6 Signs You Have A Selfishly Transactional Husband, According To Experts
You are not a vending machine to dispense his wants and needs.
Javier Dall | Canva You buy a coffee, trade old books for new ones, and exchange a poorly planned gift for something more useful. You regularly make transactions like these, but you probably don't want to make transactions for love, intimacy, emotional labor, and support. However, you may have felt like a vending machine in your marriage.
Here are 6 signs you have a transactional husband, according to experts:
1. He keeps a scorecard
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A transactional husband constantly keeps score. if you make a personal purchase, he makes you earn it back by doing something for him or uses it as an excuse to buy himself something.
He may view a chore or favor he does for you as transactional: "I did this for you therefore you owe me." In worst-case scenarios, transactional husbands may outspend you, request services, or demand social favors they know will push your buttons, which kills a relationship as shown in research from Illinois State University.
If you don't comply, he'll blame you for being unfair. A transactional husband sees himself in an imaginary competition with his wife and he always has to win.
— Dr Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therapist
2. Everything is a trade-off
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A clear sign you have a transactional husband is if he expects something in return for every gesture. If he fills up your gas tank, he’s already wondering where his breakfast in bed is. He buys you a purse? He’s waiting for intimate time.
Research from Finders University helps us understand that instead of giving out of love, everything feels like a trade-off, with strings attached to even the simplest acts of kindness.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach, NLP practitioner
3. He places unequal value in his column of the scorecard
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Keeping a list of things he does that you don't do is certainly a sign. Research on mate value and relationship satisfaction published by Public Library of Science One Journal supports that he is placing a higher worth on these things is a sign he prioritizes his contributions and keeps tabs on his scorecard and yours.
4. You have an I-It relationship
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In a simple I-It relationship, you have two entities: a subject and an object. This relationship is not a true dialogue but a monologue.
It’s a relationship based on sensation, utility, and experience, as shown in a study published in Frontiers in Psychology. The object in question isn’t real as a separate self, but it exists only to satisfy wants and needs. It’s a mental representation of reality, not something valuable in the world.
Common examples of I-It relationships may include the different bonds you form with the inanimate objects in your life. For example, you don’t need to treat your phone as animate. It’s just a part of your environment to provide you with material benefits.
That said, even the relationships we have with other people (who are not objects but subjects themselves) follow an I-It dynamic. Of course, you can still engage in a dialogue in such a relationship, but it’s not an honest dialogue.
There is a difference between a conversation that flows authentically and bounces between two different people and one that is flat, transactional, and only occurs to serve a purpose.
There can still be emotion and feeling involved when there is an I-It dynamic, but generally speaking, these manifestations are not engagements within a relationship, instead, they are expressions of attitude towards an object that has either pleased you or dissatisfied you.
5. You feel like a vending machine
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Most of our interactions with others happen behind a screen of some sort. A lot of us seem to forget that the other genders out there have feelings, needs, and dreams of their own! This leads to people believing that love is transactional, as suggested by research comparing health selfishness and pathological altruism published by Frontiers in Psychology.
Humans stopped treating humans as humans and started to treat them like vending machines. A lot of people think if you put time, niceness, or date tokens in, intimacy and love will fall out. If they don’t get the intimacy they ordered, they feel entitled to shake or kick the vending machine in the hope intimacy falls out that way.
Rather than being a person, you’re a transaction they don’t want to make. This is why Nice Guy Syndrome is so common. They feel entitled to intimacy or love just because they did X, Y, and Z. This is why ghosting is so common, too. Love isn’t transactional and, unfortunately, a lot of people no longer remember that.
6. He gives gifts instead of communicating about issues
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Flowers and chocolate are adorable and loved. But if the only time we receive these gifts is an apology for doing something wrong, the relationship becomes transactional. Research published by Frontiers in Psychology demonstrates the importance of apologies and restitution in relationship repair. However, by giving her these items without addressing the issue, you're shutting down any opportunity to address the real issue by talking about it.
— Erica Goodstone, Ph.D., Psychotherapist and Marriage Counselor
A transactional relationship can start that way, or develop over time as a sign of stagnation in marriage.
However, marriage is not a checking account where each deed and duty is tracked and balanced. A transactional relationship is not about equality and accountability, it is about control and the fulfillment of self-centered desires and indicates a relationship in need of help.
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.