10 Things Men Really Want From Women (But Won't Ask For), According To Psychology
It's hard to know what men want, so that's why we made a list for you.
SHVETS production | Canva If you feel like you need a crystal ball to interpret what a man wants, you’re not alone. While women often get lumped with the ‘complicated’ tag due to self-expression, men can appear blissfully simple, in the emotions game. The reality is, that it’s probably because your guy is reluctant to talk about his needs in an open setting.
It could stem from social conditioning, difficulty with communicating intimate feelings, or the sheer fear of showing anyone his true self. This leads to miscommunication, arguments, and those, “not tonight, I’ve got a headache” moments we all know and love.
Here are 10 things men want from women, but won't ask for:
1. Men want the room to chase
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The ‘thrill of the chase’ isn’t something only men love to experience. We all get a kick out of striving hard to get the best out of life. However, sometimes during dating, women unconsciously block guys from enjoying the chase. If you’re always the one initiating further dates and texting him, you’re not actually allowing space for him to feel the urge to pursue you.
This isn’t about playing games. It’s about him knowing he’s consciously choosing you and not being pushed into anything.
Change your mindset to one of allowing the situation to flow and keep living your best life while dating. Respond to his efforts to move forward, put an effort in from your end too, but don’t force things. If he’s into you, it will find its own way.
Researchers from the University of Chicago showed a group of male volunteers two photographs of a woman. One photograph clearly showed the woman, while the other image was blurred.
Relationship expert Dr. Pam Spurr says: “Almost everyone - men and women - put a certain added 'value' on to something that's not easily attainable. This is why saving up for something like a special dress or handbag can feel so good - and when you get it, it just feels priceless. It's the same with physical intimacy and the classic chase - many men find the chase exciting, and it strikes their ego to feel they're the one who is finally going to get her attention - and into bed. Add to this the fact that men are very goal-focused, and an elusive goal can seem much more interesting."
2. Men want respect
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While everyone deserves respect, men and women tend to feel differently about what it means. Think about those conversations where you’re venting about your day at work. Your guy inevitably jumps in to offer solutions. Innately, he’s a problem solver. You, on the other hand, may not need him to fix your problems, you just want to talk about them.
When you tell him you don’t need his help, it can feel like disrespect, even though that’s the last thing you mean. Men often feel respect as love and if you disapprove of him, what he does, how he dresses, or why he responds in such a way, he’ll have a hard time trusting you with his emotions. Accept him as he is, along with the differences in male/female communication and he’ll bask in the light of your respect.
3. Men want acceptance of their help
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You are, without a doubt, independent, confident, and entirely capable of looking after yourself. However, that has absolutely nothing to do with allowing your man to help you. We all love to feel needed, and this is a way he can show his love through action rather than emotion.
It’s not about being a damsel in distress. Men love strong women who know how to navigate challenges, whether it be an emotional upset or changing a tire. But, when he offers to carry your bags (even though they’re not heavy), he’s expressing the desire to make you happy, to make life easier for you, to feel useful to you. In the old-fashioned sense, this is called chivalry. Enjoy it and let him.
Benevolent chauvinism is characterized by or given to doing well, and it is suggestive of doing pleasing and/or agreeable: something that is organized or done to be good or kind; any gesture that suggests or hints at goodwill. According to Jin Goh, a psychologist from Northeastern University, Boston, in the U.S., “Machismo is understood as having both hostile and benevolent properties; the insidious nature of benevolent chauvinism will continue to be one of the driving forces behind gender inequality.”
Of course, some men can be total pigs who’ll ogle inappropriately without any regard for the boundaries that an individual woman might set. Still, I believe that if women get as bent out of shape about pure acts of kindness, affection, and helpfulness — such as a husband helping his wife carry groceries — as they do about, say, an unwelcome pinch on the backside, then frankly, they’ve got issues. Not all women think that it’s bad either, so it becomes about creating a cultural awareness of what happens when women maintain dependency and men do those things that are not necessarily obviously opinionated, as confirmed by a 2015 Penn State University.
4. Men want space
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The concept of a ‘man cave’ isn’t fictional. Traditionally, women tend to flock to each other for socializing, talking about problems, and having fun, while men like solitary time to do their own thing. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be with you.
The same goes for spending time with his mates. It’s about his mates – not the woman in his life. If you’ve experienced this in reverse, whereby a man doesn’t want to let you out of his sight, you’ll know how it feels to be suffocated. It’s basically one of the fastest ways to end a relationship, no matter if it’s you or him putting the paper bag over it.
After all, a relationship isn’t a merger of two people into one. It’s an invitation to go on a journey together, as separate individuals who both require space along the way.
5. Men want compliments and appreciation
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A man is probably never going to ask you to compliment him more, for fear of sounding like he needs his ego stroked. It’s much more likely that he’s complimenting you all the time, whether it’s because you look pretty, say something funny, or kick a goal at work.
But, he needs reassurance too and there’s nothing wrong with a little ego-stroking. Compliments help boost his confidence and, when they’re coming from you, it’ll help him feel loved. As a bonus, the more you tell him what you think is great about him, the more you’ll see those attributes.
A few years ago, The Atlantic looked at why men are so bad at being told nice things. One study from 1990 found that men typically think of compliments as a threat meant to embarrass or patronize them, Casey Quinlan wrote.
What’s more, because men are used to being the ones doing the complimenting — acting, Quinlan writes, as “arbiters of someone’s attractiveness”—they might view a woman’s compliment as an unappealing, overly masculine act. Add to this the fact that because men tend to be valued for what they do and not how they look, drawing attention to their physical appearance can also feel emasculating, as reported by MEL Magazine.
6. Men want a variety of intimacy
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It’s impossible to talk about what men want women to do without delving into nighttime activities. Lingerie, different positions, a hot make-out in public, or anything new, really, will drive him wild. He won’t want to ask for it, but he will want it, and it’s also one of the best ways to create intimacy and keep the all-important fire alive.
7. Men want you to initiate contact
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How would you feel if you always initiated contact with a man, whether it be through texts, phone calls, or kissing? Men have a fear of rejection, too, even in long-term relationships.
For the most part, there’s nothing wrong with this, but for your man, it’s nice to have the pressure of doing so taken off occasionally. Plus, it’s attractive as hell to be in the presence of a woman confident enough to do so.
8. Men want spontaneity and passion
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There’s nothing more attractive than a person who’s spontaneous, free, and willing to be herself. A guy loves it when you have your own opinions, express what you like and don’t like, and make risky choices that bring you happiness.
He also loves to be curious about you, to be surprised by your spontaneous actions, and to feel challenged by what’s in your mind. This kind of attitude means you’re comfortable with yourself, have your own life, and trust him enough to show it to him. He wants to admire you, so don’t hide your passions, fears, or love of singing in the shower. If he doesn’t get a kick out of the real you, he’s not the right one anyway.
Some of us may have committed to the fantastical notion that romance is just an act of spontaneous combustion. However, a licensed psychologist, Needle, says it’s time to ditch the myth, as cited in a 2016 article from South University.
“Get rid of the myth that these things should just happen spontaneously and that there is something wrong with the relationship because you are not all over each other every minute, as when you began the relationship,” Needle says. “You have to put in time and energy and make a conscious effort to sustain the relationship and the passion.”
9. Men want to be trusted
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It’s a weird contradiction, but if your man feels like you don’t trust him, he’ll have a hard time trusting you. It’s empowering to feel trusted. It’s an acknowledgment that you think he’s a great guy.
Jumping to negative conclusions, being paranoid, or consistently doubting his intentions, on the other hand, is offensive to someone trying to earn your trust. He might just withdraw emotionally because he can’t trust you to believe in him.
10. Men want you to be in their corner
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Being your guy’s buddy doesn’t mean you have to go to the footy, slurp down a meat pie, and have burping competitions (though a lot of guys would love it if you joined in occasionally). It means being on his side and accepting him as he is, just like a true friend would.
Too often, even at the very beginning of relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of liking most things about a new lover, while thinking you’ll just change the things you don’t. You won’t. Worse still, you’ll make him feel like you’re not in his corner, that there’s something wrong with him, and that he can’t act like himself around you. And a true friend would never do that.
What else? Well, dressing up like a hot nurse and bringing him a beer is always a winner — though he might not have the guts to ask you.
“A lot of men would really like to be friends with other men, but there are barriers because of toxic masculinity,” psychotherapist John Moore explains, noting an anecdotal increase in straight male clients who are mostly friends with women. Although the American Psychological Association (APA) has pivoted away from describing masculinity as “toxic” — in its 36-page Guidelines for Psychological Practices with Boys and Men masculinity is mentioned 153 times, yet the word toxic isn’t used once — it does characterize masculinity as very lonely, and friendship with women may represent one way out of that.
Mark Rosenfield is a dating coach who writes to help women find love within and without. He is the author of Make Him Yours: Beating The Odds Of Modern Dating.