10 Wildly Unrealistic Expectations That Even The Strongest Marriages Can’t Handle, According To Research
Reduce the expanse of expectations between you and your spouse.
Kaboompics.com | Pexels It's natural to grow up with certain relationship expectations of what our loving partner will do and be. Unfortunately, many of these expectations do not meet reality.
As much as typical gender stereotype expectations have evolved, we still may bring some unconscious hangovers into a romantic relationship. The best thing to do is to make these expectations conscious so you can talk about them, deal with them, and come to some compromises about them.
Here are 10 wildly unrealistic expectations that even the strongest marriages can’t handle, according to research:
1. You expect to be intimate every night
This is a big issue. People have different expectations about what their intimate life will look like once they're married.
If you're physically intimate every night at the beginning of the relationship, but after your marriage night, you or your spouse is not so interested, someone may feel cheated, and that’s how resentment begins.
2. You expect each other to express love in the same way
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You also may have expectations about what love should look like, which may differ strongly from your partner’s. If your husband expects you to reach out, hug him, and kiss him throughout the day, but you’re not touchy-feely, how's that going to go over?
What if your expectation of real love is your husband will give you gifts every day? You need to address what love is to each of you and make sure you both understand what the other needs to feel loved, as suggested by research in Communication Reports.
3. You prioritize friends and family over your relationship
Once you got married, did you put all your friends and family into a big pot and stir them all together to form a whole new conglomeration of everybody? No? A study in the Journal of Family Psychology showed how this situation isn't likely to work.
If you assumed you would start spending holidays at your family's house because it's tradition, but your spouse thought the same about his side, what's a gal to do? And if your husband has always included friends in his big decisions, but you don’t want them inside your business, how’s that going to play out?
4. You assume your spouse will take care of gendered chores
Maybe for your husband, growing up, he always saw his mother doing the vacuuming, the dusting, and the dishes. An article in the Journal of Marriage and Family explored how parental attitudes and behaviors on children's attitudes toward gender and household labor influenced what they think their marriage will look like.
Are you going to expect him to be the one to pay the bills or fix the leaking roof because that’s what your father did?
Don't assume these cultural expectations aren’t at work without you realizing it. Figure out a fair and equitable way to break up all the chores and responsibilities that need to be managed.
5. You think your idea of free time needs to match theirs
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If you like to spend Friday nights at the karaoke bar with your girlfriends, but your husband thinks that should be couples’ night, friction will ensue.
What about the simpler, everyday free time you find yourselves with — do you expect summer Sundays to be spent taking the kids to a museum or on another adventure, but your spouse wants Sunday as a do-nothing day?
You’ve got to make it clear what you need for yourself and make sure your mate has their own time and space, too.
6. You believe your spending habits are faultless
A study in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues showed money is a sensitive topic for just about everyone. You’ve spent a lot of time figuring out how much you allow yourself to splurge on fun things, how much you think you need for the essentials, and what you would do if you inherited money.
But have you ever sat down and laid out on the table what those spending practices are and why you believe in them? It may take some digging to figure out what your expectations are in life, but you would do well to set time aside with your husband to figure out what you both think.
7. You expect one parent to handle most of the work with the kids
Do you expect both parents to share the load of child-rearing? If both parents are working jobs outside the home, there's going to need to be an understanding of who will do what.
Be sure you find out if your spouse has hidden expectations that, because you're the mom, you will just naturally do all the kid stuff. That's not the way it works nowadays, as explained in an American Psychological Association study on parental responsibilities and gender equality.
8. You expect to retire in your dream place
This is a topic many couples don’t like to think about.
Do you see yourself retiring by the beach while your spouse plans to follow your children around the country wherever they move? Or, maybe some land in Brazil your guy always likes to dream about owning?
You might want to ask if he’s serious. Because if he’s got a long-term retirement dream that you’re not on board with, better to deal with it sooner than later.
9. You assume your way of communicating is the best
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An article in the Journal of Personal Relationships demonstrated that communication patterns are key to exploring your expectations, but sometimes, people can’t even agree on how to talk. Some folks like to stick to one subject and take structured turns, while others may like it to be more free-flowing.
You’ve got to be clear with how you expect discussions to go. Otherwise, you may end up derailing all your talks into an argument about who is or isn’t following the talking rules.
10. You don't compromise
Question your expectations. Are they fair to have in the real-life situation that you're in? Discuss with your mate your expectations and theirs. This will help you guys to understand what you can and cannot change, and discover ways to compromise in a way that benefits both partners, as supported by a study in the American Journal of Family Therapy.
While in many cases we may be disappointed by expectations that are not met, take a look at the ways that your spouse is fulfilling other expectations even more than what you had dreamed.
See what ways you might be able to step up to the plate to meet some of his expectations and vice versa. Because that’s what love is all about — making things work together in a conscious, realistic, and equitable way.
Sheila Hageman is a writer who has appeared on The Today Show, ABC News, NBC News, and programs with Bill Cunningham and Anderson Cooper. Her writing has been featured in Salon, Mamalode, Mom Babble, and The Huffington Post.