5 Quiet Traits That Mean A Man Is Not All-In On A Relationship, According To Psychology
If he’s doing these five things, his heart might not be fully in it.
Alexander Polous | Unsplash Here is my take: while it is perfectly acceptable to work on elements of your personality that you do not feel are making a positive contribution to your daily existence, if you are making those changes to please another and not yourself, you are on a very slippery slope. Conversely, if you are choosing a mate that you feel isn't all-in on a relationship or needs to be “fixed?” Let me advise you that those kinds of fixer-uppers become a lifetime of disappointed expectations.
Here are the traits that mean a man is not all-in on a relationship:
1. Suspicion
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If your spouse/partner feels the need to read your e-mails, monitor your texts, or track your phone? There is no trust or respect in your relationship.
Research suggests that overt suspicion in a relationship can indicate that a partner isn't fully committed or invested. This can manifest as excessive jealousy, accusations, or monitoring behaviors. These behaviors can be linked to underlying issues like insecurity, trust problems, a desire for control, or even a subconscious attempt to end the relationship.
2. Undermining
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Does your mate sabotage your diet, your friendships, and your dreams? This is both insecure and controlling and should not be tolerated.
Undermining behaviors in a relationship, like consistently minimizing a partner's achievements, efforts, or feelings, can be a sign that a person is not fully invested or emotionally present. A 2012 study concluded that such actions often indicate a lack of commitment, respect, or empathy and can signal a disinterest in the partner or the relationship itself.
3. Lack of interest
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This may seem silly, but because most couples are comfortable with divergent interests (he loves baseball, she’d rather see a movie) it can be missed.
Glaring examples would be a spouse who is a performer (musician/actor/dancer), artist, or an athlete who has a partner who never attends shows or games; more subtly it can be a rejection of suggestions for outings, activities, or even book and movie recommendations.
The people I know who have the strongest relationships are all in with each other, even when there is good-natured teasing or eye-rolling involved, they vote with their feet.
4. Unwillingness to compromise
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Here is the real “work” of relationships and the heart of mutual respect: compromise. It is not about not standing up for yourself, it is not about not maintaining healthy boundaries; it is about having a clear headset that “what is good for the goose” is in fact “good for the gander.”
Love understands that compromise actually opens up your options and gives you greater freedom to experience life and each other more completely.
According to a 2015 study, it can indicate a lack of empathy, respect for the partner's needs, and a tendency to prioritize one's desires. Compromise is crucial to healthy relationships, fostering communication, understanding, and a sense of shared goals.
5. Apathy
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Run, run, run! At the risk of being termed naïve, I am going to call it: true love is the top of the mountain. When you are there, you know it.
There are a lot of self-help gurus out there who will disagree, but I’m going to side with lady-boss Bonnie Raitt, who sang “I can’t make you love me if you don’t.” You can’t make yourself love somebody and you cannot make somebody else love you.
So put down the credit card and take off your Spanx — if a man doesn’t love you, fitting into those skinny jeans will not be persuasive. Because when a man loves a woman, it just doesn’t matter. He’s all in.
Kara Post-Kennedy is an executive editor and columnist at The Good Men Project, and a blogger at Your New Best Friend.
