After I Stopped Saying No To My Husband, I Learned 7 Powerful Lessons
My entire marriage changed after I stopped saying no to my husband.
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I stopped saying no to my husband for 30 days. Why? Out of desperation. At a peak moment in a heated argument, he looked me in the eye and said what I consider the worst thing I could hear from someone I love: "You don’t respect me."
I wasn't the only one to blame. But it began to dawn on me that it didn't matter who was to blame. I had the power to make a change. It was going to take courage and humility but hey, fear and competition certainly weren't working.
I wasn't sure where exactly to begin so I decided I'd just stop saying no to my husband for a month and see what happened. I didn't tell my husband about my plan. I just switched off my "no" button and texted my best friend daily to keep myself accountable.
After I stopped saying no to my husband for 30 days, I learned these lessons:
1. He treated me better
My biggest hang-up with this whole experiment was fear of total disempowerment. I didn't want to be a doormat. But as it turned out, my husband treated me like a queen when I became more agreeable.
Instead of digging his heels in, he began asking me how I felt about his decisions and then honoring those feelings. His choices were more reflective of my needs when they originated from positive interactions instead of negative ones.
2. We stopped arguing
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When I deferred in every situation, there was nothing left to argue about! When we didn't clash, we got along great, and it reminded me of our early days of dating. This creates a sense of understanding, validation, and being heard.
This can prevent conflicts from escalating as both partners feel more connected and respected, allowing for smoother communication and compromise. However, a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that while being open to discussion is beneficial, a wife should still be able to express her needs and disagree when necessary, as constantly saying 'yes' can lead to resentment.
3. I finally chilled out
I realized I was fine with many things that had seemed to matter so much. Who really cared which wall we hung which painting on? I enjoyed his movie picks more than I had expected, and I valued our time watching together so much more than the movie itself.
When I got out of the mindset that I needed things my way all the time, I realized going with the flow released me from the pressure of big decisions.
4. I realized how many smart ideas my husband has
Saying no becomes reflexive over time. When I removed the word from my vocabulary, I found myself opening up to my husband's ideas and really considering them.
I realized how well-thought-out and sensible his plans were. He often takes into account safety factors that I miss entirely and he thinks ahead in a way that I often neglect to do.
While I was set on vacationing in the Caribbean, he looked ahead and knew it was the stormy season. He decided upon Greece, which had perfect weather and I couldn't have been happier.
And while I wanted to save money by assembling our furniture ourselves, he insisted we hire someone who could properly anchor it to the wall. As a mom of small children, I appreciate that kind of practical thinking.
This can create a psychological dynamic in which a wife starts to perceive more smart ideas from him, primarily due to a combination of positive reinforcement, confirmation bias, and a desire to maintain harmony in the relationship.
A study published in the Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders concluded that avoiding conflict by readily agreeing can create a sense of ease and harmony in the relationship, which can further encourage the wife to see her husband's ideas in a positive light.
5. I became receptive to the many gifts I didn't even realize my husband was trying to give me
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In the days of "no," I had no idea how many times I turned down what could have been enjoyable experiences for me and chances for my husband to feel good about treating me right. When he suggested we grab a pizza, I thought I was just being honest when I declined because I wasn't hungry.
I said no to going out to a movie because I was tired and it just wasn't worth the trouble. When he offered to run an errand or build something for me, I felt that my refusal would save him the effort, or that I could get it done faster or better myself.
In truth, I had shut him out by erasing his chance to make me happy. Saying "yes" allowed me to appreciate him and allowed me to bask in the feeling of being cherished.
6. I took better care of myself
Being receptive to another person opened me up to indulging in self-care. I found myself getting manicures and spending more time at the sauna, without the guilt of indulgence.
When I take good care of myself, I'm so much better equipped to care for another. My attitude improves, and that benefits both of us.
Fostering a sense of connection and validation, which in turn encourages you to prioritize your well-being, as it becomes easier to recognize that you deserve care and support, just like you offer it to others. An American Psychological Association study concluded this can be explained through concepts like empathy, self-compassion, and the positive impact of healthy relationships on mental health.
7. I felt good all the time
Agreement and deferment frame my world, which leaves my physical expression toward my husband soft and my tone gentle and open. I find myself smiling all the time and enjoying a peaceful aura through which I now experience daily life.
So, have I sworn off "no" forever and ever? Not completely. I do choose "yes" most of the time. "No" has a place too, but I'm so much more reflective and less reactive than I used to be.
When I say "yes," I'm open to its positive effects. And when I say "no" it's never from a place of fear or uncertainty. I say "yes" when things aren't that important and, of course, I always say "yes" to love.
Elisa Cinelli is a former news writer for Babygaga and her work has been featured on Scary Mommy, Her View from Home, and more.