Why I Told My Employee I Loved Him — 'I Utilized A Parenting Strategy To Manage My Staff'
The surprising experience revealed why I was a successful leader.
stockfour | Canva It was a random Tuesday evening, and I was getting ready to head home for the day. I stopped at the front desk to chat with James, a massage therapist I’d been managing for years, about a situation he was dealing with. We continued to talk as our front office coordinator pulled charts for the following day.
As we wrapped things up, I turned to leave and said, “Have a great night, James. Love you.”
Yes, I told my employee I loved him.
My hand flew to my mouth, and I stopped walking, slowly turning all the way around to face him. He had a smile on his face, and before I figured out what to say, James replied, “Love you too, Boss.”
Embarrassed, I stammered and stuttered before saying, “I have no idea why I said that. I apologize.” James waved me off, and I turned to leave, feeling uncomfortable. On the way home, I tried to process why those words passed by my lips unabated, and what I discovered surprised me.
When I first started working at South Sound Therapy, I was the marketing director. I enjoyed meeting with local doctors, setting up lunch and learns, and creating patient appreciation events. About a year into my job, the local physical therapist who owned just short of half the company sold his stake to his business partners in North Seattle (about two hours away).
The shake-up was significant as many of the staff had no idea our owner had business partners. When our leader departed, none of us knew what was going to happen or who our new bosses would be.
One of the physical therapists and a senior front office coordinator were promoted and were tasked with managing five clinics and their respective staff. Unfortunately, the PT was too busy seeing patients to give much oversight, and the former front office lead exhibited a healthy lust for power, which caused morale to plummet.
When Peggy was fired, I was asked to act as a liaison between the staff and the management team. Part of my marketing job involved working closely with our therapy staff, so I knew almost everyone in the company well.
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Moving into a new role without a title change was tricky, so I decided to do whatever I could to raise morale.
I bought lunch for each clinic once per month and arrived on Friday mornings with coffee and pastries. I also made it a point to ask the therapy staff what they needed to make their jobs more satisfying.
At first, they were reluctant to share, but eventually, they opened up to me. Whenever a therapist shared something that was within my power — and company credit card limit — to fix, I took care of it.
The results were remarkable. Morale began to rise, and our profits improved significantly as therapists began hitting their metrics. Soon, our owner was calling to tell me to keep doing whatever I was doing because he loved what he was seeing.
As things stabilized, I worked closely with Jason, the PT manager, to handle some of the tasks he didn’t have time for. Several months later, Jason opened a clinic of his own about twenty miles away, and I was asked to take on a regional management role.
While it may be cliché to say, that job was life-changing for me. Not only did it allow me to support myself and my kids as a new single mother, it allowed me to bring my strengths to the table and experience success in a way I never had before.
In my tenure as a business manager, we grew from five clinics to eight and became the leading therapy provider in our region. I had a loyal staff and therapists who wanted to experience what we could offer them.
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Though I excelled, I didn’t know the secret to my success until that random Tuesday when I told one of my employees that I loved him.
Research referenced in a 2023 article published by the American Psychological Association consistently highlights that excelling in leadership involves traits like adaptability, strong communication skills, strategic thinking, building trust, fostering employee engagement, empowering others, and demonstrating ethical behavior. Key studies focused on areas like transformational leadership, servant leadership, and situational leadership, depending on the context and situation.
Driving the twenty-five minutes home from work that evening, I played that scene over and over in my mind, each time feeling more and more embarrassed.
What was it that caused me to say something like that? Then, it hit me. When I stepped into my leadership role, I utilized my parenting strategy to manage the staff. As strange as it may sound, I didn’t realize what I was doing or that it was the key to my success.
Now that I’ve had the opportunity to read numerous leadership books and give presentations on how to manage staff effectively, I know that my parenting strategy was highly effective in creating solid staff engagement.
Essentially, I held three values in my parenting and leadership roles. The first value was to say yes whenever I didn’t have a good reason to say no. And if I wasn’t sure at the moment if what I was being asked was okay, I deferred my answer for an hour so I could think about it.
The second value I held was empowering our staff to find success and independence while assuring them they were a part of something greater than themselves. When people are empowered to do their jobs, they tend to be more successful and engaged, and I certainly saw that with my staff.
Lastly, I valued the happiness of my staff over and above the company. This value was the key to seeing our staff thrive. And if they didn’t thrive, I did everything I could to help them find where they could be successful, even if it meant losing them to a different job.
If you asked my adult children today about my parenting, they would each tell you that I loved them no matter what they did and that I wanted them to be happy.
Parents in today’s fast-paced disorienting world can easily lose track of who they are and what matters most. But it doesn’t have to be this way, according to Wharton professor Stew Friedman and co-author Alyssa Westring.
They say parents can harness the powerful science of leadership to thrive in all aspects of their lives. Friedman stated in an interview for the University of Pennsylvania's Penn Today that parents naturally put leadership skills into practice all the time, trying to motivate children to do any given task at home or school, for example, or to help them overcome fears of trying something new.
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I trained my children to be independent with a backdrop of unconditional love and support. I made sure they knew their happiness mattered to me.
When I realized I had extended those values to my seventy staff members, I understood why I told James I loved him at the end of our chat. At that moment, I wasn’t just James’s boss; I authentically cared about his happiness.
I was so focused on the things he was sharing with me and on making sure he felt valued that I spoke the words that represented that desire. James shared with me the next day that he didn’t think what happened was weird and went on to say that he considered his work colleagues his family.
While I’m grateful that my casual expression of love didn’t weird James out, I was a bit more aware of myself in future conversations with staff members, hoping I wouldn’t be quite so free with my words.
As I reflect on my career, I see that my leadership style would best be described as servant leadership. My focus was on serving my staff, leading with empathy, and prioritizing my employees’ happiness and needs.
Essentially, I valued people over profits, which helped me create a thriving and engaged team of people who were willing to work hard to see the company — and themselves — succeed.
I’m so grateful I had the opportunity to work in a position that allowed me to express my values daily. If I could give any piece of advice to leaders and managers, it would be to value your staff in tangible ways, which then empowers them to be their best.
Kim Kelly (she/her) is a writer and speaker who writes about authenticity, retirement, relationships, and life on the road.