The Death Of A Friend Helped Me Determine What I Value Most In Retirement

You and I have something in common: we have no idea how long we’ll be on this earth. In October 2019, a close colleague of mine died of a heart attack while at work sitting at his desk, and it deeply impacted me. He was only fifty-one years old, and like me, he loved and excelled at his job.

Scott’s death shook me to my core, and through that shaking, a crystal clear reality seeped into my being. The best parts of me were being given to those I worked with. Caring for a staff of about seventy and managing eight physical therapy clinics had become my priority.

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The alarming thing I learned was that I didn’t love my job enough to have a heart attack at my desk. 

This reality was one of the key things that fueled my decision to retire early, just a year and a half later. If you’ve had someone close to you die suddenly, then you know the feelings and thoughts that swirled through my mind and emotions. Experiences like these cause us to question our mortality and how we want to spend the rest of our lives.

In this one precious life, we have the privilege to live, I do not want to do it in survival or subsistence mode. I have no desire to watch the years slide by without investing in the things and people I value most.

I want to live my life, not just survive it. For me, retiring meant opening the door to possibility. Instead of retirement being a departure from the stressful world of healthcare management, I viewed it as a cosmic reset button.

Many of the retirees I’ve interacted with have struggled in retirement because they viewed it solely as an act of stepping away from their careers. Once they arrived in the “promised land” of retirement, they found themselves bewildered and exhausted, with no idea what to do next.

Findings of a longitudinal study revealed that in addition to financial, physical, and social resources that have often been emphasized in past research, mental resources also play an important role in positive adjustment to retirement. For me, retirement wasn’t a ‘leaving my job’ event. Instead, I celebrated it as the arrival of creativity, expansion, and fulfillment. 

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Retiring was like being allowed to reorient my life at sixty-two, and that was a thrilling proposition.

What I didn’t expect, though, was that I’d unknowingly slip into a second career. A career that occupied most of my time and energy and landed me right back where I was previously (but without the healthcare benefits and performance bonuses to go with it).

When I retired three years ago, one of the things I looked forward to the most was having the energy to pursue my latent writing passion. The allure of being free from my career’s stress and time constraints called to me like the siren’s song drawing ships into a harbor.

And that harbor didn’t disappoint. After selling our home and buying a 21-foot trailer, we hit the road and have had some fantastic experiences. From observing bull elk bugling and fighting at dawn to visiting many breathtaking National Parks, we’ve been living our dream.

However, as the months rushed by, we traveled less, deciding to split most of our time between Washington State and Florida, where we had the pleasure of living with some great friends for several months each year.

This past winter, it dawned on us that we’d unwittingly established a stable, predictable routine for ourselves. Though we weren’t dissatisfied with how things were, we weren’t entirely happy either. I spent my days writing and editing while my wife worked part-time at a high-end outdoor clothing store and cooked for the household.

We began feeling discontented and a bit stagnant, which made us question whether we needed to chart a new course. When we made our way back to Washington State in May, we quickly decided a radical change was in order, and five days later, we moved into a 55+ apartment community.

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As we settled into our new living situation, we continued to dialogue about how we wanted to spend our retirement years.

I’m grateful to be married to a partner who values tough questions and authentic answers.  We trust each other enough to be honest about our desires, even if it might be challenging for the other person to hear. 

We talked transparently about our hopes and fears and whether we were settling for a practical and predictable existence to ensure that our retirement savings would last as long as we did. While evaluating our current mindset, I realized we were safeguarding our investments rather than experiencing the joy of retirement.

Instantly, I was transported back to October 2019, when I received the call telling me my friend Scott had left this earth. A few days after his death, in a conversation with Scott’s husband, I heard about the incredible retirement plans they created together — plans that Scott never enjoyed.

Thinking about losing Scott with a fresh perspective gave me pause. There were questions I needed to answer to ensure that my focus was on enjoying the time I had left for as long as my health allowed: How do I want to live the rest of my life? What do I value, and how will those values be expressed? I have pondered these questions for the past few weeks. Do I esteem safety and predictability above all else? Should we let our fear of outliving our money dictate our decisions? Will we be disappointed by our choices at the end of our lives?

Are we willing to take some risks to fulfill the things I dream about? There were so many questions to consider. As we answered them, a curious thing happened.

Talking through our hopes and anxieties about the rest of our retirement acted much like breathing oxygen into the dying embers of a campfire. That breath fueled the flames of dormant dreams, and our retirement fire crackled and snapped with spontaneity and anticipation.

Retirement is a major life event, and a positive adjustment is essential for maintaining physical and psychological well-being in later life. The Health and Retirement Survey conducted in the United States revealed that roughly one in four retirees experience a decline in psychological well-being 1-year after retirement.

Compelled by the excitement of the moment, we said things like, “We need to take that trip to Europe instead of just talking about doing it,” and, “We should go to more Seattle Storm basketball games and get good seats so we can be close to the action.”

I’m a big believer that our words have the power to manifest our desires. Two weeks after the above conversation, a friend messaged me to say a spot at an upcoming writer’s retreat in Florence, Italy, opened up. I’ve been dreaming of attending this annual retreat for over a year.

Italy is also home to the beautiful Dolomite Mountains. My wife has been talking about her desire to experience hiking the Dolomites for a decade. It took only twenty-four hours for us to agree to head to Italy in October, and we couldn’t be more excited about it. When we live our lives according to our values, we experience deep satisfaction. 

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As we age, we must observe ourselves vigilantly because it’s easy to press cruise control and miss what’s passing us.

For some, happiness will be found in enjoying a cozy home in a beautiful neighborhood and living a predictable life. For others, it might be working into their seventies or joining a country club and playing golf or pickleball daily with friends.

My wife and I are fortunate to thrive in an environment of change and risk, unencumbered by a more traditional life of owning a home and staying in one place. It isn’t the right choice for most people, but it is for us.

True freedom comes when we permit ourselves to live our lives following our values. However you choose to live your remaining days, I hope your path is filled with joy and purpose.