Frustrated Woman Left A Girls' Dinner Before It Started Because Her Friend’s ‘Lonely’ Husband Showed Up — ‘You're Not His Emotional Support Animal’
Don’t underestimate the value of quality girl time.
millann / Canva Pro Everyone needs time away from their partners now and then to nourish their relationships with family and friends. The distance can be healthy and allow each individual to cultivate a sense of independence and confidence outside their relationship.
One woman frustratingly left a girls' dinner before it started after her friend’s ‘lonely’ husband tagged along.
The woman, Pattie Ehsaei, took to TikTok to report the experience as she drove back home from the dinner.
“One of my friend’s husbands insists on showing up every time we are together,” she began the video. “If we have a spa day, guess who shows up. If we have a pool day, he shows up. If we have a girls' brunch to celebrate one of our birthdays, he shows up.”
Ehsaei’s agitation over the situation is understandable, as girls' days are designated safe spaces for women to connect and strengthen their bonds with each other. Sometimes, the constant presence of a husband or partner contradicts the point of having time with your girlfriends.
“We all have significant others,” Ehsaei expressed. “We all have husbands or fiancés or boyfriends, and none of them are showing up except you.”
One of the last times the husband notoriously showed up to a gathering with the girls, Ehsaei pulled his wife aside to confront her.
“I said, ‘Listen, I love your husband, and I really, really do, he is a great guy. However, when I’m with my girls, [there are] certain things that I want to talk about that I may not feel comfortable speaking about in front of your man.’”
The wife agreed and said she felt ‘suffocated’ bringing her husband to every girls’ gathering.
Ehsaei makes a valid point about the significance of girl time when women can discuss their innermost thoughts and feelings. Introducing a man to the mix contradicts the intention of the sacred space women desire with each other.
“She’s like, ‘You know what, I know, it’s really bad for me too,’” Ehsaei reiterated. “‘I really feel suffocated because every time I want to go out and do something, he wants to come, but he always makes me feel guilty because he literally has nothing else to do.’”
While many couples can relate to the anxiety of brief separation, that distance is necessary to help each partner individually grow. Without it, partners grow codependent and struggle to function independently.
“You are not his emotional support animal,” Ehsaei emphasized. “And you are not responsible for his social life. Tell him to find some friends.”
Ehsaei additionally speculated that the husband’s behavior indicated a need for control more than a sense of loneliness.
“This is about him wanting to be everywhere his wife is so he could see what … she is doing because he is not confident enough with himself to let her go and be with her … friends,” Ehsaei said.
The woman and her husband haven't communicated the significance of independence outside their relationship.
After Ehsaei and the woman's conversation, her husband showed up again at their girls' gathering, at which point Ehsaei was fed up and made the decision to leave.
“There are places where it’s not appropriate for your significant other to show up,” she argued. “Why don’t we start respecting each other’s boundaries? Why don’t we start respecting that our significant others need time away from us?”
It's likely this husband doesn't seem to understand his wrongdoing, and he may genuinely just want to spend time with his wife and her friends. He doesn't seem to be actively trying to make her and her friends uncomfortable — he just wants to be included, and this is valid.
However, based on Ehsaei's perspective, the man appears to be dependent on his wife and averse to the idea of spending time alone or seeking out his own friendships. This can happen in relationships when we find someone we feel comfortable and safe with.
There's nothing wrong with sharing friendly outings with your partner now and then, but time apart allows you the space to focus on your individual passions and interests, and it also creates a stronger connection. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder.
What the man isn’t recognizing is how he is not only crossing his wife’s boundaries, but he isn’t embracing time to himself.
TikTokers agreed the woman needs to set boundaries with her husband for both of their benefit.
It’s important for men and women alike to allow their partners time to themselves, and it’s equally important to spend some time alone to nourish your relationship with yourself.
It's clear, however, that this couple needs to have a discussion about healthy time apart. He can't be blamed for ruining his wife's time with her friends if he doesn't know he wasn't invited.
Another woman, Shawnda, a life coach on TikTok, responded to Ehsaei’s video addressing the man’s codependent and insecure behavior.
“Why haven't you established yourself a life outside of your wife?” Shawnda expressed. “When women are together as a group, there are things that we talk about, that we joke about … it’s a different vibe when it’s a girls' group than when someone brings their man. I feel like it’s selfish of both of them to ruin the vibe of the event just so that they could be together, like, they can’t be together any other time.”
Relationships are stronger when both partners have a sense of individuality and independence.
The man may be doing his wife an injustice by inserting himself in her plans with her girls, and she is doing herself a disservice by not enforcing boundaries with him. In the end, they just need to better communicate their individual needs with each other and find a fair compromise.
They can still make plans together, like double dates and friend outings, which can offer everyone an opportunity to bring their partners and bond with each other.
However, a healthy and supportive partner should respect their spouse's sense of self and encourage them to have their own space to grow and connect with others.
Francesca Duarte is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team based in Orlando, FL. She covers lifestyle, human-interest, adventure, and spirituality topics.