If Your Parents Taught You These 8 Skills Growing Up, You're Probably Never Lonely As An Adult
Teaching great social skills requires a rare combination of kindness, skills, and direction.
Ground Picture via Shutterstock | FutureLucky via Canva We all remember what it felt like to be a teenager. For some of us, that meant loneliness and isolation. We sulked around the house because there was no one to hang out with, confide in, share their secrets, or laugh with. If you were able to find your way through this phase, you probably had good guidance from the adults in your life.
This experience is hardest on the kids, but it's not easy on parents, either. Watching your teen stay on the outside of the social bubble or trailing behind other kids during social gatherings can be utterly heartbreaking. So what are the secrets of parents who helped their teens gain social skills so they'd rarely be lonely?
Eight Social Skills Parents Taught So Their Kids Would Rarely Be Lonely As Adults
1. You can't expect others to jump in and “fix" every problem
Parents who help their kids develop social skills avoid the temptation to jump in and “fix” things. This sends the message a parent questions the teen’s competency. Gently gaining trust is the best way to begin a conversation about a painful subject.
In addition, teens who learn that they can solve problems on their own don't reflexively bring every problem to others, which can create a lot of negativity in a friendship.
2. Open communication
Teens are notoriously difficult to converse with, and great parents do their best to understand their social landscape. No matter what, they empathize and try to stay calm.
For instance, if you said to a parent, “This girl says cruel stuff to me in front of others, and no one stands up for me," a great parent will summarize and repeat back the statements to allow you to interpret the situation more objectively.
One of the most important jobs of parenthood is to offer support, and open communication is key here. Having a strong foundation of love and support at home can give people the courage they might need to talk to a new classmate or start playing a new sport after school — and this is a skill that lasts well into adulthood!
Open communication is also an important feature in being a good friend, and the best way to teach it is to model it like this.
3. How to see your own shortcomings
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To truly help address your teen's loneliness, a parent must first determine what social skills are lacking. A great parent is willing to check their own biases before encouraging a teen to become more involved in activities and is open to how their kid experiences the world.
For instance, a parent might have been popular, but their kid might be happiest with just a few close friends or on the outskirts of a group.
In being able to see their own biases, they teach their child not to assume that everyone thinks like them or wants what they want. They can then help their teen pursue friendships that will be meaningful, giving them skills that will keep them from being lonely in the future.
A great parent will discuss what makes a good friend, the different ways we all choose friends, what their interests are, and who else shares those interests.
4. How to handle change and transitions
We usually surround ourselves by people who share our interests. A change in interests is no one’s fault. New sports, groups, and social circles can often translate into new friendships and this often happens during teenage years and it's key parents help a teen know how to react when it does.
If, as a teen, you expressed feelings of abandonment and your parents joined you in being angry at the other kids for changing, you may react with anger or resentment as an adult, rather than adapting to a friend's new interests or simply letting them drift further off without too much despair or drama.
This is a lesson that carries over well into adulthood.
5. The value of finding hobbies and activities you actually enjoy
When kids are already struggling, forcing them against their will to join clubs isn’t a good way to gain cooperation, particularly with teens who are trying to become more independent. If your parents did this, you may have reacted by clinging harder to things you can control, a lesson that can carry a lot of negativity into adulthood.
Instead, a great parent will suggest three potential activities and together evaluate each one. It’s enough to find just one thing they like to do once a week and then support them while they learn more about it.
6. How to praise or compliment someone genuinely
Parents who take the opportunity to praise a teen who is being a good friend are more likely to raise someone who behaves like a good friend. When you're struggling, you want to hear that your efforts are being recognized.
Reassuring a child that they are loved and that everyone struggles with something can help prevent them panicking when things go wrong. It also gives teens the confidence to continue to use and perfect their social skills.
7. How to talk to someone, not at them
The most important thing parents can do is to keep communication flowing without taking an authoritarian approach.
To keep communication flowing, family coach T-Ann Pierce suggests, "Speaking with kids — and not at them — allows kids to value their voices and opinions. Plus, feeling safe to stand up for themselves and their beliefs nurtures their confidence. When you allow communication to be a two-way street, your kids are more likely to feel safe talking with you."
Friendships are critical to a person’s mental health, as shown by the APA. In addition to companionship and entertainment, healthy friendships are the foundation for building independence. And it can be hard to have a friendship when one person acts like the ultimate authority or boss over the other.
If a parent behaves this way toward their child, particularly when it inhibits its open communication, the child will learn to behave that way in friendships and relationships in the future.
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8. That anxiety is natural, and it's OK to feel insecure or even 'weak'
Around puberty, some kids develop social anxiety disorder — excessive worrying about what other people think of them. They often avoid social situations in which they fear they might embarrass themselves. Lots of parents want to tell their kids it's silly to be scared or that there's nothing to be anxious about. But this can be a big mistake.
"Even though anxiety loves reassurance because it offers short-term relief from discomfort, telling kids that everything will be okay or not to worry only increases long-term anxiety. These reassurances don't work because you are not teaching the necessary coping skills your child or teen actually needs," advised psychologist Sharon Saline.
A teen that is isolating from peers is different from one who is being bullied. With a rising number of young adults being diagnosed with mental health disorders, parents must be aware of the warning signs of mental health issues as their children mature.
A great parent sees their struggling to make friends or getting rejected by other kids and doesn’t hang back, ignore the problem or make false promises. Instead, they help their teen build and practice the skills to cultivate friendships or address any other issues that might be contributing to their anxiety — social or not.
This helps kids know how to react when they become adults, too. They won't try to push down their social anxieties or fears and will reach out for support when needed.
Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed. is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them.