Divorce Lawyer Says It’s A Red Flag If Someone’s Greatest Accomplishment Is Their Children
Children are people who make their own accomplishments, just like anyone else.
Julia Zavalishina | Shutterstock Parents go through a lot with their children. It makes sense that some would consider molding them into good humans who contribute positively to society as an accomplishment. After all, they put a lot of work into getting to that point.
But is it really right to think of your children as an accomplishment? One divorce attorney thinks it’s the wrong mindset to have.
A divorce lawyer downplayed calling children someone’s greatest accomplishment.
James Sexton is a prominent New York-based divorce attorney and author who recently sat down to film an episode of Steven Bartlett’s Diary of a CEO podcast. Sexton shared some interesting thoughts regarding what people consider to be their top accomplishment.
When asked about his most controversial opinion, Sexton responded, “My most controversial opinion is that the most important thing in people’s lives and their greatest accomplishment should not be their children.”
“I find that logic very strange because if you say the most important, greatest thing I ever did in my life was having children, well, is then the greatest and most important thing your children ever did gonna be having children?” he asked. “And is the greatest thing their children ever did is having children?”
“That’s the ideology of a virus or a cancer cell,” Sexton argued. “Like, it’s not like growth for the sake of growth for the sake of growth.”
He stated that he felt there had to be something more important in a person’s life than just their kids. “I think there has to be a higher, nobler purpose to life than reproduction,” he concluded.
Although the divorce lawyer isn’t a parenting expert, he may be on to something.
Writing for Psychology Today, Paula L. White said, “Celebrating little wins as parents makes sense to build internal optimism and refuel to continue the parenting journey in a positive, dedicated way. However, when parents actually define children as personal accomplishments as though their offspring were their own parent-created pieces of art, they create a contrasting, negative effect.”
In other words, the act of parenting is an accomplishment, but children themselves are not.
White went on to say that claiming children as an accomplishment is really a way to take unfair “possession” of them.
“This mindset of ownership is detrimental because it leads parents to overstate their influence over their children, which often translates to them violating a child’s boundaries, whether by overtly inserting themselves into decisions that children should be making alone or by pressuring, coercing or even abusing children into submitting to their will,” she added. “This stifling behavior is bad for children’s well-being.”
White’s argument was that it’s simply not possible for a parent to control everything their child does — nor should they try — meaning that those kids aren’t really their accomplishments.
Plenty of parents objected to the assertion that having children should not be considered an accomplishment.
In a parenting blog for HuffPost, Trana Pittam recalled a time when actress Felicity Huffman was asked in a "60 Minutes" interview if she considered being a mom her greatest accomplishment. Her response was, "no."
“... I resent that question,” she said. “Because I think it puts women in an untenable position.”
At the time of the interview, Pittam applauded Huffman’s answer, as many women would, especially given confusing gender stereotypes and roles in society. But, later, she changed her mind.
Pittam described the birth of her first child and said that after that, she knew she had been incorrect. “For me, motherhood is my greatest accomplishment,” she said.
She wisely titled the blog post, “Why it’s okay if motherhood is your greatest accomplishment … or not.”
Opinions were split in the comments section of the video, as well.
“Being [a] good parent is not an accomplishment, it’s a responsibility,” one person said.
Another countered that “having contributed to a child becoming a kind, decent and respectful human being is” an accomplishment.
While there is no obvious consensus on the issue, Sexton’s view is clear.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.