6 Signs He's A 'Wife Guy' Who's Secretly Having An Affair, According To Psychology
When you feel something is wrong, don't ignore your instincts.
AaronAmat | Canva You just somehow know he is having an affair, maybe it's an accumulation of all your senses and life experiences combined with everything you know about him that manifests as an intuitive notion of something being wrong, and what was safe now feels dangerous. You just know a problem exists, but when questioned why, it is nearly impossible to explain. When looking for reasons, you only sense secrets.
When your gut keeps telling you he is hiding his behavior outside your relationship, but you can't figure out why you feel so suspicious of him, you might need to pay attention to the subtle details that expose his deeds.
Here are six signs he's a wife guy who's secretly having an affair:
1. He portrays himself as the perfect husband
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A man who uses his "married" status to attract women will no doubt confuse his target audience with the pictures he's posting and the actions he's taking. First, look for self-serving posts on the internet. He may talk about how much he loves his wife by all the things he's doing "for her," but in reality, these posts are about him. The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy published research exploring the roles of self-serving bias and betrayal trauma in infidelity.
Another tell-tale sign is while he portrays himself as the perfect husband, in reality, he's nowhere to be found when it's time to show up for her (e.g., a work event or celebration in honor of her) or for the kids (e.g., a school recital or soccer game).
— Jennifer Hargrave, Owner & Managing Attorney, Hargrave Family Law
2. He has way too much unexplained computer time
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Not only is he using his wife to gain social status for himself, but he might be cheating on her as well! The sign of a secret affair for such men is when they spend a lot of time on the computer they can't account for. He may be secretly texting with others or running personal ads.
The Oxford Handbook of Infidelity discusses the roles of deception and secrecy in infidelity, so you might consider if he avoids disclosing what he is doing, brushes it off as part of his social media routine, or becomes angry if you try to get details about what he's doing.
Those are immediate red flags! If he doesn't want you in the room, quickly changes screens if you come in, or won't allow you to look at his screen, chances are he's up to something fishy and is trying to hide it from you.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Therapist
3. He strays from his predictable everyday behavior
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What he said: "My wife knew I was cheating before there was any real evidence. She said she could just tell."
A study in the Journal of Family Psychology supports how after spending time with someone for several months (or even years), you know their typical behavior. You know how they act in certain situations, and when they act differently, you want an explanation — if not cheating, then something else real and tangible.
In this respondent's case, when he started his affair, he would grab his phone and head into the restroom for twenty to thirty minutes.
His excuse: He was that he was reading his email and the news. The only problem was his phone bill showed a different story entirely — lots and lots of text messages exchanged with another woman's number.
— Charles J. Orlando, Bestselling Author and Relationship/Interpersonal Relations Expert
4. He showers more than usual
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Okay, it is normal that a man wants to be clean and nice-smelling, and I'm sure you like that idea, too, as research supports. But when the first thing he does when he gets back home is go into the shower, you may become suspicious that he could be cheating.
If he is cheating, then he will be doing this because he wants to take any fragrances and odors off his body. But this alone isn't always cause for concern. He could have recently changed jobs to something a bit more "industrial."
— Sean Jameson, Educator and Coach
5. He's been unusually tagged on social media
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We’re all connected now. Years ago, if a man was having an affair with a woman he worked with, his wife/girlfriend wouldn’t have many ways to find out about their relationship. But now, it’s almost too easy to have a secret rendezvous inadvertently broadcast to the world by social networking.
Maybe a co-worker tags the man in a work picture where he’s a little too friendly with his co-worker. Maybe his mistress and his wife share Facebook friends or LinkedIn connections.
Maybe his suspicious wife starts using the mistress’ Twitter accounts to keep track of her movements. Menelaos Apostolou, Ph.D,. helps us understand why keeping infidelity secret is hard enough, but social media makes exposing infidelity almost too easy.
6. He spends a lot more time at the gym
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Exercise is a great way to maintain physical and mental health, but it may also, unfortunately, be a great way to find someone to cheat with.
Not only is going to the gym one of the most popular excuses to meet up with a fling, but nearly three-quarters of Ashley Madison users also admitted to working out to keep someone other than their spouses satisfied.
On top of that, people tend to get turned on by watching each other exercise, which could elevate this risk.
Being cheated on hurts. No doubt about that at all. Discovering a secret affair can carry a lot of shame and self-blame, so remember he made his choice to have an affair. Now, it is your choice if you want to end the relationship or agree to put in the work and repair it.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.