5 Underrated Romantic Gestures That Matter Way More Than You Think, According To Experts
Love can often be quiet and subtle.
Marina Polovinkina | Canva Contempt is not the only emotion that familiarity might breed in a long-term relationship. 2019 research confirmed that if a marriage lasts long enough — and surely, longevity is the goal — then the couple will almost certainly experience the panoply of human feelings toward and regarding one another.
Love, of course. Anger, yes. Disappointment, impatience, sadness, boredom, amusement, fear, distress, joy — you're going to feel it all. That's a good thing. You know what they say about variety. All those many emotions wreaking their inevitable havoc serve to keep things interesting, don't they?
And couples who truly love one another, who make the relationship last through all of it, seem instinctively to understand that to counterbalance the wild ride of emotion, they need to cultivate one important aspect of their relationship: romance.
Now, we're not talking about the grand romantic gestures you see in the movies. Richard Gere isn't showing up in a stretch limo and climbing up your fire escape with a dozen street-vendor roses clutched in his teeth any time soon.
No, we're talking about the everyday behavior that consistently shows your partner through tenderness and kindness that they matter today, tomorrow, and always. What does that mean, exactly? To answer that question, we reached out to a panel of relationship experts and asked them to reveal the romantic behaviors that help happy couples stay together forever.
Here are the underrated romantic gestures that matter way more than you think:
1. Listening and doing small favors
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Happy and healthy relationships require maintenance, just like anything else, and that is usually done through some sort of show of love and affection. Oftentimes when people think of ways to show love to their partners they go for extravagant displays of affection, grand gestures, and expensive gifts. And all that is sweet and wonderful and gets praise and admiration from all around including social media.
Unfortunately, the little gestures and behaviors we do either subconsciously or consciously that really keep the flame going get no credit. Let’s take a look.
Active listening. When you actively engage in listening to whatever your partner is saying, it shows them that you care about them and the things that are important to them. A deeper bond is built on the feeling of being heard and understood.
Small random gestures that show your partner that they are on your mind. Grabbing your partner’s favorite chocolate while getting gas, or bringing a glass of water to your partner while getting one for yourself. Even sending a cute text from work, telling them you are thinking about them.
There are many more little things here and there that could be done to show love and affection, thus keeping your partner happy in a relationship. The best place to start is to take the five love languages quiz with your partner to learn what makes them feel happy and loved.
—Ella Scaduto, matchmaker, relationship coach
2. Meal planning and cooking together
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Some say food is the way to a man’s heart, but it can be the way to a woman’s heart as well. Eating is an emotional experience that is naturally related to safety, love, and belonging. This makes the experience of sharing food intensely bonding.
Over time, a couple creates food experiences together such that food, or even the mention or smell of it, automatically evokes feel-good memories in their relationship. Your first dinner, what you ate on that wonderful trip, the foods you had on a magical summer evening — those foods will bring your partner right back to the original experience.
Beyond this, sharing the daily work of nourishing your family is a strongly appreciated contribution in every household. It demonstrates your value to the household and goes a long way toward keeping your partner happy and the romance strong.
Regardless of which partner has primary responsibility, look for a way to contribute or surprise. We have to eat, so you might as well use that as a springboard to show your thoughtful, caring, and romantic sides.
—Lisa Newman, MAPP, is a positive psychology practitioner, health coach, and certified intuitive eating counselor.
3. Flowers or a massage just because
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When I was young my mother and father never impressed me as being romantic. Looking back now my father did one thing that everyone noticed but as kids, we did not necessarily appreciate it. On the other hand, my mother always noticed and talked to her friends about it.
My Dad seasonally would always make sure there were beautiful flowering plants all around our house. You good not pass the house or approach our doorway without seeing fuchsias hanging from the awnings, roses, geraniums, tulips, and petunias blossoming in the flower beds.
As kids, we had to do the weeding and grass cutting (which did not feel the least bit romantic to me), but my father always took personal care of the flowers. That was his form of romance.
A fun caveat, as an adult going to the local wholesale florist became a passion of mine. I would purchase the most exotic beautiful appealing flowers I could find and take them to make flower arrangements for our house and bedroom. What woman does not love flowers?
Whether on our feet or sitting, most of the day there are always areas in our bodies that need extra attention. I have never had my beloved turn down a foot, shoulder, or head massage. Conversely, I can’t think of a time I have, either.
A few minutes of selfless physical touch may be one of the most potent ways to create longevity in a romantic relationship. To know our partners are always aware of how comfortable we feel in our bodies is truly delicious beyond words. The extra focus on physical intimacy is an easy 5-star behavior we can all do for our partners.
—Larry Michel, founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics
4. Doing the mundane chores of life together
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Couples often don't recognize the pure romance of committing to the other person and participating in the not-so-fun daily grind of relationship maintenance. Whether it is household chores or a deep difficult discussion.
Are you romantic enough to get down to the nitty-gritty, on your hands and knees, to scrub out those moldy corners hidden behind almost empty, but don’t throw them out, conditioner bottles? Romance is not always pretty, nor does it always smell good like a home-cooked meal prepared with love. Sometimes, the romance is far less pleasant but much more binding.
Then there is the romance of staying present when the relationship gets intense. Whether it is processing past trauma, or confronting a problem or disagreement in the relationship, nothing says romance to me more than being present and participating in making the love life work when there seems to be no end to the struggle. Either way, deep romance can be found in uncomfortable moments.
—Will Curtis, writer and associate editor for YourTango
5. The gestures that cost nothing
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Consultant and former diplomat Ruth Schimel liked the question so much that she shared a poem she wrote about the topic from years past:
The Ungifts
Here are the ungifts that leave voids:
Not telling someone what they mean to you
Not listening to what someone means
Not meaning what you say
Not making meaning by how you do something
None cost anything but attention.
But attention demands.
There’s no escape into thoughts …
There’s a danger of feelings that float up …
There’s vulnerability …
There’s commitment …
Where love lies.
—Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., career & life management consultant, author
Carter Gaddis is a writer and editor who spent 24 years as an award-winning sportswriter for newspapers in Florida and for various online publications, including ESPN, Parenting Magazine, and the St. Petersburg Times.
