13 Things Women Keep Doing In Relationships That Totally Backfire, According To Research
Habits that often lead to miscommunication, resentment, and emotional distance.
Juanmonino | Canva It's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So, yes, we know that snooping around our partner's email account is a bad idea in healthy relationships, but sometimes we find ourselves doing it anyway. The results? Not so successful. Plus, we start to feel unbalanced — and perhaps rightly so.
This point is this: there are certain relationship mistakes women make over and over again. Like sleeping in a bad position and waking with a stiff neck, we sometimes don't realize we're blundering and repeating until the "ouch" factor comes into play.
Here are the things women keep doing in relationships that backfire:
1. You hack into his emails or phone, looking for suspicious messages
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And then you yell at him for the "k thnx bye" text he sent to his female co-worker two months ago. "k thnx" is not code for "hot steamy hookup." (Is it?)
2. You think he has to be interested in everything you do, think, and say
When it comes down to it, we zone out when men talk about circuit boards, right? Having a best friend outside a relationship is a good thing.
Expecting a partner to be perpetually interested in every detail of one's life can lead to relationship problems. A 2014 study concluded that this expectation can cause undue pressure on the partner and potentially damage the relationship. The need for constant validation and engagement from a partner can be detrimental to individual self-esteem and emotional well-being.
3. You displace your anger
Freud was right with this one. If you're mad at him because he ate your tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge, tell him you're mad at him because he ate your tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge. Don't turn it into a commitment issue.
4. You put too much energy into the idea of a fairy-tale romance
Love is worth it, but don't expect it to be like the ones in your favorite romances.
5. You wait for someone to find you, instead of going out and finding someone yourself
It doesn't work like that. Some studies suggest that actively pursuing relationships, rather than passively waiting for them to come, can have positive consequences for both men and women.
Actively searching for love may feel desperate or hurtful, leading to negative outcomes. However, other studies suggest that waiting for love can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and a sense of something being wrong with a person if they are unable to find a partner.
6. You think that a perfect relationship should be easy
Relationships require work and compromise. A perfect relationship means doing those things well.
7. You drop your friends when you're falling in love
Friends help define who we are, and we need them when things get tough.
8. You think that getting a boyfriend or husband will solve all your problems
No one can fix our lives for us! Relying on a relationship to solve personal problems can lead to emotional dependence and potentially hinder self-improvement. One study cautioned that it's important to address individual issues before entering into a relationship, as partners may not be able to fulfill the role of a therapist or provide the emotional support needed to overcome internal challenges.
9. You use the silent treatment
Our partners can't read our minds; they won't know what's wrong unless we suck up and tell them.
10. You deny there's a problem in your relationship instead of facing it
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Problems don't usually go away on their own. Letting them fester only makes it worse.
Denying relationship problems can lead to increased distress, decreased satisfaction, and potentially contribute to a cycle of avoidance and unhealthy communication. A 2023 study explained that when women deny relationship issues, it can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and self-criticism, as well as hinder the ability to address underlying issues and improve the relationship.
11. You think that depending on someone else is a weakness
Leaning on someone else sometimes is a sign of healthy relationships.
12. You overanalyze
There's an analysis and then there's over-analysis. Wondering why the fiancé didn't call once during his bachelor weekend in Vegas? A legitimate case for analysis. Wondering why he only called twice and not three times during a guys' night out? Not so much.
13. You try to reinvent the relationship wheel
If some items on this list feel cliché, it's because they are! If you would only listen to a good dose of love advice now and again, you'd probably save yourself some heartache.
A 2022 study found that the desire for change in a relationship can also manifest in various ways, with women sometimes displaying more negative affect and more positive affect during female-initiated conversations compared to men. Women may be more sensitive to social isolation and rejection than men, highlighting the importance of strong social networks for their well-being.
Alex Alexander is a pseudonym. The author of this article is known to YourTango but is choosing to remain anonymous.
