10 Painfully Awful Things Men Do On Dates That Turn Women Off
Behave in a more empowering way and have better dates.
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock Since I returned to the dating scene, I have become even more aware of how men behave around women. Here is what I've observed while going out and working with clients. Is there anything you recognize? Don't beat yourself up!
Here are 10 tiny things men do on dates that turn women off.
1. Over-talking
Most men approach ladies thinking they must lead the conversation, keep them entertained, and impress them. Once they are asked something and aim to look interesting, they respond with countless details. They think more is better.
How she may feel: She will be loaded with too much information, impatiently wait to be asked about something or get her turn to express her opinion and when it doesn't happen, she'll kindly excuse herself to get a glass of water and some fresh air to ease her growing headache.
What to do instead: Enough talking, let her speak equally as much.
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2. Not listening
This is directly connected to the previous one. And yet, some men don't even speak much. It looks like they are listening but, as soon as women check with them, they realize they haven't been listening. They have either been busy with how to reply and offer their opinion, wondering whether she likes him, or got distracted.
How she may feel: Women often talk not for advice, but to share their ideas and feelings. It's a way to bond. It's mostly not about the solution, it's about the verbal expression of what's in their minds as a way to feel safe. When women don't feel heard, they get disconnected and may feel unsafe.
What to do instead: Get present and stay present. If you go into solution mode, take a deep breath and listen to her words. If you are unsure if she wants listening or advice, ask her.
3. The cold approach
You come from behind, her side, or even the front and bravely greet her with your most charming smile.
How she may feel: Startled. She wonders who the heck you are and what you want from her. She will be in defense mode and likely respond annoyed.
What to do instead: The next time you see a woman you like, look at her and catch her gaze. Don't be a creep, and don't scare her by coming out of nowhere. If she looks back and then away (if she's interested, she will likely look away to the ground or a side) and again back to you, you can go. Eye contact before the approach will make her feel much safer and will avoid unpleasant rejections.
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4. No eye contact
This takes us to the next point. When you are having a conversation with a lady and you can't hold her gaze, but you watch around, look down to the floor or around you, play with your phone, nervously trying to keep your eyes away from her cleavage — you know what I mean.
How she may feel: She might think that you are not so into her, that you are very insecure, or that all you want is to get her into your bedroom as soon as possible. If she takes the first opportunity to leave the conversation, you will know why.
What to do instead: I know how insecure and nervous you may feel sometimes. However, there's nothing more attractive than a warm gaze and smile. Learn to be present and relaxed in your own body. Watch a woman deep into her eyes, switch from one eye to the other, and focus on her. This will create a much deeper connection.
5. Delaying touch
Physical closeness depends on the people involved, their cultural background, and the environment. Many men will avoid touching a woman for way too long. They might go out with her on several dates before touching her hand, especially if they are really into her. So, there is no surprise she is challenged as to whether he likes her.
How she may feel: Even though women don't want to feel objectified, we still like feeling warmth and closeness through a love interest's gestures. If you aren't touching her hand or arm, helping her with her coat, or gently moving her hair from her face, something is missing. Women need to feel safe to get intimate with a man and this often happens slowly, not after a few dates when the man hasn't even held her hand yet but suddenly wants to kiss her.
What to do instead: If you like her, establish a progressively closer physical connection. Start with what feels OK at the moment. Like touching her hand or arm, sitting close to her, hugging her when you meet her, and so on. See how you feel when you behave this way and how she responds.
6. Not flirting
What does it mean to flirt? The word is used to imply nonserious intentions in an interaction, therefore it usually has a negative connotation. However, think about it: when you first meet someone, how can you be serious about it? In the beginning, it's all about being light and seeing how you feel in each other's presence. So many men have no clue how to flirt and be light. Instead, they dwell in their heads, transforming the dating phase into an exhausting strategy. No surprise it gets so stressful!
How she may feel: Most women don't want to see all your achievements listed on your CV. They want to feel good around you. If you are trying too hard, they will sense it and soon get tired of it.
What to do instead: What if dating wasn't hard work? What if it wasn't about getting her into bed, convincing her that you are a good catch, or finding the love of your life? What if it was a way to get to know someone, connect, and see what happens? Nothing more than that. Just connecting and enjoying. At least in the first phase, you can allow yourself much more lightness!
7. Negative self-talk
What do you say about yourself? Think about it, when you first meet someone new and they introduce themselves with all their don'ts — I don't like my job, I don't have a partner, I don't have friends, I'm not particularly skilled and so on — do you feel like you'd like to meet them again? You probably don't.
How she may feel: If a woman is faced with all your negative qualities first, it's hard to think she will want to have more of it. She will think you aren't much more than your don'ts and stay away.
What to do instead: We all have emotional baggage, flaws, and weird habits. However, connect first and let a woman see your good side so she will also accept the bad one.
8. Being the know-it-all
How do you respond to others' opinions? I love observing people and it often happens to me to be somewhere close to couples talking. I find it easy to understand when it's the first date. Way too often, men tend to correct women. "Yes, but..." are some of the words I hear.
How she may feel: She will feel like she is in a verbal struggle. She might also think you believe she's stupid or incompetent. She will wonder whether she's back in school or on a date. The conversation will lose its flow and ease.
What to do instead: Relax, dude! It's not about who's right and who's wrong! Even if she's absolutely convinced the Earth is flat, well, it's not your job to show her the truth. Unless you can do it in a kind and reassuring way, leave the concept of right and wrong at home.
9. Not taking the lead
How do you feel when you wait for a woman to call? When you ask her what she'd like to do on your first date? Most men behave this way not because of modern times when it's okay for women to ask guys out and pay for themselves, but rather because they are coming from fear. They don't want to give too much, show their interest, take responsibility.
How she may feel: These times women have become independent. If men are not taking the lead, women will. This causes women to act "like the man," feel like they can't rely on him, and get to an unbalanced energy in the interaction.
What to do instead: Despite gender equality, most women still prefer men who take the lead. Leading has nothing to do with being arrogant or undervaluing women. So be brave and decide where to take her for your date. She's more interested in how she feels around you than what you will do. And even though I may sound old-fashioned, pick up that check and pay! There will be time to go Dutch. Show her you can take care of her on the first date.
10. Neglecting your health and appearance
It's OK to be sloppy sometimes and not smell fresh after a whole day at work and after a workout. But guys, get into the shower before meeting a girl or going out with your friends! Find your style, whether it's about hipster glasses, a silk tie, or a simple T-shirt. The way you dress and present yourself is the first thing others notice. What would you think if she met you in her yoga pants and greasy hair? Also, if you are not satisfied with your appearance, why should she be?
How she may feel: Your appearance tells a lot about you — about how you take care of yourself and how much you like yourself. She might not want to be around you much if you don't smell good, wear dirty clothes, and keep forgetting to brush your teeth. Being fit is not about being perfect and looking like a model. It's basic self-care. Most women are not after perfect biceps, they are attracted to a healthy and conscious lifestyle.
What to do instead: Shower. Get a haircut. Go to the dentist. Get a few new outfits that will make you feel good about yourself. Find any physical activity you enjoy, create a weekly routine, and stick to it.
I bet you have way more fun around ladies when you are feeling confident, well-groomed, relaxed, and positive. Being authentic means to be who you want to be, that is your best self. And that's a choice.
Claudia Ferretti is a dating coach whose mission is to go beyond the confusion that's making dating so hard nowadays and help feminine women and masculine men find each other.