The 7 Big Rules Of Raising Teenagers Who Actually Like Their Parents
As children grow, you have to revise how you parent.
Twin Sails | Shutterstock My son is growing up and becoming more independent. He doesn't need me in the same way he once did. I'm finding he needs me both less and more now than ever before, and sometimes at the same time. This can be exhausting for both of us.
I'm discovering his changes require me to revise how I parent as well as the way I view my role as his mom.
The seven big rules of raising teenagers who like their parents
1. Set reasonably high expectations
Kids tend to rise or lower themselves to the standards set for them, and this is especially the case during adolescence. Set your expectations high, but be reasonable. Expect the best from your kids, and let them know of your expectations.
By setting high standards, you tell them you have confidence in them and support them to be their best. Not only does this increase their self-confidence, but it encourages them to set high standards for themselves and become comfortable with high standards in general.
2. Have clear rules and consequences
Kids need clarity, and adolescents are especially likely to interpret ambiguous terms to their advantage when given the opportunity. Remember, they're whip-smart and flexing their independence, so outline the rules clearly and in detail.
Clarity is also important when it comes to the advanced warning of the consequences that await them for breaking those rules. In general, punishments should be reasonable and directly related to the infraction.
For example, give your child a specific time by which they need to return home instead of telling them not to stay out too late or to be back within a few hours. Don't leave it up to their interpretation. That said, arriving home 20 minutes late should receive a different level of punishment than arriving home 2 hours late.
Confusion and lack of clarity result in otherwise avoidable conflict hurt feelings, and weakened trust on both sides. If that happens, your child is likely to believe you've unfairly changed the rules on them and, understandably, resent you for it.
3. Be prepared to explain why — and do
You may not be used to explaining the reasons behind your rules to your kids, at least not thoroughly, but that changes as they grow up. Not only do they want to know, but they need to understand the "why" behind the rules you expect them to follow.
Do they want you to justify certain rules they don't like? Of course. But there's more to it than that. They're in the process of developing their sense of right and wrong as they begin setting rules and boundaries of their own.
Offering explanations of the reasoning behind your rules is the perfect opportunity to guide and educate them toward developing a strong moral compass within themselves, as supported by the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology (2007).
Try to be patient as your kids question and challenge you and your rules. I find that I can be a bit more patient when I remind myself of the reasons behind why I need to explain the rules more thoroughly to my son.
4. Be their parent, not their friend
It's tempting to want to be your child's friend as they get to this stage of life, but they don't need yet another friend. They need a parent.
This doesn't mean you can't be close, but as their parent, it's your job to do the following:
- Speak honestly and truthfully out of love
- Teach them that independence isn't mutually exclusive with asking for support and guidance
- Help them develop a strong moral compass
- Always have their back
- Help them to figure out the right path for themselves
It's a difficult line to thread, as you don't want to be too involved, nor do you want to be too hands-off. Sometimes, you'll need to let go and let them fail, while at other times, you'll need to step in. Use your common sense.
Being their parent in an open, honest, and respectful way will garner their respect and foster a close relationship built on trust, which means they'll be more likely to come to you when they need advice, support, and guidance in the future.
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5. Punish specific behaviors without relating them to their character
Your kids will mess up. When they do, be sure not to overgeneralize or get off-topic. Speak to their specific choices and the consequences of those choices.
Do they need to know they messed up? Absolutely. But that doesn't require you to go overboard, so be careful not to lecture them about every wrong they've committed when punishing them.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't reference patterns of behavior, but stay away from expounding on a large list of unrelated infractions. Not only will they tune you out, but you'll lose their trust and kill their self-confidence.
Take care not to relate their behavior to their general character or a listing of their overall shortcomings, as doing so only creates resentment and distrust. Our kids tend to believe the labels we give them, so try to avoid inadvertently creating negative labels for them, as discussed in a 2015 study.
6. Be flexible and allow them freedom
The point of raising a human being is to help them develop into independent adults. The only way to do that is to allow them space to explore, and that means letting go and allowing your kids more autonomy and choice over time.
Give them opportunities to rise to the occasion and earn your trust. When they earn it, expand their autonomy and responsibilities even more. This is scary, but necessary if you want them to become independent-thinking adults who can take care of themselves.
Besides, it's best to allow them the opportunity to experience this type of freedom when there's still a parental safety net to catch them if they fall.
Of course, when they violate your trust (as they certainly will), rein them in. Be clear about why you're taking their liberties away and how they can regain your trust and additional freedoms in the future.
7. Be the example
Adolescence is a time when parents are less in control of their kids while still holding a high level of influence, and we are at our most influential when we lead through example.
Everything you say and do right now is being closely monitored and analyzed by your kids. This requires you to set high standards for yourself and abide by them. The Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology (2024) shows how being an example also requires your honesty at all times, as well as an apology when you mess up.
The example you set teaches your kids how to take care of themselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and how to deal with stress and pressure in healthy ways. They'll be watching and analyzing your habits and coping techniques, so stay mindful of your own choices.
Parenting is messy, scary, and hard. But it's also the most rewarding and interesting job in the universe. The adolescent years will be over before you know it, and when that time arrives, you may even find yourself wishing they weren't.
So, take a deep breath and have some fun.
Heather Moulder is a career and life coach and founder of Course Correction Coaching. She specializes in helping professional women have both a successful career and happy home life with real work-life balance.