13 Non-Obvious Signs Your Partner's Upset And Doesn't Know How To Tell You
If these signals sound familiar, you may have inadvertently hurt your partner's feelings.
TONL Imagery | Canva Your partner may seem like Prince Charming at times, but contrary to what Disney may suggest, your partner is a human being. This often-overlooked fact of life means that your partner will always have moments where they laugh, cry, and yes, also get their feelings hurt.
Since your partner is human, you need to make sure that you show love and care for them, particularly when it comes to sensitive subjects. Sometimes a partner is upset and doesn't know how to express hurt, so pay close attention if any of these things start to happen in your relationship.
Here are the signs your partner's upset and doesn't know how to tell you:
1. They stopped nagging you about that thing you never do
People tend to think that seeing someone stop complaining is a good thing, but it’s not. Generally speaking, if they kept asking you to do it and you never did, their cessation of asking means they gave up on you.
That’s a sign they no longer want to try to tackle issues because they feel too hurt and discouraged to bother with trying.
2. When they say they're 'fine,' you can tell they aren't fine
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Many people who have grown up in tough situations don’t want to admit when they’re hurt out of fear of confrontation. So, they bottle it up. They’ll tell you they’re fine, but they’ll seem more distant or sad around you.
This is often interpreted as a defense mechanism, where they avoid expressing their true emotions. This could be due to a fear of vulnerability, conflict, or feeling like a burden, often stemming from learned behaviors in childhood.
An early 2007 study recommends validating their feelings by letting them know you are there to listen and acknowledge their emotions, even if they don't explicitly express them.
3. If you were emotionally honest with yourself, you know you did something hurtful
If what you did would have upset you, it would likely upset your partner, too. It’s way better to admit guilt and realize when you’ve done something hurtful than it is to try to brush it under the rug.
4. You notice your partner giving you the 'how could you' look
You know which look I’m talking about. It’s that one, inimitable, unmistakable look that people give when they really, truly are hurt. If your partner regularly looks at you with the same expression as a kicked puppy, you probably hurt them pretty badly.
This is likely a mix of feelings, including shock, disbelief, hurt, anger, and a deep sense of violation. They are experiencing a significant breach of trust in the relationship, often triggered by a perceived action or inaction on your part that they interpret as a betrayal.
A 2021 study recommends initiating a calm and honest conversation to understand what specifically triggered their reaction and address any underlying issues. If the situation is causing significant distress or impacting the relationship, consider seeking couples therapy to work through the issues.
5. Though your partner is normally mellow, they're shouting at you and crying
It takes a lot for a person who's almost always on a calm, even keel to get riled up and turned up to eleven like they are at this moment. If they’re this upset, chances are you may have done something that got them that angry beyond just tripping a wire.
6. Your partner's friends suddenly become icy toward you
The main reason why someone’s friends turn against you is that they have heard you upset your partner. If it’s gotten to the point that they don’t want to talk to you, your partner may have complained that you seriously upset them.
7. There's no affection between you
No hand-holding, no kissing, just a few forced-feeling hugs here and there — all these are signs that something’s seriously wrong with your partnership. If this is a recent development, then it’s safe to say you may have caused your partner enough pain to push them away from wanting any kind of intimacy with you whatsoever.
8. You notice your partner is uncoupling
If you messed up enough to warrant a breakup, you’ll probably notice some uncoupling taking place. This is a series of behaviors that people do right before they leave, such as adding distance between you two, prioritizing others, putting their finances in order, and other acts that separate themselves from you.
Conscious uncoupling is a process that aims to help people gracefully separate and move forward positively. A study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that it involves acknowledging the end of a relationship and taking responsibility for one's actions.
It also involves respecting the other person's feelings, decisions, and perspectives. The goal is to create new agreements and structures that minimize damage to both people and children.
9. Your partner resorts to passive-aggressive tactics around you
Passive aggression is not healthy in any relationship, and, frankly, has become a dealbreaker in my book. If they’ve gotten to the point that passive-aggressive digs and sniping remarks are the norm, they clearly are hurt.
However, they are also incapable of addressing this healthily, at this point. In this situation, it’s often best for both parties to call it quits.
10. You try to talk to them but it's like pulling teeth
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A partner that no longer wants to speak to you about anything is a partner who has probably had enough of trying to talk to you. Once again, if it’s gotten to this stage, whatever has been going on has effectively killed the relationship, and that means it’s no longer salvageable in most cases.
Psychology research published in a 2017 study indicates that a partner's resistance to difficult conversations often stems from a fear of conflict, vulnerability, or a lack of practical communication skills.
These resistances can be rooted in attachment styles, past experiences, or personality traits like avoidance tendencies. If not addressed openly and with healthy communication strategies, they can lead to relationship issues.
11. They say things like, 'Do you even listen when I'm talking to you?'
There are very few things as hurtful as feeling, or, worse, genuinely being ignored by someone you care about. If your partner feels like you don’t listen to them and, including details that are important to the things they talk to you about, they — like anyone else, yourself included — will feel like they don't matter to you. And that's hurtful to any significant other.
12. They make off-handed jokes about leaving
Whether we like to admit it or not, there’s a lot of underlying truth to our senses of humor and how we express them. If they’re joking about leaving you, you shouldn't take this lightly. They’re probably really thinking about it because they’re shouldering a lot of hurt you caused them.
13. Your partner straight-up told you that you hurt them
If your partner has told you that something you did was hurtful, listen to them. At this point, they are saying that your behavior is upsetting them and that they want to continue the relationship, but they need to feel heard and understood. Listen to them and work with them if you want to keep them.
It can be difficult to accept responsibility in a situation, even if you are a self-aware, mature adult, simply because no one ever knows everything about other people's soft spots, weaknesses, triggers, and emotions.
We aren't all wired the same way. We also never have all the information about everything that may be going on at a given time.
So, while you can allow yourself a small amount of grace, you still owe your significant other an apology and the due diligence to take accountability for how you may have hurt them, including doing your best to understand how your words or actions (or both) contributed to the situation at hand.
They may not want to talk about it, but you need to be the one to knock on the door and ask if they're willing to open it and talk things out.
Sometimes, everything amounts to what was truly a miscommunication, in which case you can try to clarify what your good intentions were in the moment, but tread carefully, because emotions may be running high for both of you.
Perhaps there is a behavior your partner wishes you had not done — maybe even on a repeated basis. In this case, it's up to you to decide how you wish to proceed.
If your partner matters to you more than constantly forgetting to do your share of the household chores, or not checking in when you keep canceling plans on date night so you can hang with the guys, be considerate and start prioritizing your partner from now on in these instances.
If you continue running into the same issues, though, or things get even worse, it might be best to consider professional help, or breaking up so you can give each other the chance to find happiness outside of a relationship that isn't working for either one of you.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.