Friendship Expert Reveals The 5 'Friendship Red Flags' She Wishes She Knew Sooner
Is she your best friend or your worst enemy?
Mangostar | Shutterstock Most of us cherish our friendships. However, this means we could overlook some toxic traits and behaviors, finding ourselves stuck in a destructive friendship.
One friendship expert took to social media to share the top five signs your bestie may just be your worst enemy.
The top 5 ‘friendship red flags’ one expert wishes she knew sooner:
Anaya, a self-proclaimed friendship expert on TikTok, shared a video revealing the top five friendship red flags that you’ll want to look out for in your own friendships.
1. One-sided effort
According to Anaya, this is a “great indicator” that your friend does not value you as much as you value them and she used birthdays as an example.
“I’m the type of person that goes all out for birthdays, but if I don’t get the same thing in return, then I become resentful,” she said.
For example, if you send your friend a midnight text on her birthday, surprise him with his favorite coffee, and buy her a meaningful gift, you are a valuable and thoughtful friend. If, however, the same friend cannot even remember to send a text on your own birthday, they do not hold the same value for you.
One-sided effort is not limited to birthdays. If you find that you are the only one reaching out to make plans or to check in, your efforts are clearly not being reciprocated, and after a while, it can start to take a toll on your overall well-being.
Once a “friend” makes it clear that they will never treat you with the same love and respect you give to them, there is nothing wrong with moving on from the friendship.
“You do not have to keep on showing up for the people who are not showing up for you,” Anaya added.
2. Constant negativity
“If you spend time with four ‘negative Nancys,’ you are going to be the fifth ‘negative Nancy,’” Anaya said.
We’ve all had that one friend who never had anything positive or uplifting to say and spent all of their time griping about the unfairness of the world while doing nothing to fix it for their own good. After we spend time with these friends, we often find ourselves in desperate need of a nap since they emotionally drain us with their non-stop complaining.
We may not even realize it, but if we continue to spend time with people like this, we will adopt their negative personalities.
We may start nitpicking every little thing about ourselves we don’t like, refuse to celebrate any of our personal accomplishments, and begin to have an overall bleak outlook on life.
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That negative friend’s voice has a way of snaking itself into our own minds even when they are not around.
Anaya said it's important to gauge how we feel after spending time with our friends to determine just how good they are for us.
“Pay attention to how you feel in your gut after you talk to someone. Do you feel refreshed, or do you feel drained?” she said.
It is one thing to have a bad day or to go through a rough patch every once in a while and need support. It is another to constantly focus on all the bad and drag your friends down with you.
“It’s okay to be there for someone when they’re going through a rough time, but if we’re talking every single week, you have a problem,” Anaya pointed out.
3. Competition
Beware of that one friend that always seems to be competing with you.
You tell them about your recent job promotion, and they refuse to congratulate you and brag about how much they’ve gotten done on the job. You get engaged, and they all of a sudden feel the need to get a romantic partner to rub in your face.
It is one thing to be influenced by your friends and to buy a new hand lotion they recommend or try a new restaurant they’ve been raving about. It is another to actively compete with them.
“Friendships should be uplifting and encouraging,” Anaya noted. “And right next to competition or competitiveness from your friend. If it’s consistent, it’s probably jealousy.”
A true friend should support all of your accomplishments and be by your side, cheering you on.
“I only wanna be surrounded by people who are encouraging and supportive. Period!” Anaya said.
And you should too!
4. Flakiness
We all know how difficult it is to make plans with that one friend who always seems to flake. However, we should not even be attempting to make plans with them at all.
“If you are making plans with someone and they always have something better to do, they’re not valuing your time,” Anaya said.
“The things that are important like work and school, they’re always in the calendar. If you can make room for an eight-hour task then you can make room for a one-hour task, or 30 minutes, or to call someone or text someone.”
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Anaya also called out those who make plans yet continue to bail.
“For them to make the plan while they know something’s going on, that’s not right cause you’re wasting people’s time,” she added.
5. Gossiping
If your friends cannot seem to stop gossiping about other people to you, they have definitely gossiped about you to others.
While we are all guilty of engaging in the occasional gossip, beware of the friends who cannot get enough of it.
Anaya said that constant gossip is a breach of trust, and your friends who live off gossip have more than likely spilled some of the most personal information about you that you trusted them with.
“That is something that they are used to doing,” she says.
It is important to note that people who spend most of their time gossiping about others are likely insecure about themselves and focus on every flaw they notice in others.
So if you catch your friends gossiping about you, it is a them problem, not a you problem!
You should look forward to spending time and catching up with your friends and never feel unsupported or ridiculed.
When you've got good friends, however, don't ever hesitate to let them know how much they mean to you. As friendship expert Marisa Franco told NPR, "Tell them how much they mean to you. Tell them when you think of them in passing. Remind them you are grateful to know them. These simple acts provide a layer of security in the relationship. It shows your friends that you genuinely care for them and lets them know it's safe to invest in your friendship."
While moving on from a toxic friendship may be difficult, especially if it's someone you have known for a long time, you’ll be surprised by just how much your life turns around once you no longer have that negative, draining relationship to deal with.
Megan Quinn is a writer at YourTango who covers entertainment and news, self, love, and relationships.