5 Ways To Get A Man To Do Whatever You Ask, According To Psychology
Learning to effectively ask for, and know what you want in a relationship is the key to success.
FatCamera | Canva There is nothing that can impact our lives more than when we are functioning at our best in our lives and in our relationships. It impacts our overall happiness, the way we go about our jobs and all areas of our lives. But how do we do it? How do we get to the point where we are at our best and helping our partners be their best as well?
Here are five ways to get a man to do whatever you ask:
1. Always tell him when he's doing something that makes you happy
Most of us make it a habit to tell our partners when they are doing something we are not pleased with, in hopes that they will learn from this information and stop doing that thing. This isn't usually the outcome though, is it? W
e end up learning a lot of information about what makes our partners upset and a greater sense of negativity hovering around the subject. Research from The Gottman Institute states that even when you're upset and negative with your spouse, it's important to still be kind to them.
The opposite is also true. When we make it a habit of telling our partners when we are pleased with them, they learn a lot about what makes us happy and begin to associate positive feelings with these desirable behaviors. This allows for a relationship to be built on assets instead of deficits.
2. Ask him to tell you when you're doing something pleasing to him
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Similar to the above, this allows for the conversation between two partners to be built on pleasant information instead of the usual deficit conversations. The simple truth is it is easier to repeat a pleasurable behavior than it is to stop an unpleasant behavior. So, it makes more sense to create opportunities to have conversations about what we are doing well instead of doing what most people do and discussing the opposite.
3. Discuss how these changes are impacting your relationship
Periodically it is important to consistently review if the relationship is moving in the direction that both parties would like and to set new relationship goals. Setting goals together as a couple is a healthy sign of commitment, according to research from 2011.
Think about it, corporations do it at board meetings. They review how the previous year (or quarter) has gone for the corporation and what they would like to get accomplished in the future.
We should also do this in our relationships. Talk about what has worked well for each partner in the recent past and what needs to happen in the future to keep the relationship moving in the proper direction.
4. Take a break if he triggers negative feelings in you
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When I went to therapy as an adult, one of the best things I got out of it was that my therapist taught me three things: how to get in touch with my feelings, how to own my feelings, and how to express my feelings. I was very proud of mastering the ability to do all three.
I especially liked telling my partners how I felt when they upset me. This master skill turned out to be a great formula for short-term relationships.
My therapist never focused on the fact that just because I could now express my feelings it didn’t mean that my partner would welcome that expression of those feelings. In fact, that expression was downright unwelcome. When I was dating, my "great communication skills" usually led to the untimely death of that relationship.
Now, as a trained relationship-saving marriage counselor, here’s what I teach my clients to do with their upset feelings: Don’t stuff them, don’t express them to your partner, and don’t deny them. Well, what's left?
Here’s what to do instead: When your partner triggers negative feelings in you, give yourself a time-out. If you can’t think of what to say, just say, "I need to take a bathroom break." Research from The Gottman Institute states that taking a break when mad can lead to better communication during fights.
Remember, it’s not wrong to communicate when you are in a negative emotional state. It’s just guaranteed to make things worse between the two of you.
When you’re calm, resume contact with your partner, and rather than telling them what they did wrong do "positive alternative communication." In other words, with all positive language ask for what you want instead.
Positive language is not about ignoring the negative emotions you feel. It just is much more likely to get you the positive responses and change in behavior you’d like to get from your partner — so you don't have to feel that negative emotion again.
For example, rather than saying "You're such a jerk. You're so rude and disrespectful to me. When I’m talking to you, you’re always texting one of your friends…" Vs. "It's really important to me that when you and I are spending time together that we both turn our phones off and give each other our full attention. Would you be willing to do that?"
You can't have it both ways in the same conversation. You can either get things off your chest, which will most likely cause your partner to withdraw from you, defend his/her position, or verbally attack you OR you can use "positive alternative communication" when you're calm and have a much better chance of getting what you want from them.
5. Make sure you're willing to receive what he gives you
Once, I traveled by car with a beautiful colleague, a former flight attendant. Passing through towns, she said: "My ex gave me two lamps like those in that store." "My first boyfriend gave me a dog like that." I finally asked her: "How do you have so many of the things you want given to you by men? Is it just because you're so beautiful?"
"No," she responded. "I know that a man I am with is going to want to give me things, so I just tell him what I want, and he gives it to me!"
"I believe I burden a man by expecting him to give to me," I almost shouted.
"Don't you like to give to people? Wouldn't you prefer to give them something you know they want?" Most people do!
Thenceforth, I changed my beliefs and actions. I still refuse to view a date or partner as a "gift-giving machine," yet I have opened my mind to receive what someone wants to give me.
I have appended the adage that it is "better to give than to receive." I now receive because I know it allows another person to give, while simultaneously feeling good to me.
We all love to get what we want in our relationships, whether "things" or "attention and acts of love." What I now know is that my friend was enthusiastic about receiving. The principle is "enthusiasm draws." Her enthusiasm for the gift and the giver encouraged giving. She also gave a lot.
Elliot Connie is a therapist who has worked alongside some of the most prominent figures in the SFBT field, has lectured all over the US as well as internationally, in places like the United Kingdom, Russia, India, and Australia, and has written four books on the Solution Focused method.
Ilene Dillon has been a marriage and family counselor for over 40 years and is a family coach, life coach, and social worker.
Fred Talisman has been a licensed marriage family therapist for over twenty years, and his goal is to save and revive dying relationships.