3 Things Gen-X Women Were Taught About Men That Are Wildly Outdated Today
Gen-X women often received relationship advice that seems more like outdated folklore than solid guidance.
Eli Defaria | Unsplash Growing up as Gen-X women, many of us were spoon-fed advice about how to navigate relationships that now feels more like outdated folklore than solid guidance. We were taught that being overly friendly, submissive, or even the fixer in a troubled relationship was the key to "success" with men.
But as we've grown and learned, the reality is that these lessons fail to serve us and can also put us at risk. Let's break down three archaic notions that once dictated how we were supposed to interact with men:
Here are 3 things Gen-X women were taught about men that are wildly outdated today:
1. Women should always be nice to men
Every time I’ve heard this advice, it’s suggested that women appease a guy by either sleeping with him or as a way to get her to ignore her boundaries. Being polite is good, but what everyone forgets about this is that manners only work when they are mutually beneficial.
If someone keeps being a jerk to you, manners aren’t going to do anything besides encouraging them to continue their behavior. Moreover, if a person is being predatory, they often encourage you to "be nice." Nice can get you killed. Being a loud, assertive woman keeps you safe.
Every single time I almost ended up on a milk carton or had my life almost beaten out of me by an ex, it was because I decided to "be nice" and be the bigger person. No, thank you. I will not be nice — and neither should you.
2. Men want a submissive woman
Mikhail Nilov / Pexels
They really don’t. Do you remember that scene in Coming to America when Eddie Murphy’s character meets the woman his parents trained to be his queen? Anything he said, she agreed with. She did everything he told her to do, including bark like a dog.
Do you remember what his reaction was? He was disgusted by her.
The truth is that submission is not something men respect. When I tried to be the good, submissive wifey type, I was taken advantage of. I was beaten, verbally abused, and then told it was my fault.
Men don’t respect submission, and they don’t ever really love women they don’t respect. They respect women with healthy boundaries — even if they hate them for having those boundaries.
While many guys may hate a girl who refuses to tolerate garbage, you cannot have real love without respect.
In other words, refusing to tolerate anything and having a spine is the most reliable way to stay safe, find someone who loves you, and keep your sanity intact. Doormatting, on the other hand, will get you used and abused…or just ignored.
3. A good woman can change a bad man
Every woman I know has had this moment when they watched Beauty and the Beast and got that message. And it probably happened with other movies, too. But it was most noticeable here.
Beast was an abusive jerk who literally kidnapped her…and then their relationship got better because Belle was just so nice to him. See? You can calm an abusive Beast and turn him into a Prince Charming just by loving him.
Nope. Nope, no, no, no. Women are not rehab centers for angry, control-hungry, broken men. If the shoe were on the other foot, these same guys would trash the woman. Abusers don’t change for the better.
Belle should have left him and praised Gaston for saving her. Gaston was misogynistic, too, but at least he wasn’t terrorizing her.
If you still feel like you are to blame for choosing the wrong guys, you need to unlearn the sick blame-shifting that our society does to women.
Abuse victims are never at fault for the actions of their abuser. Read that again. If the people around you are trying to shift blame onto you, it may be time to walk away from them.
It may not be easy, but learning to love your own company and find healthier people will always be more rewarding than staying with the people who make you feel worse.
If you think you may be experiencing depression or anxiety as a result of ongoing emotional abuse, you are not alone. Domestic abuse can happen to anyone and is not a reflection of who you are or anything you've done wrong.
If you feel as though you may be in danger, there is support available 24/7/365 through the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233. If you’re unable to speak safely, text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474 or log onto thehotline.org.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.