Psychology Says If You Have A Fear Of Rejection, It Might Be A Sign Of A Bigger Issue
Plus, a plan for overcoming your fear so you don't end up isolated and alone.
SIphotography | Canva When you struggle with friendships, it's easy to spiral into low self-esteem. Looking around, it can feel like everyone knows something you don't. After a while, anxiety around socializing gets worse and you wonder why you are so sensitive to it.
If this is familiar, it could be ADHD. It's common for people with ADHD to feel emotions more intensely, have fewer friends and fewer invites, and experience greater rejection than their neurotypical peers. Sadly, many of these people may not realize they have ADHD, as studies have shown that many young adults don't relate to traditional signs and symptoms of ADHD as much as they relate to issues like emotional dysregulation and rejection sensitivity.
If you find yourself wanting to mingle and chat but you’re haunted by past mistakes, you should know that this feeling is common for people with ADHD. The best part? You don't have to let it define you.
Why intense fear of rejection can signal ADHD
Many people with ADHD struggle to pay attention to the person they are talking to, overwhelmed by negative thoughts and self-criticism. This can make them seem detached or awkward.
In addition, people with ADHD can get caught up in verbally processing what others are saying and then begin blurting out too much information (TMI), inspiring feelings of awkwardness and anxiety. Soon enough, the negative experiences feel like they outweigh the positive ones and that triggers rejection sensitivity.
Negative social experiences accumulate in people's memories
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Studies show that many people with ADHD struggle to pay attention to the person they are talking to, overwhelmed by negative thoughts and self-criticism. This can make them seem detached or awkward.
In addition, people with ADHD can get caught up in verbally processing what others are saying and then begin blurting out too much information (TMI), inspiring feelings of awkwardness and anxiety. Soon enough, the negative experiences feel like they outweigh the positive ones and that triggers rejection sensitivity.
You have been rejected before, in fact, probably many times. The result? Now, even little, perceived or expected rejection can make you feel uneasy and apprehensive.
The actual cause or intensity of the situation is often not proportional to the reaction. Even if you sense rejection, your body may go into fight, flight, or freeze mode — an ancient alert system designed to save you from a charging saber tooth tiger!
You end up in a terrifying cascade of emotions and reactions that feel terrible.
"Negative emotions are just as valid and important as positive emotions," advised educator Anna Thea. "And being emotional doesn’t mean you’re weak. Your emotions are part of your guidance system — letting you know when something’s not quite right. Gaining access to this guidance system will free you from emotional overwhelm"
Past rejections and conflicts can trigger fears and social anxieties
Rejection sensitivity (RS) is "the tendency to anxiously expect, readily perceive, and intensely react to rejection,” according to the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience.
RS can be a huge issue for people with ADHD because of our difficulty in regulating emotions. Most of them have a long history of actual rejection.
Feeling emotions intensely can physically hurt, which, in turn, impacts their willingness and ability to solidify meaningful relationships.
Adults with ADHD may notice or misinterpret tiny changes in body language
As an adult with ADHD, when we try to engage socially, we often personally interpret even the slightest change in tone or response to text or comment, which in turn triggers Rejection Sensitivity.
You may get angry, cry, or say things that will eventually lead to rejection. To avoid these sensations, many end up people-pleasing, not inviting others, or not asking for what they need or is in their best interest.
How to manage rejection sensitivity when you have ADHD (or not!)
I created a tool — The 4 R’s — to help you gauge an emotion’s intensity. Each step centers on helping you figure out how intense your emotions feel in order and what strategies to employ.
1. Notice the intensity of your emotions
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Identify the intensity of the emotion. Are you in the "red," as in, is your face flushed? Are you fighting back tears? Is your stomach or fist clenched? Or are you in neutral yellow or relaxed green?
The higher emotions go up, the more cognitive ability goes down. That means less rational thinking, which can lead you to be harder on yourself and less rational with others.
Recognize where you are on the intensity meter and respond with an appropriate strategy:
Green: This is the lowest of intensities, where you're primarily in a positive space. You can engage in dopamine production strategies such as walking barefoot (a grounding activity), sewing, doing crafts, and engaging in guided meditation.
"Meditation doesn’t have to be such a big thing," explained psychotherapist Emy Tafelski. "Meditation can be just a few minutes when you focus inward and are completely present with your experience, whatever that experience is. It can help you to feel more at ease, less anxious, more in touch, and connected to yourself and those around you."
This is a time to implement daily preventative strategies to help you cope with inevitable stressors and triggers.
Yellow: This is the middle ground of intensity, as you're elevated emotionally yet still have control over your emotions. Employ the portable strategies you have developed during the green phase to calm your limbic system and help avoid moving into fight, flight, or freeze.
Avoid conflict and put your energy into getting back into the Green. Walk the dog, take deep breaths in and out, engage in something creative or a mindfulness activity, cuddle a pet, or meditate.
Try a technique called "havening" to self-soothe and calm your limbic system.
Red: In this state, you may be entering fight, flight, or freeze mode. When emotions are in the red — or very high — it's not the time to act out, bring up heated topics or ask for things that may not be granted.
Quickly take advantage of the calming strategies you have developed in advance. Physical activities can lessen the effects of increased blood pressure, struggles with breathing, and a rapid heart rate, and are best to prevent falling into the fight, flight, and freeze cycle.
These include jogging or jumping jacks to expel energy and increase serotonin and dopamine levels.
2. Check in with your logical mind
Double, triple-check your reasoning. Ask yourself, "What story am I telling myself? What evidence is there that this story is true? What else could it be?"
This is super important because our initial interpretation of a situation is often incorrect due to heightened emotions or personalization.
Further, when you perceive rejection, even if it isn’t true, you're more likely to react and anticipate rejection in the future.
3. Reframe the intensity of your emotions
Consider other possible reasons for their response. Perhaps they didn’t accept the invitation because they were busy or had already seen that movie. Often, what you perceive as rejection is just a conflict of needs.
What if you need more help?
Healthy, realistic interpretations of others’ reactions are critical for your emotional well-being. If these strategies don’t work for you, or if RS is a significant issue for you, consider working with a therapist.
Evaluating past situations can help you move forward more confidently. In addition, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT, as described by the APA, and Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a form of CBT, or even a CBT workbook that you can use on your own, can help you work through these issues.
What if all of this is still not working? If this is the case, work on your social skills to help reduce the risk of being rejected in the future.
Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed. is a personal coach who works with children with ADHD and the families who support them.