4 Housework Rules That Can Almost Guarantee You'll Never Fight About Chores Again
Yes, you can keep the peace and a clean house without sacrificing yourself.
Drazen Zigic via Shutterstock The management of chores and housekeeping can easily become a source of conflict and discomfort in a committed relationship — who does which tasks, who pays for what, and how this is negotiated become the central focus in many long-term and cohabitating couples. It also drives them apart. This tension tends to multiply when a couple has kids.
It doesn't have to be this way. Couples who never fight over chores make a point to follow a few rules to stay connected. After all, taking time each day to focus your attention and energy on the relationship can help you refocus your priorities — together.
Four housework rules followed by couples who never fight about chores
1. They connect first
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Connect first with physical contact before attending to chores. This can be a hug, kiss, or a hand squeeze as you pass by. This theory is old-school wisdom, but it's also supported by a study reported in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
The answer is simple: Stop before each of the necessary tasks and connect in simple ways to let your partner know you love them and are in this chaos together.
This can be a brief hug, a wink across the room, or taking the time to put on music you know your partner will enjoy. An act of care for your partner lets them know you are thinking of them and helps increase positivity in the space you share.
2. They take one for the team
Offer to do the task your partner dislikes the most so that they feel loved and cared for. In turn, they will likely do the same for you.
Caring for your partner also has a positive effect on you, as relationship coach Debra Smouse explained, "There is joy in kindness. There is a sense of pride in acts of caring. Small gestures of affection remind me that I'm an active contributor to the overall health of our relationship. Those love nuggets I generously sprinkle in [my partner's] life return to me tenfold in my own sense of satisfaction in my daily life."
3. They consciously create rewards for themselves
Suggest an activity to do together after completing the chores, to create a reward and ensure that you set aside time for each other. This can be something private between the two of you, or it can be a family activity. It can even be hiring a babysitter so each of you can go have do something separately!
4. They say 'thank you' every single time
Show appreciation for the things you see your partner do. Focus on the effort, not simply the result. You can also acknowledge how hard or annoying s a task was.
A simple and easy example might be something like, "Thank you for figuring out what was wrong with the diaper pail. I know that was gross, and I really appreciate that you took it on."
You can get it all done — if you do it together.
According to love expert Esther Perel, "It’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern." Getting things done together helps lift so many of those concerns.
It can be tempting to give up on chores altogether when every discussion ends in a fight. You take them all on yourself or you just let the messes pile up. But you can negotiate housework without fights or giving in to living in squalor, avoiding the bills or neglecting the children.
These are simple ways to begin the practice of making the health of your relationship the foundation for your home. There are more complex situations at play when managing a household and family to identify old patterns and assumptions and develop working solutions for these challenges.
Couples in healthy relationships take the time to play with different approaches and experience responses to get a deeper understanding and connection with each other.
When you discover household things that need doing are simply ways to take care of one another, you'll be able to prioritize and maintain your connection as a couple.
Carolyn Sharp is a couples therapist with over 20 years of experience supporting healthy connected relationships.