7 Reasons To Be Careful When Dating A Man Who Is Recently Separated
It's probably not the happily ever after you've been dreaming about.
Nikita Korchagin | Canva The availability of great men to date seems to be somewhat limited. As a result, women are often open to dating a married man who is separated. After all, his marriage is over so why not?
Well, dating a man who is not yet divorced is a really bad idea. Yes, he might seem available but he isn’t.
Seven reasons to be careful dating a man who is separated but not divorced
1. He thinks he is ready to date. He isn’t
When my ex-husband left me, I was devastated. I felt abandoned and not worthy. I was lonely and believed no one would ever love me again. Within months, I was on a dating site. On the first date I met a wonderful man and we, despite his reservations that I wasn’t yet divorced, started dating. It was amazing at first - and then it was a disaster.
I truly felt like I was ready to date but I wasn’t. I was fresh out of a 20-year marriage. I was struggling with the pain of abandonment. I hadn’t yet processed what had happened in my marriage. I was desperate to be in a new relationship so I wouldn’t feel lonely, which affected our relationship in a big way.
Whenever I had contact with my soon-to-be ex, it upset me. I was clingy with my new guy, desperate to not lose him. I tried to involve him in the details of my divorce, something he wasn’t interested in doing as he had already been through divorce himself.
Slowly, the relationship died away and I was left lonely and abandoned again. I truly believe, that if we had met after my divorce, this man and I might still be together.
I am sure your married man is telling you he is ready, and I am sure he believes he is. But he isn’t. Stay away.
2. He has one foot in the door of the marital household if he is even out at all
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A client of mine got involved with a married man who had separated from his wife. They had four kids under the age of 14. The man and his wife knew managing those kids on their own and sending them back and forth between households would be difficult so he stayed in the house, albeit in the guest room.
My client soon learned he was still so connected to his life, his kids, and the running of his household that he had no physical or emotional space to give her.
More often than not, dates would be canceled as “something came up.” They couldn’t travel because he needed to be available to his wife and his kids. His wife wasn’t thrilled he was dating and was not kind about it, which was stressful. Overall, my client had no place in her boyfriend’s life and only caused her to be resentful.
My client finally found the strength to walk away from this guy, even though he was great. The anger and resentment she was feeling weren’t conducive to a healthy relationship and she didn’t want to waste her time.
3. He is still struggling with the divorce
While your married man who is separated might not believe this, studies in Demography Journal showed he is probably still struggling with getting divorced, even if he instigated it.
When people get married, they make vows in front of their family and friends, vows they will be committed to each other for life. As a result, the marriage ends in divorce, and for both parties the feelings are complicated.
Men, especially, can feel at odds with their actions. After all, they did commit to taking care of their wives and have, most likely, done so, at least to some extent. Many men are the major breadwinners and they want to make sure their wives are taken care of. They are struggling with the fact they might not see their kids every day. They might be getting called out by their parents or in-laws, which only feeds their complicated feelings.
When someone’s head and heart are not clear going into a relationship, there is very little room for a healthy love to grow. As a result, the new person gets the short end of the stick when it comes to attention and can kill a relationship almost before it starts, as suggested by an article in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
4. His kids are struggling with the divorce
When husbands and wives who have kids decide to divorce, things are often very clear to them. They know their marriage is over and have decided it's time to take steps. For the kids, it's not so clear.
While some kids shrug their shoulders and seem to be non-plussed by a divorce, for many kids the divorce is a major blow to their lives. The life they have always known is over and the future is uncertain. When one of their parents starts dating, things can take a turn for the worse.
One of my clients was dating a married man who was separated. His 16-year-old daughter was angry her father had moved on so quickly after her parents' separation. When my client came along, it pushed her over the edge.
The anger his daughter felt towards her father got redirected towards my client. She believed my client was the cause of the divorce. She believed her mother was being wronged. She believed my client was a horrible person who had no place in her life. As a result, she refused to meet her and badmouthed her continuously to her father.
The result of this was twofold. First, my client was devastated she was on the receiving end of so much vitriol. She felt like she was a good person who had fallen for a man, not some conniving woman who was trying to steal a father away from his daughter. The situation led to a fair amount of resentment on her part.
As his daughter became more and more vocal about her dislike of my client, her married man became resentful of her as well. After all, his daughter was the light of his life and if she didn’t like his girlfriend, he didn’t want to upset her. He started to put her first above my client and do whatever he could to keep his daughter happy. Again, my client became resentful of this and soon walked away, even though she liked her guy.
5. He might be using you
Tirachard Kumtanom via SHutterstock
Again, your married man who is not yet divorced most likely truly believes he is ready to date but, as I said, he is not. So, while he is attached to you, it is very like he is attached to you for the emotional support you give him and the amazing not-married intimacy.
I am not saying your married man is using you maliciously. He most likely fell into your relationship and, as it grew, he became more and more attached to the emotional support you gave him. After all, his life is complicated and perhaps many people are angry with him. To have you there, telling him he is wonderful, and listening to his tales of woe is very comforting.
You are being intimate with him. Your married man has most likely been fairly intimacy-free for a past period as his marriage died. Now, here he is, with a woman who truly longs for him and who is willing to be intimate a lot!
What kind of man would walk away from either of those things? You are making this difficult time in his life easier, while this is wonderful for him, what is in it for you?
6 Divorces are messy
If you are single and have never been through a divorce let me tell you something, divorces are incredibly messy.
Most likely your boyfriend and his wife are going to have to go through the process of dividing their assets. Who gets the house, the cars, the furniture, and the jewelry? While he says he doesn’t want anything, he will. They are going to have to figure out how to sustain two households with the same income with which they managed one. They are going to have to figure out any custody arrangements for their kids and who is going to spend holidays where.
And they are going to have to do all of this with lawyers and mediators involved, and have it all approved by a judge, something that can be scary and anxiety-inducing, particularly if they haven’t done it before.
Where I ask you, do you fit into this situation? Are you willing to be his sounding board, someone who advises him on what the best thing is to be done? To be the one who would listen while he rails on about his greedy ex-wife and who has to deal with the distraction and time spent away dealing with it all?
When considering a study from the APA about the way stress impacts and needs to be dealt with in a new relationship, managing his divorce stress as well doesn’t sound very fun, does it?
7. Starting a relationship with stress does make a happily ever after
Relationships are supposed to start in a good way. People meet, feel the connection, share their stories, and stay up all night sharing their hopes and dreams. They have tons of physical intimacy, do lots of fun activities, and are riding a high they believe they will never come down from. In a healthy relationship, these highs settle down to comfortable happiness moving the relationship forward.
If you are involved with a married man who is not yet separated, you will have very little of this initial happiness. Yes, you might have moments of new relationship bliss but those moments will be interspersed with stress. You might feel the stress of his financial worries, have to deal with a resentful child, and get frustrated at being fourth on the list of his priorities, as supported by studies in the Personnel Psychology Journal. You might find you and your beau disagreeing with his choices and fighting about what is next.
Which of these relationship beginnings will lead to a healthy relationship? The one that starts with happiness and hope or one that starts with anger and frustration?
Don’t waste your time, hoping once his divorce is done, you will live happily ever after. The chances, I am afraid, are minimal.
I wish I could say dating a married man who is separated is something that could lead to your happily ever after. After all, that’s what we all want, happily ever after.
I am sorry to say, that no matter how great he is, your still married man is going to disappoint you. He won’t want to, and might even tell you he won’t, but he will. And, when your relationship ends, you will be left alone, needing to start over on your journey to find love.
So, find the strength to not choose married men who are not yet divorced, and walk away if you have already started dating one! You will be happy you did!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.