7 Reality Checks For Any Woman Who's In Love With A Married Man
There's a pattern to the way unfaithful men behave.
Kraken Images via Shutterstock Every one of my clients who is having an affair with a married man says their man’s marriage is a disaster. They don’t understand how he can exist in it, and it should be a no-brainer to leave. This is just the first of the lessons most mistresses have to learn, and often have to learn the hard way.
Of course, no woman having an affair with a married man wants to hear this. Their man’s miserable marriage is a part of how women rationalize what they are doing.
However, it is essential that the “other woman” understand some truths about her man’s marriage so she can move forward with 100% clarity. It just might save her some serious heartbreak.
Seven lessons mistresses often have to learn the hard way
1. His wife is not mentally unstable, no matter what he says
Alena Ozerova via Shutterstock
I am sure you have heard over and over what a raging lunatic your married man’s wife is. Or how she is so depressed she can’t function, religion has taken over her life, or she is controlling and manipulative. And, I am sure you believe him, after all, why would he lie?
I am not saying your married man is lying, per se, but rather the description of his wife is his story and one he is going to stick to. After all, how else can he justify having an affair?
What I can tell you is every marriage is long and hard, but in every marriage, there are two people. Over time, 1000 little cuts occur in a marriage and can cause a myriad of hurts, hurt can wear someone down emotionally. As a result, married people don’t always behave as calmly or respectfully as they might like, as suggested by a study in Aggression and Violent Behavior Journal.
I am guessing your married man has hurt his wife, as I am sure she has hurt him. She hasn’t just become irrational overnight. Of course, she might be unkind or disrespectful but she isn’t in a void. She is, I promise, very unhappy in her marriage.
2. His wife is married to someone who is cheating on her (hint: it's him)
Think about this carefully, especially if you are in an affair with a married man who you hope will leave his wife for you. Your married man is the kind of person who would cheat on his wife.
I am guessing you rationalize his behavior because he is desperately unhappy and what else could he do? You are soul mates destined to be together. But in reality, many men are unhappily married and don’t cheat.
Of course, being unhappily married is extremely difficult, and ideally, every man who is unhappily married would join his wife to find support and manage their unhappiness. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always happen. As a result, men look for other means of coping, some of them healthy and some of them not.
Perhaps they exercise more, spend time with friends, work harder or, tragically, drink too much. Whatever their coping skills, what they don’t do is cheat. They abide by the vows of their marriage, despite their struggle.
Your married man has not chosen a coping skill other than intimacy with another woman. Is this someone you would want to be married to? Perhaps being married to a man who cheats is one of the reasons she is such a "problem".
3. He and his wife are still a couple
Fizkes via Shutterstock
Let me guess, your married man told you he and his wife aren’t even a couple anymore. They never spend time together, don’t have the same interests, can’t agree on anything, and are never intimate. I am guessing the answer to at least some of these things is “yes”.
Well, your married man and his wife are still very much a couple. While they might not get along all the time (or ever) they are still married. They have friends who they socialize with. They have extended family who are visited on holidays. They have children’s sporting events every weekend, and there are family holidays to take. All of those things your married man and his wife do together and at times they enjoy each other, as suggested by a study in Cognition and Emotion.
Your married man and his wife live in the same house. There are dinners to be had, TV shows to be watched, and chores to be done. Whether or not they have children, they do these things together at least sometimes.
I know he tells you he and his wife never do things together, but they do. Every day.
4. He and his wife were once madly in love
I know this is hard to conceive of but your married man and his wife were once madly in love. They met, they fell in love, they got married. Even if he tells you he never loved her, he did.
While they might not love each other the way they used to, or barely at all, there is a love there, love born of longevity and shared experience. Past emotional experiences and time spent together are why so many people have a hard time letting go of relationships, even if they are toxic.
So, while your married man says he doesn’t love his wife, and maybe never did, remember, he fell in love with her once and their love still exists on some level.
5. He and his wife have mutual obligations
On the most practical level, your married man and his wife have obligations to each other. They probably have a mortgage or a lease. They might have a car loan and perhaps credit card debt. They might have children or pets they are both very attached to. Your married man is in a relationship he can not easily disentangle himself from.
Even more importantly, your married man probably feels like he has a responsibility to continue to take care of his wife. I have a few clients who are married men having affairs and, without exception, they feel like they must continue to take care of their wives.
A study in the American Psychologist Journal discussed how many men still have a compulsion to take care of women and children. In many marriages, men make more money and their wives are financially reliant. Furthermore, many men feel they are responsible for the health and safety of their wives and the things they need for a good life. They want to make sure their wives are taken care of, no matter what.
These compulsions are not things your married man will walk away from easily. He might have been brought up to take care of women and, if he has been doing it for a long time, he will have a hard time letting go.
6. He and his wife have a history, and most likely a future
Garetsworkshop via Shutterstock
When you hear your married man complain about how horrible his and marriage are, consider your married man and his wife have a history, and, maybe even a future.
Your married man and his wife have shared a life. They have friends they might have known for years, friends who are also married. They have extended family and those families have mingled regularly. They have kids they have watched grow up. They have shared experiences, both good and bad, that have joined them.
Even if he leaves his wife and they get divorced, your married man and his wife will have a future together, especially if they have kids.
I know it feels like if your married man leaves his wife, you will live happily ever after. But your married man and his wife will always be connected. Perhaps he has to pay her alimony, or they have to meet to exchange the kids. Perhaps their aging parents will get sick and they will need to support each other. They might see each other at social events. Whatever the reason, your married man and his wife have a future together. One you most likely won’t be a part of.
7. His wife is most likely in charge
One of the things I learned in my 20 years of marriage is I was the one who was in charge of our lives.
While we might have started as equals, as we bought a house, had kids, and developed a social life, I was the one who took over. I was the one who managed the kid's schedules, bought birthday and Christmas presents, planned social events, and arranged vacations. I was happy to do it, but only if it was done my way.
My husband knew the rules and was nonetheless perfectly happy to do things this way.
What I know now is most husbands want to keep their wives happy. If their wives are happy, there is no drama and emotions to deal with, and the chances they will be more intimate are dramatically higher. As a result, they keep their heads down, try to follow instructions correctly and get through the day with their heads fully intact.
So, what does this mean? Why should his wife being in charge mean anything to you? Because your married man is used to following instructions, the chances he will advocate for himself and get out of the marriage are infinitesimal. An article in the Journal of Marriage and Family explored how your married guy knows if he asks for a divorce, there will be drama and emotions, both things he just isn’t equipped to deal with.
I know these truths about your man’s marriage might be hard to accept
After all, you are having an affair with a married man and living in a bubble, a bubble where you believe love will conquer all. He will see how much better his life is with you, and ultimately, he will choose you.
Unfortunately, the odds are stacked against you. Yes, you love him, are there for him, have fun together, and the intimacy is great but your married man is married. Your married man has a full life you are not a part but his wife is. This is a life he most likely won’t, despite his promises, ever leave.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.