5 Urgent Signs It's Time To End Your Relationship, According To Experts — And Why Ignoring Them Can Hurt You
If your relationship feels more like a struggle than a growth opportunity, it may be time to go.
Baptista Ime James | Unsplash Recognizing when a relationship has lost its spark can be tough, but expert advice is clear — lingering in negativity only causes more hurt. Dr. John Gottman even advises, "Get out of bad relationships sooner." His research on thousands of couples reveals five urgent signs that your "Story of Us" has turned dark — from fading fondness and lost "we-ness" to impersonal memories and unmet expectations.
When negative memories replace warm, shared experiences, it may be time to walk away.
Here are 5 urgent signs it's time to end your relationship, according to experts — and why ignoring them can hurt you:
1. There is weak fondness and admiration
There is a major difference between couples who last and couples who separate. Happy couples tell their Story of Us with warmth, affection, and respect for each other.
Couples who break up tend to recall unfavorable first impressions of their partners. The words they use to describe their relationship feel cold. The story unhappy couples tell will focus on a significant blow-up rather than a fun time or happy memory.
2. 'Me-ness' dominates 'we-ness'
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Happy couples tell their stories with a sense of we-ness. You get the feeling that they are “in this together.” Their words often reflect similar beliefs, values, and goals.
When the we-ness is lost, partners often describe their history in a way that emphasizes how it affected them individually rather than as a couple. They prioritize getting what they want and ignore their partner’s needs.
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Unhappy couples become gridlocked by these arguments because they focus on me, not us. When they each try to win, they become trapped in what Dr. John Gottman calls the roach motel.
3. Talking about the past feels impersonal
When couples have vivid and distinct memories of each other, it’s a sign that they understand and respect what makes the other work. It’s important to know what makes your partner sad or happy or what your partner cares about.
Couples who lack this connection do not reminisce with humor or vivid memories. They talk about their history impersonally, mentioning nothing specific about each other. It’s easy to hear that they have lost the Love Map to each other’s hearts.
4. Relationship struggles push you apart
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Couples who talk about their history as chaotic are often unhappy. The stories they share are not about pulling together or learning from negative experiences.
Past troubles and conflicts did not strengthen their bond; they pushed them apart. Life and love just happened to them.
Happy couples, on the other hand, express great pride in their ability to overcome difficult times together. They glorify the struggle and talk about how it strengthened their bond. They used it as a catalyst to grow closer together.
When you talk to happy couples about their hardships, you get a sense that they steered their course together. These couples share profound meaning and a life of purpose. What matters is how couples interpret the negative and positive events.
5. The relationship falls short of your expectations
It’s a clear sign a couple is at risk of splitting when one partner expresses disappointment in how the relationship has ended. When these partners recall choices in the past, they often express cynicism about long-term commitment. And when they do say something, it’s short.
Satisfied partners believe their relationship has met their expectations. A happy couple describes knowing that their partner was right for them. When Dr. Gottman compared the stories of couples, those who would remain married and those who would split became very clear.
The negative switch has been made if a relationship has all five telltale signs. Once the negative “Story of Us” switch is clicked, it is hard to reverse. Any intervention is likely too late, even if one partner tries to make changes. At that point, both partners should let go and walk away.
Kyle Benson is a relationship coach who writes to help others understand the science of love and relationships.