10 Down-To-Earth Ways To Rescue A Fading Marriage, According To Research
These practical tips can breathe new life into a struggling marriage.
Fleur Kaan | Unsplash One of the main things I have learned about marriage is to make it a priority and to focus more on my husband’s attributes rather than his flaws. Additionally, I am convinced that committing to love each other despite our differences is crucial to long-lasting love.
Another important principle that has helped strengthen my marriage is putting some rituals in place that are non-intimate but keep the passion between us alive.
Author Zach Brittle, a certified Gottman Institute therapist, informs us that “Rituals also help ensure that your relationship is unique.” He posits that some couples might question the value of this but that agreeing to uphold a ritual can inject fun into your marriage even if one or both partners don’t feel in the mood to connect due to their busy schedules.
Keeping emotional love alive in marriage, according to relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman, makes life more enjoyable and is a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. But how do you restore the spark that once existed with your spouse?
Here are down-to-earth ways to rescue a fading marriage:
1. Turn toward your spouse rather than turning away
According to renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a tendency to turn toward your partner when they make a bid for connection means you are good at listening and showing empathy. It’s the foundation of love and intimacy in a marriage. “Turning Away” (ignoring) and “Turning Against” (being defensive or shutting down) breed disconnection and resentment.
2. Nurture fondness and admiration
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Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities — even as you accept that they have flaws. Express your positive feelings and/or compliments out loud several times each day.
Research, particularly by Gottman, emphasizes that nurturing fondness and admiration is crucial for a healthy and lasting marriage. They serve as a buffer against conflict and foster a positive relationship dynamic.
3. Search for common ground
Ask yourself: would I rather be “right” or be happy? Listen to your spouse’s side of the story and strive to understand his or her perspective.
Actively seeking common ground during disagreements, focusing on understanding each other's perspectives, and practicing conflict-resolution strategies can strengthen marriages by fostering empathy and communication. Instead of viewing conflict as inherently destructive, research suggests that healthy conflict can maintain a relationship by providing opportunities for deeper understanding and connection.
4. Be vulnerable
Real intimacy requires that you be authentic even if it feels scary. The next time you are tempted to shut down or be defensive explore the emotions coming up for you and share them with your spouse. Accept that he or she may not be able to respond in a way that is nurturing in that moment and try to let go of your expectations for a loving response (it may come later.)
5. Establish open-ended dialogue
Don’t be surprised if some of your discussions are heated — especially around hot-button issues such as money, chores, vacations, in-laws, etc. The key to a successful marriage is knowing when to let “hot-button” issues go and being able to take a break when you feel flooded.
Establishing open and honest communication, including open-ended dialogue about concerns, is crucial for a healthy and thriving marriage. Research concluded by the Gottman Institute concluded that it fosters trust, emotional intimacy, and problem-solving skills.
6. Repair your relationship after conflicts arise
Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy your relationship. Experiencing conflict is inevitable and couples who strive to avoid it are at risk of developing stagnant relationships. John Gottman discovered in his 40 years of research that 69% of conflicts don’t get resolved but can be managed successfully. Learning ways to get back on track after a disagreement will boost your passion and strengthen your marriage.
7. Spend time with your partner in new ways
For instance, changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor to diffuse tension, or offering your partner signs of appreciation such as “I love it when you massage my neck.” It doesn’t need to be more than a few minutes, but it is worth it in the investment of your relationship.
Research suggests that intentional, quality time together, including new activities and experiences, can strengthen marriages by fostering closeness, communication, and emotional intimacy. This ultimately leads to higher relationship satisfaction and stability.
8. Take an annual child-free vacation together
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If you have a tight budget, try camping or plan a weekend getaway at a resort near your home.
9. Practice physical reconnection
When you give an intimate kiss, it is not just the meeting of your lips. It usually involves touching some other part of your body, i.e., hand on cheek, hand on hair, and embrace, etc. Having an additional point of physical contact during a kiss with your partner creates a deeper sense of intimacy.
10. Increase physical affection
Hold hands with your partner, give them a massage, and demonstrate your love through touch. According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel-good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and causes a calming sensation.
Physical affection also reduces stress hormones— lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol. The best way to keep your marriage fulfilling and passionate is to establish rituals to enhance your profound love and intimacy as a couple.
A good marriage requires vulnerability to thrive. Responding positively to your partner’s bids for connection will help you bring out the best in one another.
The good news is that there are some things you can do to restore the spark that you once had as a couple. In fact, Dr. John Gottman explains: “Couples who 'know each other intimately [and] are well-versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams' are couples who make it.”
Even if you are not an affectionate person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
Terry Gaspard MSW, LICSW is a therapist, author, and college instructor. She has been featured in Huffington Post, The Thought Catalog, The Gottman Institute Relationship Blog, Divorced Moms, Divorce Magazine, and more.
