (most, not all) were raised to withhold emotion to avoid the appearance of weakness. Sure. That is a character strength in many life challenges and one to ensure survival in warfare and competitive reality shows.
2. First love is a complex knot of pleasure and reward hormones
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But love? And what specifically does it say about first love? There is only one first in anything, right? When it comes to love, there is an intoxicating cocktail only served once in a lifetime. The science of love is incomplete and quite complicated. Perhaps the one conclusive finding is related to pleasure and reward hormones.
The work of Helen Fisher demonstrated that when we fall in love, the brain is bathed in dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin, creating a euphoria, like a drug-induced state. And it’s fair to assume most people experience first love during adolescence or before the prefrontal cortex is fully developed in the mid-20s when emotions are experienced more intensely.
There is less ability to regulate feelings, and judgment and decision-making are not yet mature, so the love experience can also be more impulsive, passionate, and overwhelmingly exciting. So, is it possible men don’t want to get over their first love?
Imagine the imprint left from that first experience. Regardless of your gender, when you think of your first love, does it conjure up treasured memories, idealistic thoughts, or jealous feelings? There is a broad spectrum of possible emotions, but the point is we remember with intensity, whether fondly or critically.
3. Love and loss have an equally powerful imprint
While we can understand men have kept emotions masked to stay calm and carry on, all you have to do is follow a thread on Quora or Reddit to find mature men answering a question about their first loves to learn about their unhealed truths.
Do not mistake moving on for lack of feeling. Love and loss have imprinted equally powerfully. They have carried their first love with them their whole lives. They can recall their love's smile, laugh, places, and moments in detail, supporting the many people who theorize that first love experiences coincide with brain development where strong neural connections are made, making the memory like a permanent tattoo.
4. For men, first love isn’t just a memory — it’s a blueprint
It sets the bar, shapes expectations, and stays tucked away, even if they struggle to admit it. Men move on and love again, but future loves cannot imprint the same as the first. It’s simple biology, so don’t take it personally if you are not first in line.
The “men’s first love theory” is trending on TikTok, with women asking their man about his first love and then allowing his answer to become a barrier in their relationship. Ladies, that’s about you, not him. Either your relationship was satisfactory before you asked the question, or it wasn’t.
People commenting on social media reinforce how neither of you will ever replace the whole experience of your first love. Do not create a problem that does not exist and allow your self-esteem to suffer because you compare yourself to a chemical reaction — the once-in-a-lifetime love cocktail cannot be recreated. Remember, first love is not the same thing as true love. Don’t lose Mr. Right because you aren’t Ms. First.
As a relationship coach, I help people reflect on and identify key qualities they value in past relationships so they can actively seek those qualities in a new partner. True love is built over time beyond the ebb and flow of hormonal surges. With commitment and through communication and compromise, a couple creates a sustainable, mutually respectful, and loving partnership to withstand life’s realities.
However, some chase the high of first love and get a hormone surge for a short time in a subsequent relationship. They move on again in disappointment rather than understanding their experience when they can’t sustain it. I believe serial cheaters are addicted to the “dop and oxy” hits that come with new relationships, and when it wears off, they move on to the next novel and exciting pursuit again and again.
5. Men to be more closed off to the idea of emotional wellness
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However, with the recent landscape of mental well-being changing and making society less judgmental, today’s men have a better opportunity to choose to heal before moving on.
Regardless of gender, those who did not get the support and opportunity to self-reflect, learn, grow, and emotionally mature post-first love may find challenges in their ability to deeply connect and be vulnerable with a future partner, as suggested by the APA, A lack of emotional maturity can lead them on a path of unfulfilling relationships.
Don’t despair, it’s never too late to learn to connect with emotions, process, grieve, let go, and heal from heartbreak. Anyone can get over and move on from their first love to their next love in a more self-aware and partner-ready way while never forgetting their first love.
I am approaching my 23rd anniversary with my 2nd husband. We both did the work of healing and learning from our past relationships and now enjoy a perfectly imperfect true love.
Who was my first love? Wait, what was his name? Just kidding. I remember.
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and host of the podcast Soul CPR Healing Out Loud. She helps people untangle from their past, heal from heartbreak, and revive their lives.\