Wives Who Have Happy Husbands Always Do These 12 Things Right
Simple things to sustain feelings of deep attachment.
Ivanko_Brnjakovic | Canva If you want to fall in love all over again, the crucial first step in doing it right is to stop trying so hard and keep it simple. Look at the happy experiences with your husband to find the authentic dynamic between you. Keep in mind, once your expectations begin, it’s only a quick hop into resentment, especially if you've never let him know your expectations exist.
Here are 12 things wives who have happy husbands always do right
1. Keep it real
When he walks in the room, do you get viscerally excited without consciously thinking about it? Do you inhale a second longer as your eyes widen and a smile creeps across your face? If so, he can feel that too! He picks up your energy and feels drawn to you. He’s smiling and saying (or at least, thinking): “Wow! She’s beautiful!”
When you first met, what did he love about you most? Was it your wit? Your intellect? Your passion? All of the above and more? Whatever authentically drew him to you can deepen your connection.
Of course, change is a natural part of life, but be sure to maintain your core self, which you know to be the "real" you. If you were kind of faking it when you met him, be aware his admiration for that characteristic won’t be sustainable, as shown by an APA study. Eventually, your true self will emerge. If that’s you, it’s time to recalibrate.
2. Introduce him to the real you
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If you hold back the real you, you start feeling guilt, shame, or anxiety because you’re trying to figure out how to introduce the real you. Yet, it will never feel like the right time — you just need to do it. If you wait too long, he’ll feel uncomfortable around you. A study in The Journal of Social Psychology explored how this could be why you haven’t felt the purity of a deep bond between you.
3. Do something for yourself
When you make yourself happy, and he sincerely loves you, he’ll love you more for being good to yourself. By loving yourself, it becomes effortless to include him in your circle of love. If you give all of your love and leave crumbs for yourself, it’s guaranteed you’ll grow to resent him.
Love is about balance. Loving yourself is a priority. Loving someone else is a gift!
4. Do something fun
How do you have fun together? Regardless of what you do — concerts, sports, art, athletics, vacations, reading, cooking, etc. — sharing the experience speaks volumes. Even if he loves one activity more than you do, dipping into his world for a minute will help you understand more about the person you love.
He’ll appreciate that you gave it a try. You can tell him what you did and didn't like as a way of information sharing, rather than criticizing his passion.
5. Ask for his opinion
We all love being the center of someone else’s positive attention. Show him you enjoy listening to him and he’ll feel connected! A study from the APA showed additional ways to show you appreciate him include making eye contact and offering other signs of active listening, such as nodding your head, and keeping electronics out of the way during your conversations.
6. Share an intimate moment
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Intimate conversations create positive, healthy habits of togetherness, as supported by a study in Psychological Reports. Talk about your dreams, values, and fears. Check in gently and ask him what he thinks. Being intimate, talking about intimacy, and sharing your preferences during intimacy all qualify as intimacy.
Talk about honesty — that’s about as honest as it gets! If you can talk about what you enjoy and what he’s already doing — or not doing — for you, you can talk about anything. The key is being able to explain your needs and desires without bruising anyone's ego. This takes honesty, finesse, and mutual respect.
7. Allow yourself to be vulnerable
Ask him to tell you his stories of trial and error and do the same in return. Vulnerability opens windows to the soul and reveals who you are to each other! This allows you to love each other for your honesty, as well as the experiences that led you to each other.
Being vulnerable is not about pretending to be the damsel in distress. It’s about showing your resiliency while handling challenging life experiences when you were most vulnerable. If he genuinely cares for you, he will respond with tenderness and compassion, not judgment.
8. Avoid making comparisons
Try not to compare him to others in your mind, and certainly don’t do it out loud. Stay present in the moment rather than letting your mind wander to what your best friend’s guy is like compared to your partner.
Comparison is negative and non-productive. What you see is what you get, so focus on what's working and strengthen that. However, if you discover a shadow side about him, such as addiction, violence, or some behavior that endangers you or goes against your core values, it’s OK to recognize that as a deal breaker.
Your safety comes first, so decide sooner rather than later which steps will be necessary if you leave the relationship, as well as which family members, friends, community resources, legal aid, or medical care you may need.
9. Be thoughtful and considerate
It’s important to do things for each other. Be his best friend and lover! When you start doing sweet things for each other, the connection of appreciation, reliability, and trust is strengthened.
Examples may include:
- Running errands, such as getting his shirts from the dry cleaner
- Making dinner, including his favorite bottle of wine
- Leaving him cookies, candy, or a sweet card in his sock drawer
- Texting him midday to let him know you’re sending him positive thoughts
10. Say, “Good morning, Sweetheart”
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Even if you tend to be grumpy in the morning, he deserves a pleasant greeting from you. You might even shake off your bad mood by making this a new morning ritual.
You don’t have to engage in huge discussions about politics before your first cup of coffee, but you can certainly make him a cup, too, and say something as simple as, “Good morning.” It seems like a small thing, but it's a connection point.
At the end of the day, if you get home first, be sure to greet him with a kiss and a hug. If he’s at home waiting for you and doesn't greet you, walk over and give him that special hug. Do it, and keep doing it every single day.
Good habits for creating a healthy connection come in handy when life gets stressful. Years from now, you’ll both smile knowing you share this special ritual.
11. Express sincere gratitude and appreciation
Saying, "Thank you" is a powerful tool to express acknowledgment. We sometimes use these words but forget their purpose or say them without feeling. A study in Personality and Individual Differences showed that when you say this phrase mindfully and with sincerity, he will feel it. Examples include the following:
- “Sweetheart, thanks so much for getting that box down from the top shelf I asked about.”
- “Hey babe, thanks so much for dropping off the dry cleaning, that helped me out.”
- “Wow! You started dinner without me? Thank you! You must have known how exhausted I am tonight.” (big smile)
12. Share some laughs
Isn’t it great when you laugh together? A good laugh can be contagious. It’s amazing how it can erase tension and derail intensity. The best news is it doesn't have to be manufactured through sarcasm or wit. All it takes is seeing the situation in a humorous light. Without making each other the target of the laughter, you can laugh at the situation or yourself.
You may be doing many of these things already, but if not, try adding one new technique every 10 days, then review to see which ones stick. You’ll know when you see his eyes twinkle.
Whatever you decide to start (or stop) doing, it’ll most certainly contribute to renewed energy in your relationship. After a while, you won’t have to think about it, because it’ll become second nature.
Margot Brown, LMFT, PsyD, is a career and divorce coach, and the author of Kickstart Your Relationship Now! Move On Or Move Out, a guide to helping couples learn better communication.