6 Things Even Smart Women Do When They're In Love That Mess Everything Up, According To Psychology
Stop pushing love further away by making these mistakes.
yacobchuk | Canva Decisions can move us closer to love or can take us further away. While that makes sense and sounds logical, the decision-making most of us have doesn’t give us the love we desire.
We want things to happen our way and want love when we want it. But love happens when we’re ready for it, not necessarily when we want it. Are your decisions pushing love further away?
Here are 6 things even smart women do when they're in love that mess everything up, according to psychology:
1. You make rash decisions because you're simply reacting
When someone says or does something that makes you upset, sad, or defensive, you may assume the worst and take it personally. Because you’re human, your natural inclination may be to overreact and make a hasty decision from a place of negative energy.
You may have heard of the saying, “Haste makes waste,” which also applies to matters of the heart. The Psychological Bulletin explains that when you rush a decision or act too quickly, it derails or slows things down because you see things for what you imagine them to be instead of for what they are.
The next time you’re negatively triggered and find yourself about to make a rash decision, slow down, breathe, and feel through those emotions. Then, make your decision when you feel centered.
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2. You let decisions make you because you're afraid of making the wrong decisions
If you tend to agonize over making the wrong decision, you’re likely to do nothing, as outlined in a conceptual analysis of decision fatigue in the Journal of Health Psychology. By not doing anything at all, the decision will make itself. However, you can adopt the perspective there are no right or wrong decisions. There are just decisions you make and outcomes you get, it will be easier to decide.
It’s simple. If you make a decision and like the outcome, continue down that path. If you want a different result, make a different decision or choice.
3. You make regretful decisions based on strong emotions that take you out of your integrity
When controlled by lust or infatuation, you’ll miss, overlook, or rationalize red flags. You make decisions that sacrifice your integrity, like bending over backward to please a guy at the expense of your happiness, giving too much and accepting crumbs in return, and having to keep him around, as explored in a Journal of Personality study on attachment, emotion regulation, and well‐being in couples.
Those kinds of decisions will wear down your self-esteem and self-worth to leave you ashamed of who you’ve become.
If you’ve realized these are the decisions you’ve been making, be kind and compassionate to yourself. You’re doing your best in any given moment based on what you know. These are the lessons you’re meant to learn and the growth you’re meant to experience.
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4. You overthink decisions instead of listening to your inner wisdom
The more you try to think your way to a decision, the more confusing it is. That's because over-thinking doesn’t let you see things. An analysis of emotion and decision-making from Harvard University helps us understand how over-analyzing things will keep us caught in our monkey minds while rationalizing decisions that don’t feel right.
When it comes to matters of the heart, making decisions from your mind rarely results in your desired outcome. Instead, those decisions perpetuate the cycle of unhealthy love. The truest answer to love is felt in your body that’s where you connect to your inner wisdom.
5. You put too much emphasis on your friends' advice
A friend’s opinion is mostly biased and rarely impartial because they’re based on their experiences, perspectives, and outlook on love. When you use their advice to make decisions, it will lean towards what they would do, which isn’t necessarily right for you, as supported by a study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
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6. You make short-term decisions, hoping for long-term results
If you’re not seeing anyone, it may make sense to go out with a guy you’re attracted to, even if you know he isn’t the right one. For instance, when you’ve just gotten out of a 23-year marriage and follow dating advice to put yourself out there.
But in most cases, going out with that guy is short-sighted. You’ll get short-term wants met at the expense of your long-term desires. You’ll send mixed signals and continue getting mixed results.
Since attention spans are shorter and impatience is the norm, we jump to conclusions and make rash decisions when a guy doesn’t immediately respond the way we’d like. We don’t give ourselves the time and space to make good choices and thoughtful decisions, as supported by research from the Harvard Business Review.
Instead, we make short-term decisions that take us further away from love. Then, we become frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged when things don’t work our way. Our instant gratification society causes us to want things now, making it hard to be with what is and looking for a quick fix.
So when presented with a decision to make, ask, “Will what I’m about to decide to take me further away from what I truly desire? Or is it moving me closer?” Then, choose in favor of what moves you closer.
You're always one decision away from the love you desire. You’re only human, so don’t agonize over every decision you make about love. If you make a decision you regret or one that doesn't give you what you don’t want, it’s OK. There’s always another opportunity for a do-over. Just make conscious decisions and be consistent in decision-making to move you closer to love.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.