Mom Feels 'So Guilty' Because She Was More 'Obsessed' With Her Firstborn Than Her Second
"I just feel so guilty, like I’m failing my second born."
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock As a parent, your experiences with and feelings toward each of your children will differ slightly. That’s only natural — they're different people, after all.
Yet one mom was concerned that her feelings towards her two kids were too different, admitting that she loves one of her children more than the other.
The mom admitted that she feels 'so guilty' because she was more obsessed with her firstborn than her second.
“I have a two-year-old and a five-month-old,” she explained in her Reddit post. “When I had my first born I remember just being obsessed. Soaking in every moment. Crying when rocking him because I couldn’t believe he was mine.”
“I took a billion photos of him as a baby and still do,” she said. “Now, as a two-year-old, I love him even more. He’s my little buddy.”
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On the other hand, she doesn’t feel quite as connected to her younger child.
“Our secondborn was extremely colicky,” she wrote. “I really couldn’t handle it. Thankfully my husband did most of the parenting for him during those first two to three months because I could not handle the crying.”
Fortunately, the baby got over that phase. “Now he’s a super happy little dude. I do love him!” she added.
“But I more so view him as this little blob that tags along for my two-year-old and I’s adventures,” she admitted. “Seems like his baby phase is flying along and that’s kind of … fine?”
She explained that she doesn't take as many photos of her second child.
"When I watch videos I took of my firstborn and see how I interacted with him as a baby, it just seems different,” she continued. “I just feel so guilty, like I’m failing my secondborn."
It’s possible that what this mom is experiencing is just a phase that comes with having a newborn.
While reading this mom’s story may sound concerning (she did call her baby a “little blob,” after all), she may just not be fully bonded to him yet. This is common for parents of newborns who already have other children, according to Parents Magazine.
“When you have your first child, your entire world changes, and you have to learn to sacrifice and become selfless in order to care for that child properly,” they wrote. “Most of the time, this sacrifice bonds you with that child. However, with your second child, you’re already accustomed to the shift in your worldview, and that makes it feel like you are not bonding with them.”
What To Expect’s advice columnist Heidi Murkoff added further credence to this.
“The truth is, there’s nothing like a first pregnancy — or a first baby,” she said. “Everything you experience that first time — … it’s all brand new. Life changing.”
Murkoff also explained that having another young child to take care of can add to this feeling.
“If you’re not focused on this pregnancy like you were on the first one, or as focused on this baby as you were on the first — it’s for a very good … reason: your first baby,” she pointed out. “After all, being an expectant mom isn’t a full-time preoccupation anymore because, well, being a mom already keeps you occupied 24/7 — especially if your first little one is still very little and needy.”
It’s important to know these feelings are normal, but also to seek help if necessary.
Psychology Today insisted that these feelings that differ between a first and second child are valid and should be treated as such. However, if you’re really struggling, it’s OK to seek out help.
“Excessive guilt” is one of the reasons they suggest seeing a therapist. In this mom’s case, it may be helpful to talk to someone about how she’s feeling.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.