4 Surprising Rules Couples Must Follow To Move Past An Affair, Says Renowned Relationship Expert
Recapture the power of your marriage before it's too late.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva You might think a cheater has no regrets. They must have cheated because they didn't care about anything or anyone but themselves. It's easy to only see cheating as a selfish act. But don't be fooled — cheaters have massive regret.
Many cheaters will feel like they left their integrity and honor while also standing face-to-face with their spouse and screaming, "What are you talking about? I'm not seeing anyone behind your back."
People who haven't had affairs aren't better than those who have — they simply don't know the chemical and emotional high that accompanies the situation. It is not an excuse for infidelity, just an explanation for the behavior.
Here are the surprising rules couples must follow to move past an affair:
1. They talk to each other after the affair happens
The reality is simple: The cheating spouse's discontent wasn't necessarily impossible to overcome. They just needed to talk to their spouse. But that's impossible when they are in bed with someone else, and the new relationship is bending their brain.
New relationships are this magical thing that ensures procreation so the human species lives on. Research on the neurobiology of love shows how chemicals and emotions run high, creating a situation that is perceived as perfect for both parties. But a spouse and kids don't care about all that. And truthfully, they're not supposed to care.
At the end of it all, if you communicate your needs, wants, and desires, you can both figure out a solution together.
2. They both accept that infidelity is wrong
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Sure, there are reasons for the behavior, and the cheating spouse (and various doctors/therapists/studies/fortune cookies) can justify their behavior. But it doesn't change the fact the affair is wrong.
If they don't already, they will regret their actions. They will regret what they are doing to their spouse, kids, and themselves. They may try to reclaim their honor and integrity, but they will also feel a level of shame they never thought was possible, and it will haunt them, whether they admit it.
Renowned couple’s therapist and author Esther Perel notes the importance of atoning for infidelity in her TED Talk: “Healing begins when the perpetrator acknowledges their wrongdoing. So for the partner who had the affair... one thing is to end the affair, but the other is the essential, important act of expressing guilt and remorse."
3. They support each other
Now, the worst part. The perpetrator is worried if they stop the affair, not only will they miss the other person, but they will also miss the way they felt about themselves: bold, daring, confident, risk-taking, strong, fearless, decisive, seductive, and happy.
If you do a simple comparison, the previous statement reads like a stereotypical addict, happiest on the drug, wishing they could be on it, and destroying their entire life because of it. Help them to know they are all of those things when they are faithful to you and the marriage.
4. They go to marriage counseling
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You must bring a professional in for an unbiased view to help the two of you iron everything out. Go to a relationship therapist who specializes in infidelity. This is where you can both get to the root of why the cheating happened while also being able to admit to cheating in the first place.
Is cheating the end of a marriage? Relationships grow, change, alter, and iterate, but they cannot go back to the new phase — ever.
They move past that phase to a place of companionship, trust, and security. Does passion take a hit? Perhaps it's part of the transition from a new relationship to an established one. But with dedication, passion doesn't have to wane — it can stay and grow with the relationship.
Relationship coach Dave Elliott suggests, "An affair is one of those ultra-effective and powerful wake-up calls that just seems to grab — and hold — both partners' attention in a way that opens people to the far better possibilities I [as a counselor] present them."
So the best advice to a cheating spouse is for them to try to find a way home and find themselves again.
Spend some time with a counselor and even more time talking to your spouse about your disconnect, both of your feelings, the affair and how it impacted your kids, and how you treated your spouse during what you will soon describe as the worst time in both of your lives.
The challenge for you now is to recapture the power of your marriage before it's too late.
Charles J. Orlando is a relationship expert best known as the author of the acclaimed relationship book series The Problem with Women… is Men.