7 Desperate Signs Someone May Be Suffering From Love Insecurity
The words and behaviors that can tip you off to someone who needs more than you expect.
ad-foto | Shutterstock Most of us are aware of the classic signs of being insecure: constantly needing validation from others, hiding behind too much makeup or a showy "gym bod", or fearful body language. However, sometimes insecurities show up in a way that is harder to diagnose as insecurity.
Sometimes these people are competent or even confident at work or in surface friendships, but when it comes to truly becoming close with someone, they develop a unique type of fearful behavior, love insecurity.
1. They're 'love anxious'
It’s amazing how many people talk about anxiety when what they really mean is a lack of coping mechanisms.
“Love anxious,” to be fair, is the term for people who are insecure in love and who maintain a state of constant worry in a relationship. They tend to crave others, are often worried about whether or not their partner loves them back, and freak out when you don’t text them back after 5 minutes. They may also be jealous and accuse you of infidelity.
The wrong “fix” they ask from others: “Reassure me!”
The actual fix you can suggest to them: Reassure yourself and practice building your self-esteem.
Disclaimer: There is actual, clinical anxiety that is different from what I'm calling "love anxiety". While both feel bad, they are different and the terminology does matter.
2. They're endlessly needy
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That feeling is not love, my child. It’s attachment, and attachment is unhealthy.
It’s a very human tendency, to be fair, but clinging to things is also the root of pretty much all of our struggles, from frustrations to anxiety, from anger to sadness, from grief to worry. We aren't doing anyone any favors when we let them drain us.
The wrong “fix” the ask of others: “Just ‘love’ me more!”
The actual fix you can suggest to them: Loosen up on your grip. Let go. You'll see love and connection bloom with a little distance.
3. Their standards are impossibly high
Life is imperfect. Everything is impermanent. Your pursuit of “perfectionism” is just procrastination and insecurity and illogical standards that don’t exist.
The wrong “fix” they ask of others: “Reassure me that I’m perfect.”
The actual fix you can suggest to them: Understand and accept that there is no perfect, and I don't need perfection to care for you (or anyone).
4. They focus on their own perceived negatives
Child, everyone has flaws.
I used to own a women’s clothing company, and if there’s one thing I learned about women and their body image, it was this: every single woman — even the petite size 00 — wishes her belly was just a little flatter.
If you choose to chase a flat belly, you are actively choosing disappointment and unhappiness. The solution isn’t in getting a flat belly. The solution is loving yourself for more important and reasonable things.
One of my favorite clients was a woman with a normal body. She was 5'10" and not overweight but by no means “skinny,” with generous hips and thighs, as well as the very human curves of love handles and an abdomen.
“I absolutely love my body.” She told me. “It is very good to me, and it is womanly.”
She had one of the best body images of any client I worked with (and I worked with several of “Those Girls” who other girls envy, like Instagram models, fashion bloggers, and petite 00s). She had her stuff together.
The wrong “fix” they ask of others: “Tell me that you don't see my flaws!”
The actual fix you can suggest to them: Understand that you are flawed, as is everyone, and accept yourself with love.
5. They're afraid to be disliked
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The incessant compulsion to be “liked.”
Look, this is fruitless and will only end in sadness. Because there is no universe where any person is liked by every other person. The only person who needs to like you is you, and you haven’t even managed that.
The wrong “fix” they ask of others: “I'll change so you like me no matter who you are."
The actual fix you can suggest to them: They don't really like you if they don't know you. Grow into who you are and let that person face the world.
6. They crave unconditional acceptance
Lol, especially when the demands are for big words like “acceptance.” The big word you want from us — the one you tether and bind up in “love” — but outright refuse to give yourself.
The wrong “fix” they ask of others: “Accept me.”
The actual fix you can suggest to them: Accept yourself. I can't fix something that is an "inside job" within yourself.
7. They are convinced of their helplessness
Expecting anyone else in your life to resolve your insecurities — or your insecurities by another name — is the opposite of what you should be doing.
The wrong "fix" they ask of others: Help me so I never have to grew stronger or push my boundaries.
The fix you can suggest to them: You alone are responsible for seeing things for what they are and resolving them.
Kris Gage is a contributor to Yourtango who writes on mental health and happiness.
