Do Not Fully Commit To Someone Until You Know These 6 Things About Them, According To Psychology
Make sure you're compatible before settling in for the long-haul.
stockfour | Canva Many people believe that the right relationship is supposed to last forever, but forever is a long time. It’s one of those concepts that’s hard to wrap your mind around, especially when you’re in that heady stage of infatuation that comes with a new relationship.
But no matter how intoxicating you find someone, there are certain things you need to know before you offer a commitment to anyone. Some of them may seem unattractive, but getting the answers to these questions will help deepen how well you know each other, which is the most attractive thing of all.
Don't commit to anyone until you know these things about them:
1. Where do they want to live?
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If you have dreams of living in a rustic country cottage and your partner needs the hustle and bustle of a big city, you’ll have to reach a middle ground. It might be spending a few years in one place, moving to another, or living in a woodsy suburb outside a city. Either way, you’ll want to agree from the get-go or understand that you must compromise.
“This is essential because if one person expects to live in a certain state or town and the other wants to move across the country or closer to their family, you'll wind up arguing and feeling resentful,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D.
2. Are they religious?
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“You need to know whether or not your partner supports your views on religion, and most importantly, what beliefs he would want to pass on to children,” says Megan Fleming, Ph.D., relationship expert.
You two don’t need to be of the same religion — it’s the 21st century, and love is love! But you should certainly know whether you’re okay with having differing beliefs if one of you would need the other to convert to make a lifelong commitment, or if their religious standing affects things like their views on birth control.
A 2016 study concluded that knowing if your partner is religious is vital because religion can significantly influence a person's values, ethics, life goals, and approach to major life decisions.
These can impact the dynamics of a relationship, especially when it comes to raising children, celebrating holidays, and navigating difficult situations. Therefore, understanding their level of religious commitment is crucial for building a compatible partnership.
3. Do they want kids?
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“You don’t want one person expecting to start a family while the other has no interest in having children,” says Greer.
But this conversation goes way beyond whether you both want kids in the first place and how many you each want to have, says Greer. You should get into the nitty-gritty of how you’d ideally like to raise them. How strict of an upbringing? Public school or private? What’s the deal with junk food?
Having kids is one of the most unpredictable things in the world, no matter how much you try to plan. Being on the same page at least ensures you’re on the same team, says Greer.
4. How do they handle money?
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How much debt do they have, and how are they trying to chip away at it? Are they good at sticking to a budget? Do they spend loads of money when they travel but then get stingy with their money when it comes to buying clothes?
“It’s important to know you have similar values about money and finances," says Greer. "Otherwise, it will be difficult to have shared financial goals you can both work toward."
Knowing how your partner handles money is crucial for a healthy relationship. It allows you to understand their financial priorities, spending habits, and attitudes toward debt. This can help prevent future conflicts and build a strong foundation for shared financial goals, like buying a house or planning for retirement.
Research published in Current Opinion in Psychology concluded that open communication about finances fosters trust and allows both partners to feel comfortable discussing their financial situation without fear of judgment.
5. How do they treat their parents?
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Think of it as getting a sneak peek into their childhood.
“Seeing [someone] have a good relationship with their parents and treating them with respect says a lot about core experiences [they] had growing up,” says Fleming. Remember if they had a bad relationship with their parents, it doesn’t necessarily signal a red flag.
“Some have mothers who were self-involved, neglectful, or even abusive while they were growing up. Under those circumstances, a healthy distance from her would be understandable,” says Fleming. It could even speak to their good character.
6. Are they rude to servers?
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Or taxi drivers, busboys, and bartenders?
“Notice how your partner treats strangers, especially those providing him service,” says Fleming. This is especially important if they've had a bad day and it’s taking forever to get their meal, or their flight was delayed, and an airline customer service representative can’t do much to help.
“Someone who can breathe through difficult moments and remain considerate is someone with a lot of inner resources to handle stress and the unexpected, both of which I assure you come up in life and relationships,” says Fleming.
A 2021 study found that this concept is often called the waiter rule or the service industry test. They are based on the idea that people tend to reveal their true character when interacting with individuals perceived as having lower power, like waiters, due to the anonymity and perceived lack of consequences, allowing observers to gauge their genuine behavior and personality traits.
People vary in their levels of social awareness and how consciously they manage their public behavior, impacting how readily they might reveal their true selves in such situations.
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