8 Ways To Handle An Emotional Manipulator When You Feel Like You're Losing Your Mind
Smart strategies to help shield from emotional mainpulation.
SanneBerg from Getty Images | Canva How do you handle an emotional manipulator if you're dating one, employed by one, or in a family with one? There is often no way to win when someone is using manipulative behaviors. This type of person is usually stuck in a controlling mindset, causing chaos and drama wherever they go, until they see themselves and decide to change.
However there are some tactics that can help you better handle an emotionally manipulative person before you lose your patience.
Here are eight effective ways to handle an emotional manipulator:
1. Keep your wits about you
Critical thinking skills are the most important thing you need in these relationships. Emotional manipulators masterfully disconnect you from rational thinking, as explored by research from the American Philosophical Quarterly. Emotional manipulators will distract, deflect, and confuse you to keep you off balance.
So, if you feel confused, do not do or say anything until you have time to get clear. It sounds easy and simple, but it's extremely difficult to do because when we feel taken advantage of, we resort to very primitive responses. Before we know it, we're defending ourselves.
2. Don't let them isolate you
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Emotional manipulators love to get you alone where no one else is around to question them. Always communicate with them via text, email, or in public. Stay away from one-on-one verbal conversations.
In public, getting up and leaving is an option. On text/email, reply in your own time. If an emotional manipulator isolates you verbally, they will win. Verbal warfare is their top skill soon, they'll trick you into saying more than you ever wanted to (and then they'll use it against you).
3. Listen to your gut
If you find yourself sharply veering away from your normal behavior, this is your first clue you're in a toxic dynamic. Listen closely. If you're feeling or acting irrationally, remember that lost people get us lost.
If you've been sucked in, face reality about it and stop the conversation and interaction with that person immediately. You do not owe them continued arguing.
4. Get outside verification of your situation
Explain the situation to someone you trust and ask for help reconnecting with the thinking part of your brain. Are you misinterpreting things, or does this behavior seem irrational to them, too?
5. Do the opposite of what they do
If they argue, don’t argue. If they want excitement and drama, avoid being dramatic. If they ignore you to get you to chase after them, don’t chase. If you remain boring, they'll eventually leave you alone.
Keep your thinking mind open and your mouth shut. Silence is often the best way to calm annoying people. What they want more than anything is your attention, and they'll run around, jump all over, and bark incessantly to get it.
6. Pick your battles
Never take action when you're angry. A study in the Australian Journal of Psychology supports how emotional manipulators use your anger to flip you over and win. You'll never convince them they're wrong, so don't waste time trying. Learn not to waste your breath.
7. Ignore their tantrums
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Their tantrums show up in many forms, so beware. The thing to remember about tantrums is they're just making noise. They're trying to irritate you and get under your skin until you do what they want, as suggested by a study of emotional regulation and anger in the Behaviour Research and Therapy Journal. They're provoking you on purpose, so ignore their noise and call their bluff.
Set contingencies, like a 15-minute late policy; if they're not on time, leave. If they yell, leave the room. If they play the martyr, don't give them attention for it. If they ignore you to make you feel insignificant, don’t chase them.
8. Never explain yourself
Emotional manipulators use misdirection and confusion to throw you off balance and put you on the defensive so you'll begin explaining yourself, as suggested in a study in the Journal of Personality and Individual Differences. Remember, the more you say, the more ammunition you're providing them to use against you.
It doesn’t matter that you're right, emotional manipulators get a rise out of making you defend yourself before they go in for the kill. The more you talk, the more powerful they feel.
Because emotional manipulators love attention, control, and power, silence and not engaging in the conversation they're provoking drive them crazy. One way to avoid these arguments is to stay with the current issue and use the language of “I would like to find a solution to today’s issue.”
Don’t take it personally — they're this way with everyone. It is not unique to you, regardless of what they may say to make you believe you're the only person they have issues with. Your best bet is to limit the amount of time spent around these people and/or get them out of your life. You will never change them. The only person you can control is you.
Stefanie Safran has been in the matchmaking industry for over fifteen years. As a matchmaker and dating coach, she is committed to helping daters achieve an honest and ethical approach.