People Who Do These 9 Thing Are More Than Likely People-Pleasers
People-pleasers can't please everyone all the time and can end up depleted.
engin akyurt | Unsplash Some of us are a little too dedicated to the art of people-pleasing and making other people happy — even when it's inconvenient or at our own expense. Whether it’s a constant need to be liked or a chronic fear of conflict to keep the peace, these behaviors suggest that more than likely, you have a people-pleasing personality.
People who do these things are more than likely people-pleasers:
1. They say yes to things they don’t want to do
Most people-pleasers end up over-committing, as discussed by an article in Psychology Today. Whether it’s a trip to Vegas you can’t afford, a baby shower you’d rather not sit through, or an extra project you don’t have time to handle at work, try adopting "no" now and again. You'll probably have to bail on at least one of the commitments anyway, so ultimately, you were defeated from the get-go.
2. They never bluntly say no
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They keep pestering you for a date, you keep nicely saying you have plans, a dance class, or a children’s hospital to build. Just tell them you don’t like them in that way, but you’re still very flattered!
The flattery mentioned is the smart people-pleasers specialty. There are plenty of nice ways to say it — "it" being "no."
Psychologist Dr. Leda Kaveh advised that "Saying "no" is a skill and, like any other skill, it takes practice. Sometimes, you might find yourself saying "yes" when, deep down, you feel like saying "no," so you might want to consider how strong your intentions really are. Try saying "no" on purpose rather than by mistake. Then, take a few deep breaths before you get in tight with another person. Make sure you're not holding back because you’re afraid of the repercussions of your decision."
3. They pay more than they owe
Group dinners can be a nightmare when it’s time to pay. You always end up shoveling over more than your share just to ease the tension of, “We still owe them $68.50.” But we’re sorry — if you had one drink and the person next to you had six, you shouldn’t have to pay the same amount.
Stand your ground, and calmly remind them you only had one beverage. The world will not stop turning if you keep what’s rightfully yours. Or find some nicer friends.
4. They put their grocery cart back in the designated spot
OK, come on, this one’s just common courtesy and the responsible thing to do. If this makes you a people-pleaser, then wave that flag proudly and keep on returning your cart to its proper place.
5. They talk to the annoying person on a plane
You want to sleep, they want to talk your ear off. You politely respond, then start to nod off when you’re exhausted from responding. Bottom line: You don’t owe them anything except courtesy around the armrest. Do not feel obligated to become plane BFFs with Debbie from Cincinnati.
6. They rush to finish a transaction
This applies to when you’re making a transaction and the person behind you is stomping their foot, sighing heavily, and champing at the bit to place their order. There's nothing wrong with taking the time to put the credit card, change, or receipt in their designated place, and closing your wallet properly.
Do not feel pressured to just shove it all in your purse haphazardly because the impatient person behind you can’t wait an additional five seconds. And don’t even hesitate to ask for extra guacamole if you realize you forgot after you’ve already paid.
7. They are too agreeable
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You say pizza’s fine when you want sushi or anything but pizza. You agree to split dessert even though you’re trying to stay off sugar. They want blue curtains, you’re gunning for grey ones but give in because you don’t want to seem too needy.
This could go on forever until you’re married to the wrong person, living in a neighborhood you hate, and working a job completely unfit for you. Permit yourself to start small by agreeing not to compromise on some things, it will be healthier for you in the long run.
Licensed therapist Terry Gaspard recommended to "Remember to be honest about your own needs with intimate partners, family members, and friends. You are not obligated to meet the needs of others. That is their responsibility and only you know what's best for you. Practice being vulnerable in small steps and saying things like: 'I would like to help give you a ride to the airport but it will make me late for work — maybe next time.'"
8. They don't stand up for themselves
This can happen when you see you’re charged too much on your phone bill but don’t feel you have the right to question the phone company. Or you find some mysterious new fee tacked onto your latest dry-cleaning receipt. There's no shame in wanting answers on this stuff, so put the need to please aside and get to the bottom of it. Sadly, people will take advantage of people who are overly bend-over-backward kind.
9. They give money to charity when they can’t afford it
The person with the clipboard on the sidewalk asks you if you care. When you say yes (because you’re not a monster), they ask you to give money to some nonprofit. Yes, of course, you’d love to donate, but sometimes you just don’t have the funds. That doesn’t mean you can’t volunteer your time or contribute at some point in the future when your finances do allow for it.
Say you aren’t able to help at this time, wish them luck, and be on your way.
Mary Patterson Broome is a stand-up comedian and writer. She has been featured in The Washington Post, Women's Health Magazine, Mashed, It's a Southern Thing and more.