Struggling Adoptive Mom Told She Has No Right To Complain About Postpartum Depression & Anxiety Because Parenthood Is ‘Everything She Ever Wanted’
You don't have to be pregnant or give birth in order to struggle in your parenthood journey.
Natalia Lebedinskaia | Shutterstock Like any new mom, Kendall Tart was overjoyed yet overwhelmed after welcoming her baby girl, Zadie, nearly 5 years ago.
While navigating motherhood with a 5-week-old infant, her husband was deployed, leaving her with no support and the closest family living hundreds of miles away.
However, instead of receiving help or resources when the mom expressed just how anxious and lost she was, her struggles were minimized by other people who believed that she could not experience such emotions since she had never been pregnant or given birth to her daughter.
A struggling adoptive mom was told she had no right to complain since parenthood was ‘everything she ever wanted.’
In December 2019, Kendall and her husband Justin welcomed their very first child via adoption, a daughter named Zadie.
As the couple was adjusting to life as a family of three, Justin was deployed, and Kendall was left to care for their infant with little help, as the nearest family lived hundreds of miles away. Additionally, she was the president of a non-profit organization and ran a business alone.
As any new parent would, Kendall found this time to be incredibly stressful and lonely.
Bricolage | Shutterstock
“I was experiencing significant trauma when my daughter had to have emergency surgery at 14 weeks old during a national lockdown,” she revealed in an Instagram post. “The chronic stress and trauma deregulated my nervous system and it took three years and a lot of work to regulate again.”
However, when she sought a helping hand and a shoulder to cry on, she was told since she was never pregnant with her daughter, she could not possibly know what it truly felt like or be overwhelmed as a new mom.
Postpartum depression is the most common post-pregnancy complication women struggle with. It affects up to 15% of new mothers and is caused by a rapid drop in estrogen and progesterone levels due to massive hormonal changes.
Even though adoptive moms do not experience the same hormonal changes as birth mothers, this does not mean that they are immune to the anxiety and loneliness that comes with being a parent.
“I was told I can’t experience PPA/PPD as an adoptive mom. It took me 2 years to get help, still trying to pull myself out of the trenches because I waited so long to get help. Moms are incredible!” one Instagram user commented.
“Your whole world turns upside down. Whether you birth a baby or adopt a baby, it’s tough! Mom life is tough!” another user wrote.
“I’m so sorry you were told you couldn’t complain, that’s not right AT ALL. Adoptive moms absolutely have PPD/post-adoption depression. It’s called being human and having to suddenly deal with a major life change,” another user shared.
According to the National Council for Adoption, Post Adoption Depression Syndrome has symptoms similar to depression with the exception that PADS, which is often underrepresented because adoptive parents are often dissuaded from talking about it due to similar stigma that Kendall experienced, seems to be triggered by fears of parental competency and low self-esteem.
Just because being a parent was everything she always wanted does not mean the mom shouldn’t be allowed to vent and reach out for help when things get difficult.
Like all of us, she is human and bound to experience struggles even though becoming a parent was her dream.
When a biological mother comes forward and admits that she is struggling, we embrace her and offer her all kinds of help. Why don’t adoptive moms deserve the same? They are both mothers, after all, no matter how their children came to them.
Natalia Deriabina | Shutterstock
Kendall admitted that she should have been more transparent about how difficult early motherhood was for her despite how much she loved her daughter.
“I remember telling someone that becoming a mom brought peace into my life like I had never known before; being Zadie Ann’s mom felt so natural, and I never doubted my ability to be her mom,” she wrote. “But it was figuring out how to navigate everything else simultaneously that was so hard and stressful.”
While adoption is beautiful and life-changing for many families, it comes with a unique set of challenges, just like any other road to parenthood.
So if you or someone you know is an adoptive parent who is struggling, your feelings are valid. You do not have to give birth or be biologically related to your children to encounter parenthood difficulties.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.