6 Sneaky Communication Traps Even Strong Couples Keep Falling Into, According To Family Psychologist
Avoid these typical communication blunders.
Brooke Cagle | Unsplash Effective communication is vital — even for strong couples. While disagreements are natural, recurring or explosive arguments signal a need to change how issues are addressed. Dr. Anthony Chambers, a family psychologist, notes that conflicts often arise around money, romance, and parenting — issues rooted in an unhealthy focus on fairness instead of happiness.
Shifting this mindset and adopting more constructive tactics can help couples fight "well."
Here are 6 sneaky communication traps even strong couples keep falling into:
1. Criticizing the partner as a person
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Arguments are likely to escalate when couples start conversations by critiquing their partner’s value as a human being.
There’s a difference between saying, “My feelings are hurt because you did x, y, and z” and, “You do x, y, and z all the time.”
When criticisms toward a partner’s behavior become a conversation about that person’s overall value, arguments will surely blow up and become a much bigger and worse conversation than they need to be.
And it leads to defensiveness — another cardinal sin in an argument.
The solution: be as specific in your criticism as possible.
To stop a conversation from being about the legitimate critique of a partner’s behavior to comment on their personhood, make sure that all conversations are as specific as possible, and use “I” statements as much as possible, as in, “I felt hurt when I saw you do this, because x, y, and z.”
According to Chambers, couples should also remember that fairness does not matter in a relationship; happiness does.
“We all have the right to be right, but there’s a very low correlation between being right and happy. One thing I’m always trying to work with couples on is being able to focus on what will be helpful in this moment and what will help them increase their happiness.”
So, calling your partner a thoughtless person because they forgot to do the dishes before you came home again, even though they promised? That could be correct.
But it won’t make anyone happier.
2. Responding defensively
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Chambers says a conversation about relationship problems can quickly derail when one person immediately gets defensive.
“Sometimes I’ll work with couples where, the minute their partner brings up something, they say, ‘Oh, that’s not true.’ And all of a sudden they’re going back and forth debating that.
They don’t ever understand the real problem and what’s behind it all, let alone even get to a solution, because they disagree with the definition. That’s one of the things that can escalate a conversation to a confrontation,” says Chambers.
Suppose one person’s immediate reaction to a partner bringing up a problem is to disagree that it’s a problem. In that case, that will almost assuredly lead to a nasty and unproductive argument.
The solution: Display trust in your partner. If one person in the relationship comes to the other with a problem, it’s a natural reaction to try to fight against that problem by thinking it doesn’t exist.
But that’s the wrong way to handle concerns, says Chambers.
“Start with the assumption that there is some validity to your partner’s concerns. Once you feel that validity, embrace curiosity — even if you don’t understand the problem. You at least want to be able to approach it through the lens of being curious, rather than being judgmental or critical. That is something that can help to open up the conversation, and to be able to help and understand each other, in a much better, more nuanced way,” he says.
3. Stonewalling and invalidating one another
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Sometimes, especially when the same argument about money, intimacy, or the kids has happened more than once, couples start what Chambers refers to as ‘stonewalling’ each other.
“Stonewalling is incredibly toxic. When your partner is trying to communicate with you, and you just shut down and are not voicing anything, that can also escalate a fight,” says Chambers.
The solution: prioritize making one another feel heard.
Stonewalling is often a tool that couples employ when they have started to feel resentful of one another.
Chambers says the only way to avoid stonewalling is by preventing resentment from building up in relationships.
There is no opposite or cure: work through the built-up resentment, be honest, and listen.
“Resentment doesn’t happen in any one interaction. Resentment comes from feeling wronged, repeatedly, over time. If you feel like the conversation won’t go anywhere or you’re not going to be able to voice your opinion, when you get to a place where you become resentful, stonewalling is one of the ways that we cope. The best thing to do is to avoid that. And you avoid that by maintaining that there is validity in your partner’s concerns, and by being curious about what your partner is coming to you with. That will help you maintain a certain level of closeness and connection.”
4. Bringing up issues at the wrong moment
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Chambers warns that starting a serious conversation about issues in a relationship after a few drinks is almost useless.
“If you have a few glasses of wine, your defenses are down, unfortunately, in a bad way. You are going to say whatever is on the top of your mind. It’s important to be thoughtful when you’re having a conversation about a hard topic.”
Otherwise, things might be said that each partner doesn’t mean, feelings will be hurt, and a regular conversation will turn into a blowout. The solution is to plan time for big talks.
While being able to talk freely about feelings and concerns is deeply important in a relationship, anything that a partner does that ticks the other person off when drunk, out with friends, or at a family dinner can wait.
A marriage will not end tomorrow if the issue isn’t brought up.
Chambers says that couples need to schedule times to air out their grievances in order to have healthy, calm, and productive conversations.
“It’s helpful for a couple to be able to have some predictability. Couples need to be aligned on what timing will work for both of them so that you can approach the conversation with the right mindset.”
5. Failing to pause and reconnect
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Chambers says it’s critically important for couples to take breaks during tough conversations, especially when they start to feel upset, anxious, or angry.
Not taking a break when getting increasingly angry will not help de-escalate a fight.
But there’s also a difference between taking a break in an argument and straight up walking away and making a partner feel unheard with no announced plan to return to the tough conversation.
The solution: take breaks and make set times to re-engage.
“I’ve worked with couples who say, 'I took a time out,' and then the other person says, ‘You walked out and left the conversation.’ That’s not a time-out. You really want to be able to communicate to your partner that this is a hard topic and an important topic, and that you’re starting to get too frustrated, and that you will revisit the conversation.”
In other words, walking away angry isn’t a break; it’s stonewalling.
Communicate that you need a break — say you can finish the conversation in five minutes or tomorrow.
6. Focusing solely on diagnosing the problem
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It is deeply important to be able to determine the real problem driving conflict between a couple.
But the conversation can’t stay “stuck” on what the problem is, warns Chambers.
Sticking to diagnosing the problem alone will drive feelings of hopelessness, anger, and upset.
The solution: keep your eye on the end game. According to Chambers, focusing forever on the problem itself will not help.
“Couples need to move away from diagnosing the problem and get more focused on how to solve the problem. Having a solution-oriented conversation can be incredibly helpful, and it’s much more hopeful and reassuring when you feel like you have a partner you are working with who can try and solve this problem, rather than assigning blame.”
Lizzy Francis is a writer and editor whose fiction and poetry have been published in magazines associated with New York University, such as the West 4th Street Review and the Gallatin Review.