Couples Who Stay Emotionally In-Sync Swear By These 6 Subtle Rituals, According To Psychology
Quiet, consistent habits keep love strong.
perfectwave | Canva One day, my wife asked me to go to counseling. I didn’t like the idea. The way she put it, I needed help. The way I saw it, her head needed to be fixed. I wanted to make our marriage work. So did she. I came from a broken home where my parents split when I was ten.
I’d often wondered why they didn’t try harder to work things out. So, as much as I disagreed with why my wife thought we should see a counselor, I agreed to go. We found a helpful counselor who helped us see that we both had issues. I’d spent a lot of time focusing on my wife’s problems but learned I needed to put more effort into dealing with my emotional baggage and ineffective communication skills.
Our counselor worked with us over several months helping us develop better skills for working out our disagreements. He taught us how to restore trust, talk and listen, and cultivate love in our marriage. Our marriage began to heat up in a good way. The wall of ice between us gradually melted.
When I say my marriage is hot, it took some time to get here. We do hit bumps in the road now and then. But, since we started working on taking down the barriers between us, we’ve developed emotionally in-sync habits that infuse our marriage with happiness, and keep love’s flame burning strong.
Couples who stay emotionally in-sync swear by these subtle rituals:
1. Focus on your spouse’s positive qualities instead of defects
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Think of your mood as an elevator with high moods and low moods. Focusing on the negative qualities of a person takes the elevator down to the basement of low moods. Depression, irritation, anger, stress, and fear are low moods.
Curiosity about a person brings the mood elevator up to the ground floor. Be curious about your spouse’s positive qualities, and focus on them when you find them. You’ll have more high moods like gratitude, hope, and happiness.
Research emphasizes that focusing on a partner's positive qualities, rather than defects, is crucial for a healthy and fulfilling relationship, as it fosters a more positive and supportive environment. This positive focus promotes emotional intimacy, relationship satisfaction, and overall well-being.
2. Never hold onto thoughts that your marriage is a mistake or disappointment
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These thoughts may enter your mind when times are tough. Holding onto these thoughts will undermine your will to work at improving your marriage.
Research emphasizes that couples should avoid fixating on the idea that their marriage is a mistake. Negative thoughts and negativity bias can lead to destructive communication patterns and relationship decline, potentially hindering the possibility of marriage improvement.
3. Commit yourself to be the best that you can be for your spouse
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Don’t try to improve your marriage by attempting to change your partner. This never works. Put the energy you’d use trying to convince your spouse to change into changing your behavior.
Not sure where to begin? Ask your spouse. Then, say “thank you” when she says what you’d rather not hear. Self-improvement requires a willingness to see through other people’s eyes where you need to improve.
Committing to being your spouse's best version of yourself through actions like prioritizing their well-being and being willing to sacrifice is crucial for a strong and lasting relationship. Highly committed partners are more likely to view their marriage as a long-term commitment, even during difficult times. Researchers at The Gottman Institute explained that they are more willing to work on issues than consider divorce.
4. Show the same love and respect that you had for each other early in your relationship
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After marriage, all the effort we put into impressing our future spouse usually slips away. The less attractive aspects of our character take the stage.
Why do we despise the salesman who lures us in with the bait-and-switch, but use the same tactic to land a marriage partner? If we’re not the person we pretended to be when we convinced our partner to marry, we’re obligated to become that person.
5. Encourage each other in fighting life’s battles
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We all appreciate having someone on our side when life gets difficult. Don’t just have your spouse’s back–stand at their side and fight their battles with them. This is the best encouragement you can give.
Studies show that social support from a partner is crucial for individual well-being and relationship success. Partners offering encouragement and understanding during difficult times fosters a sense of security and strengthens the relationship.
6. Learn what makes your spouse happy and do it often
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This is the kind of thing you probably used to your advantage before you and your spouse said “I do.” It shows you have a genuine interest in your partner’s happiness when you do the things that bring them joy.
Research has shown that happiness in a marriage flourishes when spouses give generously to each other. Noted marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., discovered that couples whose ratios of saying or doing at least five positive things for each negative interaction have the greatest marriages.
Discover what you can do to put a spark into your marriage, kindle the flames of passion, and make your marriage hot.
Jon Beaty is a writer and blogger with over 25 years as a business leader and church leader.
