7 Signs Your New Partner Is On The Rebound And It's Going To End Badly (For You)
Research says rebounds are great for the brokenhearted, but maybe not so great for their new partner.
Media_Photos via Shutterstock Your first date was amazing until you find out they just got out of a long-term relationship — and you're their first date after their breakup. If red flags go up for you upon learning this, you're on the right track.
While data shows that rebound relationships can be great for the person who is on the rebound, . While it can feel thrilling, because not only is it a crush (which is always fun), your new crush may be self-medicating ... and you're more of a "treatment" than a romantic partner.
The problem is, that reality almost always comes crashing down.
Seven signs your partner is on the rebound and what to do next
1. They just broke up with someone else
This may seem like an obvious one, but when you're head over heels for someone new, it's not always so clear.
Falling in love takes time but so does falling out of love. If they're moving on too quickly and trying to speed up this process, they're only fooling themselves — and taking you along for a bumpy ride to Heartbreak City.
What to do: Take a step back. When, exactly did they break up? Get the details.
If it was recent — or if they've been hooking up or hanging out recently — end it.
You can consider keeping in touch with this person and maintaining a friendship or casual texting/DM relationship. And tell them why you're setting the boundary. You aren't playing a game here, you're trying to make a healthy choice and set a healthy boundary.
"Setting boundaries feels uncomfortable and intimidating," so psychologist Guy Winch recommended "Setting boundaries is a skill set that gets easier with practice but is never pleasant. Get support from someone who understands the context and can be there to debrief with you afterward to offer support and help keep you accountable during the maintenance phase."
When they seem like they've had enough time to recover, suggest going out again and giving it another try.
2. You're dating a serial monogamist
Romanchini via Shutterstock.com
If the person you're out with seems to have an extreme number of "serious" relationships, you may just have a serial monogamist on your hands. That means you may not be as special as they're telling you, you may just be "next."
What to do: If your new relationship is with a high-quality serial monogamist type, I say roll the dice and hope you’re the lucky one who gets the ring and the commitment. Let them wait until you know each other better, though.
3. They demand exclusivity right away
If your new relationship goes from one or two dates straight to the “Are we exclusive?” talk, things are moving way too fast. This is too fast even if it isn’t a rebound relationship!
What to do: This can be a serious red flag, so watch out for desperation or a controlling personality.
4. They love/hate their ex
If they still say they love their ex, then you have a problem. But watch for hate too — extreme emotions toward an ex can sign that your new crush is still heavily emotionally invested in a past relationship.
Intense anger or bitterness (or feeling all lovey-dovey) are signs that they haven’t emotionally moved on.
What to do: Expect to see shades of gray with all these emotions, but look for the predominant sentiment of "I don’t care what they’re doing anymore" — that's a good sign. What you want to see is indifference.
Don't be fooled — if you walk in and see the ex’s picture still prominently displayed on the bedside nightstand, they’re still in the picture. If you find the ex's clothes, toothbrushes, and toiletries in his apartment, just get out while you can. It's either a super-fresh breakup or they are still together.
5. They're too close with their ex
If they just broke up, your new crush should not still be hanging out with their ex. There are rules for staying friends with your ex, and most of the time it doesn't happen right away.
These rules also hold for texting, Snapchatting, and other various ways of connecting with exes.
It's not that exes can't (eventually) be "just friends", but if you’re the new person in the picture, you need reassurances that the old relationship is over.
What to do: When the relationship is over, the relationship status needs to change and the ex needs to be dropped (temporarily at least) from being their friend. If they can't do that, you should be on your way until they've truly moved on or at least have some distance.
6. You sense you're just a hookup
If your relationship is more about the physical and less about getting to know each other on a deeper, more emotional level, you’re probably just the convenient rebound hookup.
What to do: A real relationship requires both parties to open up to their deeper emotions and show vulnerability. And the vulnerable feeling I'm talking about here isn't about being available for any late-night "U up?" texts. You don't have to be a prude, you just need healthy boundaries that set you up for a real relationship.
Psychologist Margaret Paul explained, "Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, creativity, laughter, and joy. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness. Why, then, would someone pull away from love and have a fear of intimacy?
7. Their friends give you the shifty eye or seem to be trying to warn you
If, when you meet their friends, you can feel the tension and sense their discomfort, take that as a sign they're either still involved with their ex, or that the relationship isn't truly over. Friends know the history of their past relationships, and they know the relationship patterns that their friend usually defaults to. You can learn a lot from a person's friends!
What to do: Keep an eye on how they interact with you around them to make sure you're making the right move. If you hear something said in a "joking" tone about the recent breakup or your new crush's habit of rushing into things, take what they're saying seriously.
Prostock-studio
Do rebound relationships ever work?
The problem that many people have with rebound relationships is that they feel people would heal and recover from a breakup better on their own. People often report that with rebounds, emotions quickly grow intense, and they often become attached unnaturally — often placing the intimacy of the past relationship into the rebound.
It can feel thrilling, because not only is it a crush (which is always fun), but it also helps alleviate the pain of the previous loss which means your new crush may be self-medicating ... and you're more of a "treatment" than a romantic partner.
The problem is, that reality almost always comes crashing down.
You certainly don't want to be used as a replacement only to be discarded a few months down the road, so you do need to keep an eye out that someone you're dating is on the rebound, and maybe not ready for the type of relationship you're looking for.
Not all rebound relationships are destined to fail
The longitudinal study from Stanford University followed more than 3000 people and began in 2009. What's interesting, is that time seems to be the thing that determines any relationship's risk of ending. As in, the longer you're together, the less likely you are to break up.
In 2014, the researcher noted, "The longer a couple stays together, the more hurdles they cross together, the more time and effort they have jointly invested into the relationship, and the more bound together they are."
In other words, once you've been together for six or so months, you're no longer in a rebound relationship!
How long you're together matters — as does your outlook
Rebound or not, if you're already a year into your rebound, you're much less likely to break up than if you were just a few weeks or months in, so don't let all this rebound relationship doom and gloom scare you off too much!
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships followed people who had recently broken up, tracking those who got into new relationships quickly — the ones we could call rebound relationships.
The study found that those in rebound relationships reported that people who were single for a shorter amount of time after a breakup reported higher levels of well-being, self-esteem, and trust. That all seems good, right?
They also reported feeling more vengeful toward their ex and compared their new relationship with the old one more than people who were single for a longer amount of time (a.k.a. the non-rebounders). But, overall, the study found that rebound relationships weren't necessarily bad, and there were even good aspects to them.
Granted, their sample sizes were quite small, but it's worth noting that not all rebound relationships are doomed.
It's always worth paying attention to the signs and red flags that show up in a new relationship — and being on the rebound is just one of those. So open your eyes, be realistic, and set healthy boundaries. That's the best you can do, no matter what.
Joan Jerkovich is a Board Certified Life Coach, author, and podcast host.