8 Signs Your Partner Is Emotionally Manipulating You, Backed By Psychology
How to not fall for their tricks.
davidpereiras | Canva When someone uses your words against you, it's time to cut the relationship off. Manipulative people ruin your love life, and they never seem to go away. Emotional manipulators are masterful at getting what they want, often at the expense of everyone else’s emotional well-being. When someone uses your words against you, they'll never ever admit that they're taking advantage of you.
Manipulators also tend to like to keep their manipulated victims close by because it’s easier to keep manipulating the same person than to just move to a new person. If someone uses your words against you, it means they don't respect you and they think that they can outsmart you.
You can outsmart a manipulator by distancing yourself from them. Expert Christine Hourd says, "When someone you love has you giving up what makes you happy in exchange for their needs, that’s driven by greed, insecurity, and fear. There’s no love reciprocated. If you choose to value yourself, you’ll be happy and find love every time."
Here are 8 signs your partner is emotionally manipulating you
1. Emotional blackmail
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Ever notice how quickly emotional manipulators jump to making you feel like you’re in the wrong — even when you’re dead sure you’re in the right?
Emotional blackmail is what it’s called, but most people know it as guilt-tripping and blame-shifting.
This is really insidious because they end up getting you to take the blame for their wrongdoings. They will use their manipulation to keep you with them, even when you know they're bad for you.
2. Gaslighting
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Did you ever know a person who just made you question whether or not you were actually sane? Do they "remember" things differently than you do? Do they deny your reality? If so, you’ve dealt with gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic that makes you feel crazy, even when you’re not. It’s about getting you to second-guess yourself until you give up and let your manipulator have their way.
The most common way they do this trick is by saying something, then denying that they said it later on. When a partner gaslights you, the psychological effects can be significant, including feelings of confusion, doubt about your reality, low self-esteem, anxiety, isolation, and a distorted sense of self. A study published in Perspectives on Psychological Science concluded this often leads to losing trust in your perceptions and memories, making it challenging to maintain healthy relationships and advocate for yourself.
3. Withdrawing affection
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When manipulators really aren’t getting what they want from you, they will often start to give you the cold shoulder until you capitulate, or they’ll begin to threaten to break up with you.
They know that people thrive on affection and that withdrawing it quickly causes people to panic. So, they use your need for affection and approval to control you.
4. Using your own words against you
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Emotional manipulators have a way of getting people to do what they want by using their own words against you. More often than not, they use your own words against you in the form of a fake apology or a reason to make them look like the martyr.
Call them out on it and cease communication if they do this. This tactic can severely damage trust in the relationship. It demonstrates that the other person is not listening or respecting your perspective but actively seeking to use your words to harm you. A study published in Personality and Individual Differences concluded that abusive partners sometimes use this tactic to manipulate and control their significant other, making them feel like they are the problem.
5. Turning everyone against you
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The easiest way to make someone feel powerless and to take away their confidence is to turn everyone against them.
This is why many emotional manipulators will go on full smear campaigns against people who they no longer feel they can control, as well as people who they feel are threats.
If you notice that they’re turning people against you, call them out on it and set things right.
6. Sucking the energy from your life
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Some manipulators will actively become energy sucks when they want you to feel uncomfortable around friends and others who make you feel happy. The easiest way to deal with this is to leave the room, and then leave the manipulator at home.
This concept is often referred to as an energy vampire, describing a person who drains your emotional energy through their behaviors, leaving you feeling depleted, stressed, and sometimes even depressed. A 2022 study revealed that this can manifest through constant negativity, excessive demands for attention, victim mentality, or manipulative tactics, often leaving the victim feeling drained and unable to cope effectively.
7. Unleashing anger
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Anger is scary, which is why some manipulators will use it to get their way. They know many people are easily cowed into doing what they want, as long as there’s an angry fist being waved in their face.
8. Preying on your intentions
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Some people just attract emotional manipulators like flies to honey, and there’s a good reason for this. Primarily, it’s because manipulators actively seek out victims who have a certain profile.
According to the Office on Women's Health, psychological effects of emotional manipulation can include decreased self-esteem, anxiety, depression, confusion, difficulty trusting others, feelings of guilt and shame, a distorted sense of reality, and even post-traumatic stress disorder, as the constant undermining of one's perception of reality can lead to a significant impact on mental health and self-worth.
If you’re insecure, overly trusting, or a genuinely decent person, your best line of defense is learning the traits of a manipulator and bailing before they can hurt you.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474, or log onto thehotline.org.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.