7 Behaviors Of Couples Who Are Destined To Grow Old Lonely And Miserable, According To Psychology
Couples who behave in these unappealing ways often end up alone and ostracized.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva Do you know the signs of a couple who is destined to grow old lonely and miserable? And, more importantly, do you know when these red flags indicate that you should break up and move on?
I used to click on every story I saw about miserable relationships. ‘What To Do If Your Friend Is In A Toxic Relationship, ‘Nine Reasons To End Your Relationship Now, ‘How To Know If You’re In An Abusive Relationship — I would disappear for hours down a rabbit hole of links and listicles.
What was I looking for? Permission to end my lonely relationship? Confirmation my relationship was, in fact, miserable?
Reading those articles did have a snowball effect, though; it helped me to know I wasn’t alone and that I wasn’t imagining things. If you’re in the place I was in — looking for permission to leave, or confirmation of your instincts — here are some signs to help you.
Here are the behaviors of couples who are destined to be lonely and isolated as they grow old:
1. One or both of you feels confused all the time
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I used to walk around having conversations with myself about whether or not I should be upset about something. ‘Am I the jerk or is he?’ I’d ask myself.
We had horrible fights, and afterward, I didn’t even know what they were about or who started them. When I tried to talk to him, he was quick to tell me that no, I shouldn’t be upset, yes, I was the problem and that I’d picked the fight.
Relationship ambivalence describes a state of mixed or conflicting feelings toward one's partner, leading to uncertainty and confusion about the relationship's direction. It can stem from various factors, such as unresolved conflicts, incompatible values, fear of commitment, or past relationship experiences.
2016 research recommended effective communication strategies, including open and honest expression of feelings, can help reduce relationship confusion.
2. One or both of you is hiding something big
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One night I met my boyfriend for dinner at our fave restaurant. He was more dressed up than usual and seemed nervous, full of frenetic energy.
Halfway through dinner, I asked if anything was wrong. He said he was fine, but insisted I’d been “acting weird all night”. I started to feel sick; I said I wanted to go home.
We ended up having a huge fight that he maintained was my fault for weeks after — until one of his friends emailed me to confess she and my boyfriend were having an affair that had started the night before that restaurant fight.
Research published by Europe's Journal of Psychology found that this is often linked to a pattern of excessive self-blame, typically stemming from childhood experiences like abuse, neglect, or overly critical parenting, where individuals learn to internalize responsibility for adverse events even when they aren't at fault.
This is called a learned helplessness dynamic, causing people to believe they have little control over their circumstances and attribute blame to themselves even when unjustified. While a healthy level of personal responsibility is essential, an overly internal locus of control, where someone believes they are almost entirely responsible for all outcomes, can lead to excessive self-blame.
3. One or both of you doesn't trust the other
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I used to change the passcode on my phone all the time because I was afraid my boyfriend would look through innocent text messages and get upset. When we were together and my phone buzzed, my stomach would jump.
He could hear my phone vibrate from two rooms away. “Someone’s calling you,” he’d say, ominously. It wasn’t that I was cheating on him or badmouthing him or doing anything I didn’t want him to know about — other than communicating with other people.
4. One or both of you has distanced the other from their family and friends
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According to my boyfriend, all my friends were either crazy (my girlfriends) or just wanted to sleep with me (my male friends.) My family was “completely bad,” as well as being made up of hypocrites and losers.
“I’m the only person who’s ever really loved you,” he used to tell me, and, even creepier, “no one will ever love you the way I do.” I certainly hope not.
Distancing from friends and family can stem from various factors, including unresolved conflicts, personal growth leading to different life paths, a need for personal space, fear of intimacy, past hurts, stress, and sometimes even underlying mental health issues.
A 2024 study highlighted excessive negative self-disclosure as a potential trigger for distancing within friendships. Researchers also suggest that while some distance can be healthy, actively pushing people away can be detrimental to overall well-being due to the importance of social connection.
5. One or both of you calls each other names
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You’d think when someone calls you a bad name you’d be through with that person, and yet I tried to excuse it. He was just upset. He’d been drinking. My bad mood and vicious tongue must’ve triggered him.
Haven’t we all said things we wished we hadn’t? Words don’t mean anything, really — it’s actions that matter. At least that’s what he used to say to me.
So he called me an ugly name; he also patched up all the mouse holes in my apartment and slaved over the stove all day to make my father’s famous stew for me as a surprise. How could I be mad?
6. One or both of you feel forced into intimacy
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Sometimes, when my mind is confused, my body tells me the truth. I used to feel sick after being intimate with my boyfriend. I thought I was just a freak (another name he used to call me.)
If you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s not assault, is it? Sometimes he wants to and you don’t, and sometimes you want to and he doesn’t. But there’s a difference between changing your mind once you start fooling around and steeling yourself when he rolls over and puts his hands on you.
2018 research found that feeling pressured to be intimate despite not wanting to often falls under the umbrella of coercion or compulsive explicit behavior.
Factors like low self-esteem, relationship dynamics, fear of rejection, and past trauma play significant roles. Individuals might feel compelled to engage in intimate activities to maintain a relationship, avoid conflict, or due to deeply ingrained beliefs about their role in a partnership.
7. One or both of you no longer recognizes the other
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I remember the day I made up my mind to end my toxic relationship once and for all. I was riding the train into the city with some friends, and every time we went above ground my phone buzzed with angry texts. My boyfriend was angry. Shaky and ashen, I came clean with my friends about what was happening.
One of them got very upset, telling me I had to break things off immediately, to do whatever I had to, and even call the police if necessary. But our other friend cut her off.
“You know this person is bad for Elizabeth, and I know this person is bad for Elizabeth, but she needs to know it. It has to be her decision; we can’t do this for her.”
I felt like a child with my nose in the corner, listening on as the adults discussed things over my head. It made me furious. How could they talk about me like that? And that’s what did it.
Finally, I’d had enough. My rage and humiliation turned into pure resolve. It was over that day.
Please know that any one of these signs is more than enough reason to walk away from your relationship and never look back. Please know I understand exactly how hard it is to leave, and if I could reach through the screen, I wouldn’t shake you, I’d hug you.
But since I can’t, please, be honest and kind to yourself; this is not your fault, and you deserve better … we all do.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Elizabeth Laura Nelson is a writer based in Brooklyn, New York. Formerly the managing editor of Woman’s World and First for Women, she has written for numerous websites including xoJane, Elite Daily, YourTango, and more.