10 Traits That Separate Truly Kind Spouses From Those Who Are Just Nice
Nice is a mask, kind is genuine.
SolStock | Canva Niceness is surface, like a mask we wear to keep inner peace while dealing with being social around those we might not like so much. But kindness is a trait of people who genuinely care about others and want to make everyone's day a little better.
Kindness as a trait in your spouse is like winning the lottery, you know you will be emotionally secure for life with this person, but you will also have new responsibilities to make sure the security of the marriage is maintained.
Here are traits that separate truly kind spouses from those that are just nice:
1. Kind spouses are truly willing to work on the relationship with you
This is an important piece of marriage advice: If your partner is refusing to do anything about the problem, or if they tend to simply avoid the subject, no amount of work you do will fix the relationship. It takes both partners to make a relationship work. If they're not willing to work on it, your only real option is to walk away.
2. Kind spouses have a willingness to compromise
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Relationships are all about compromising on wants and needs. If they aren't willing to compromise, it's the same thing as refusing to work on the relationship. In the end, it will result in a one-sided uphill battle that shouldn't be fought.
Psychologist Margaret Paul explained, "Resolution occurs when you develop a joint resolution, and neither of you feels you are compromising yourself or your integrity. Neither of you is giving yourselves up to control the other. Both of you are happy with the resolution. When you explore with the intent to learn, neither of you may feel that the resolution is a compromise. Instead, it may be a new way of looking at and resolving an issue."
3. Kind spouses carry a calm demeanor
Flying off the handle the moment a problem is about to be discussed is a surefire way to shut down any progress you could have made. If you can't both keep calm (for the most part) when talking things out, there's no way to improve things.
4. Kind spouses make the relationship the main priority
If you want to know how to save a marriage and fix things, your partnership is going to have to be your number one priority. This means that your in-laws, your job, your friends, your drinking, and everything else will have to come in second. Not making your relationship a top priority will likely result in one or both of you taking one another for granted yet again.
5. Kind spouses are loyal
Serial cheaters aren't going to change their ways. Don't bother forgiving them.
"The steps of the healing process are the same for serial infidelity as for one infidelity," counselors Mary Ellen Goggin and Jerry Duberstein warned about the challenges of repeated infidelity. "Healing and reparation can never happen without uncompromising, even painful transparency and accountability from the unfaithful spouse. And the betrayed spouse has to be willing to forgive — in time — and move forward."
6. Kind spouses show respect
You can't have love without respect. If you regularly treat one another with contempt, disdain, or a complete lack of respect, the relationship likely ended years ago.
7. Kind spouses understand things take time
A relationship that has gone up in flames isn't going to be fixed within a matter of days. These things take months or even years. Both partners have to be aware that it will take a lot of time and effort to make things right again. If one wants things fixed immediately, it probably won't work out.
8. Kind spouses co-create coupledom
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In other words, you still need to hang out with one another and act as a team to make things work. If you've "uncoupled," the marriage is typically D.O.A.
"Carve out time just for the two of you," advised therapist Susan Saint-Welch, "Make this a priority, because if you don’t carve this time out, it won’t happen. Go on a date no less than every two weeks. If it’s less frequent than two weeks, you lose most of your connection. Date time is when you tune out the rest of the world, including the kids. "Family time" is not the same as couples' time. The point is to reconnect as a couple, not as mom and dad."
9. Kind spouses actively communicate
If you aren't able to tell your partner what you want in an open, honest manner, you can't work on your problems, according to a study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. How can you improve things when you can't even discuss things with your partner? Without being able to talk about everything, there's not much you can do.
10. Kind spouses are hopeful
Hope is what keeps us all going. If you've lost hope in the relationship, it's time to cut your losses and look for someone who can bring hope back into your life.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, New Theory Magazine, and others.