6 Emotional Landmines That Turn Good Relationships Into Wreckage, According To Research
The easiest ways to ruin your chances at love is to step on one of these landmines.
VORONA | Canva When you are actually in a healthy relationship devoid of emotional landmines, you might get anxious and feel like you have to do anything you can to keep it. But often what you think you should do is what you need to stop doing if you want your relationship to last and stand the test of time.
Here are the emotional landmines that turn good relationships into wreckage:
1. Thinking it won't last
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Going into a relationship thinking it’s doomed means only one thing — it is. Every time things aren’t perfect you’ll feel validated. “See? I knew it. We didn’t have a chance.”
If you honestly believe relationships will never stand the test of time then the reality is you will sabotage each one to ensure that you are right.
You will test each partner to see how much of your bad behavior they can tolerate before finally leaving you as you yell, “I knew you’d never stay” to a slamming door. If this is you — don’t date until you’ve figured this out
2. Playing games
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You’re mad. Or sad. Or hurt. Your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” And you say, “Nothing.” Or yell about something else entirely later that evening. Stupid, childish, relationship-killing games.
Eventually, people keep score. Get even. Withdraw affection. Stop trying to even find an answer. Instead? Talk to each other. Explain. Listen. Find a solution.
Take hurt and anger out of the equation because they are two of the most manipulative, reactive, and dangerous emotions to use while trying to communicate respectfully.
Psychological games in relationships, often involving manipulation and control, can erode trust and intimacy, ultimately damaging the relationship. Research suggests that people play games to meet their needs, often at the expense of their partner's well-being, and these behaviors can lead to conflict and distance.
3. Thinking love is enough
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In the long run, couples who make it through the good and bad still caring for each other have more going for them than just love. They truly like their partner too. Liking can get you through a lot.
Love is about attraction, commitment, and attachment. But liking is about joy, respect, fun, and contentment. If you can look at your partner and say you genuinely like them, want to be with them and can be friends with them — then you’ve got something to hold on to.
Love alone may not be enough to sustain a healthy relationship. While caring deeply for someone is a wonderful feeling, it can also be complex, especially when other factors at play, like low self-esteem or dysfunctional communication, are involved. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, open communication, mutual effort, and willingness to address problems are crucial for a thriving relationship.
4. Being possessive
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If they truly can’t be trusted, then why would you date them in the first place? And if they are trustworthy but you have a problem because of past betrayals, then get your act together before you demolish someone else’s self-esteem with your insecurities and baggage.
The flip side? If you find yourself in a relationship where the other person is jealous and you are doing nothing to warrant it? Walk away fast.
Jealousy is not a sign of love — it’s possessive and demeaning. Long-lasting relationships are anchored in trust.
Jealousy can negatively impact relationships by fostering suspicion, insecurity, and unhealthy behaviors. A study published by The Open Psychology Journal explained that it ultimately erodes trust and potentially leads to conflict and even abuse. While some levels of jealousy might be a healthy indicator of care and commitment, excessive jealousy can be detrimental.
5. Settling for less than you deserve
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Relationships are based on equal balances of power. Meaning each brings some strengths to the table that the other one doesn’t have.
When you accept someone who doesn’t meet (or even come close) to what you want — you’re settling. And settling never made anyone happy long term. Successful couples last because they both respect the value and worth of the other.
6. Thinking you need someone else in order to be happy
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Go about your life. Stop waiting. Make friends. Be outstanding at work. Travel. Get in shape. Eat healthy. Be happy.
The kind of person you are looking for doesn’t want an unhappy, miserable, lonely, or desperate partner. The more you take care of yourself and become self-fulfilled the more people will want to be with you. Love you. Stay with you.
It’s time to stop some behaviors that create dysfunctional partnerships and start attracting people who love you and want to be with you for all the right reasons.
Relying on a relationship for happiness can harm the relationship and overall well-being. This can lead to unhealthy codependent behaviors, diminished self-esteem, and ultimately, a lack of fulfillment in both the relationship and individual life. Instead, one study recommended building a strong sense of self and finding happiness independently, which can foster healthier relationships built on mutual respect and admiration.
Connie Podesta is a therapist, expert in the psychology of human behavior, hall of fame keynote speaker, award-winning author, and comedienne.
