The Heartbreak Quick-Fix That Never Actually Works
Five questions to ask yourself when you're looking for better answers.
Look Studio / shutterstock I've always hated this iconic line from the movie Jerry Maguire, spoken by Tom Cruise: You complete me. The truth is, no one can complete you.
The only way to become whole is to become whole alone. Then, someone can complement your already happy life.
Are you looking for a new love so that you can be happier?
Well, you are looking in the wrong place. Finding someone new to love will likely bring excitement and pleasure, but when it wears off — and it will — you’ll look for the next replacement relationship.
First, ask yourself these five questions
- Do I fear being alone?
- Do I avoid facing painful emotions?
- Do I rely on a relationship to feel worthy?
- Do I seek validation and approval from others to feel happy?
- Do I have to be in love and feel loved to believe I am lovable?
Suppose you said ‘yes’ to even one of the questions above. In that case, you likely have a pattern of losing yourself in relationships, using relationships as distractions or filling voids to feel secure and to feel better about yourself.
Regardless of the ‘why,’ if you want to change this, you can! All change starts with awareness, followed by the choice to do something differently.
Here's why finding new love won't bring you happiness.
1. You'll never find what you're looking for
Relying on someone else for your happiness will set you up for feelings of disappointment and frustration.
You’ll look for Mr. or Ms. Next Wonderful — again. It's like starting a new chapter with a new protagonist but the story reads the same. The cycle will continue until you make a decision.
2. If you don't know yourself, you can't know what you need in a partner.
Looking for someone new can distract you from your problems, but it can prevent you from getting to know yourself.
The decision is to cultivate a sense of fulfillment and contentment independent of others. And to love yourself and your life, this requires finding you.
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3. Fear of being alone is a bad reason to get into a relationship
It can be uncomfortable to get comfortable with aloneness. However, some people are lonely in a crowd. Invest some focus, energy, and time in being alone, focused on you and what you enjoy. Desiring companionship is healthy; needing it creates dependency.
If you use a relationship to avoid dealing with and healing the emotional wounds of your past, you will keep running away from yourself and toward others. Find a coach or therapist to work with and guide you on a healing journey. Emotions are messengers; when you learn to interpret them, you are on your way to being happier despite your "situationships".
4. The self-esteem you get from relationships is not sustainable over time
Relying on a relationship to feel worthy will keep you stuck in low self-esteem and trap you in feelings of unworthiness when your person disappoints you. You attract people according to how you feel about yourself. Believe you are worthy of love and that true love is worth waiting for. You will attract a genuine connection when you are happy with and within yourself.
Seeking validation and approval from others to feel happy will give you an instant dose of feel-good, but it will never create long-term happiness and fulfillment. Find security in knowing who you are and owning your life. Confidence and freedom come from accepting responsibility for your happiness and life outcomes.
Being in love may be a beautiful compliment to your life, but it cannot replace knowing and loving yourself. Only you can change how you feel about you. Pursue your life and contribute to it and the right person will naturally show up in your life without you having to play hide-and-seek.
5. Finding someone new to love you to be happy is like putting a bandaid on your feelings.
It hides and protects your wounds, but only as long as the adhesive lasts. The first time you are in hot water, all will be exposed again.
Give yourself the gift of time between relationships for self-discovery, personal development, and growth.
Life isn’t one-dimensional, and neither are you. Evaluate all areas of your life —career, finances, friendships, family, fun/entertainment, learning/personal development, spirituality, or religious beliefs and practices to determine where you could improve your satisfaction. Then, take action. Do differently, and you will begin to feel differently. You deserve more than an image of happiness to post on social media.
Finding and creating happiness is a journey of building and strengthening your foundation of understanding and appreciating yourself, your interests, and your talents. If you need help, reach out to a professional. The love you find after you find yourself will be worth it.
Ann Papayoti, PCC, is a relationship coach, author, and speaker who helps people help themselves through losses and transitions so they can untangle from their past to heal their hearts.