4 Reasons I'm A Woman Who Picks Up The Tab On Every First Date
The message is clear: I owe you nothing.
alvarostock | Canva In my late 20s, I started intensive therapy to tackle my fear of commitment. And because theory without action goes nowhere, I dated — a lot. I must have gone on a hundred first dates in three years. I don’t remember most of them, but I remember one thing.
After every single date, I picked up the tab. The entire thing. Yes, even if I had zero intention of seeing this man again. Especially if I had zero intention of seeing this man again. Before he’d reached for his wallet, my credit card was in the booklet, and the booklet was in the server’s hands. If the date sucked, the look of shock on his face was usually the silver lining.
“Why did you do that?” the man would often ask, the same incredulity in his voice as if I’d stuck my hand into a bucket of piranhas. My single female friends also wanted to know why I insisted on paying, but once I explained my reasons, most women understood. A few of them adopted the habit themselves — or, at the very least, started going Dutch.
Here are 4 reasons why I'm a woman who picks up the tab on every first date:
1. It shows I'm serious about feminism
“Feminism isn’t about equality,” some men will argue. “If you want equality, open your doors, approach guys in public, get drafted, and pay for dates.”
- Do men assume we stand in front of closed doors, flailing our arms like Sims stuck in a room? Somehow, even as a weak, fragile woman with the hollow bones of a bird, I manage to open every door I encounter. Then I hold it open for any person of any gender who’s behind me because I learned manners.
- I have approached guys in public — several times. Once, after a cute man made small talk with me at the mechanic, I went to my car, wrote my number on a slip of paper, went back in, and asked him if he was single. He wasn’t; he was “flattered, but married.” And since women typically respect that no means no, as a 2023 study found, I thanked him for his transparency, crumpled the paper, and left. It’s that simple, guys.
- Research from a 2016 American Psychological Association analysis shows that female politicians are more collaborative and empathetic than male politicians, who are more aggressive, overconfident, and likely to attack before adequately communicating. In other words, drafts are a product of the patriarchy. Most feminists don’t want to go to war — and we don’t want men to go to war, either.
- Done. Now that we’re “equal,” can we talk about the DOJ Bureau of Justice Statistics report on how a woman in the United States gets sexually assaulted every 68 seconds?
2. It ensures I don't owe anyone anything
In an ideal world, a first date would be a pressure-free environment to get to know someone. In this world, it’s often a transaction: You convince me to meet you, I make myself look pretty, you pay for me, and I get undressed at some point shortly.
Covering the whole bill is a privilege some can’t afford — but for me, it was worth every penny. It ended said transaction then and there. “I owe you nothing,” my actions said. “Whatever happens from here on out is my prerogative, and I will feel no guilt, obligation, or pressure.”
Is it ridiculous we live in a society in which a woman needs to pay for a cheeseburger to maintain autonomy over her body? You bet — but as someone who’s endured sexual assault for less, I wasn’t taking any chances.
Vitaly Gariev | Pexels
3. It proves I don't need a man
When I re-entered the dating game intent on finding a partner, I’d already bought a house. I’d started a business that pulled in six figures. I’d long since decided I didn’t want kids.
I refused to settle because of money, desperation to escape a living situation, or my ticking biological clock. And I sure wasn’t going to end up like my mom’s friends and my friend’s moms, who found themselves divorced at 50 with no money of their own and a decades-long gap on their resumes.
I refused to hand my power over to a man. If I chose to date someone, it wasn’t because I needed to. It was because I wanted to. The men who got a second date were the men who I genuinely felt would be an emotional asset to my already full life.
Song_about_summer | Shutterstock
4. It tells me so much about the guy sitting across from me
If you want to know whether a man struggles with fragile masculinity, grab the bill before he can. The red flags will rocket out of him like fireworks.
Some men criticize women for being gold-diggers — but in actuality, ample guys find it psychologically distressing when their wives earn more than them, as a 2019 study from the Society for Personality and Social Psychology found.
Money equals power and power equals dominance. If men fear, deep down, that they’re not good enough to keep a woman, that dominance serves as a safety net. Or, more accurately, a cage. As soon as a guy freaked out and insisted that he absolutely had to pay because he was the man, I knew his outdated, misogynistic beliefs wouldn’t mesh well with my lifestyle.
The opposite reaction was equally as telling. A few guys leaned back in their chairs, crossed their arms, and said something to the effect of: “It’s about time you women started paying for dates.”
Pro tip: That sense of entitlement and resentment typically indicates that someone’s looking for a mother, not a partner. As for the guy I ended up with? He cocked an eyebrow and asked if I was sure. When I nodded, he told me, “Thanks so much. I appreciate it.” Then he said, “The next one’s on me.”
Smooth, secure, sincere, and considerate. Again, you’d think it was simple — but it still took me a hundred and one dates to find him.
Maria Cassano is a writer, editor, and journalist whose work has appeared on NBC, Bustle, CNN, The Daily Beast, Food & Wine, and Allure, among others. She's in the process of publishing her memoir, which you can learn more about here.