6 Signs Your Marriage Is Healthier Than The Average Couple, According To Psychology
Look for these signs to know when love has won.
LightFieldStudios | Canva The comfort of a lasting relationship can get so familiar you might start thinking there is a problem. Yet, the same comfort and relaxation in a marriage is also a great indicator of relationship health
Here are 6 signs your marriage is healthier than the average couple, according to psychology:
1. You can resolve conflict without contempt
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A sign your marriage is healthier than most is how you handle conflict. While many couples second-guess their entire relationship when disagreements arise, a healthy couple views conflict as a natural part of growth, as outlined by The Gottman Institute.
Instead of screaming or shutting down, they approach it with calm, respectful conversations, using it as a chance to better understand each other and reach meaningful compromises that strengthen their bond.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP practitioner
2. You can recognize an issue without blame
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When working with clients, I can tell whether a dynamic is healthy when both partners agree on the issue at hand and don't cast all the blame on their partner for it — not even when the partner is the one struggling with an issue, as supported by a study from the Journal of Marriage and Family.
I'm always concerned when:
- One partner thinks everything wrong in the relationship is the other partner's fault or
- I hear conflicting perceptions of the relationship.
Sometimes their points of view are so different it's as if they are in different marriages! That's a big red flag that tells me their communication and compatibility levels are very poor. But when both partners agree on the nature of their problem, and accept they need to modify their behaviors to make things better, I see a functional couple ready to work as a team to make progress.
— Gloria Brame, Ph.D., therapist, author
3. You have similar life goals
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Some people might have a long-term plan of moving to Italy one day when their kids are grown. Another might be planning on staying locally wherever the grown kids are with their families. These are not the same plans and would be tricky to combine.
I know it might seem far off in the distance, and plans can easily change. However, sometimes family dynamics can take precedence over other plans, wanted or otherwise. A study published in Psychological Reports suggests it’s good to talk things out just to see where you both currently are regarding the future. It’s also fun to talk about your dreams with each other. You never know where they will take you!
Successful relationships are about being friends, admiring each other, and feeling fortunate that you found the right mate. If the two of you can discuss these subjects then you are off to a great start in terms of being with the right mate!
— Susan Saint-Welch, Counselor/Therapist
4. You feel safe with each other
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When we feel unsafe, whether consciously or unconsciously, our nervous system goes into overdrive. We become hyper-vigilant, constantly on edge, and unable to fully relax. This can manifest as anxiety, insecurity, or even defensiveness in our connections with others.
If you don’t feel safe in a relationship, you won’t be able to bring your best self to the table. Instead, you’ll bring a version of yourself that is anxious, overstimulated, and unable to fully connect. You might disengage, start a fight, or ruminate on otherwise inconsequential things.
The Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy points out that even if your partner is the most amazing person on the planet, you may unconsciously sabotage the relationship because deep down, you don’t feel safe.
5. There is a wealth of intimacy
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A 2004 study conducted at Dartmouth and the University of Warwick in England drew on a sample of 16,000 people. They found that intimacy factors strongly into a person's overall happiness.
Those who reported no intimate activity were noticeably less happy than the average person.
The typical American has intercourse two to three times a month (regardless of income), and despite the myth, married people have much more intimacy than those who are single, divorced, widowed, or separated.
The findings of the study were clear: The more intimacy, the happier the person. They estimated that increasing intercourse from once a month to once a week is equivalent to the amount of happiness generated by adding $50,000 in yearly income for the average American.
And by far, the happiest folks are those having the most intimacy. The point system that the happiness researchers use shows us that a couple being intimate four times a week has a large effect on their happiness. Both women and men in their research derive a great deal of happiness from being intimate,
— Linda and Charlie Bloom, Marriage and Family Therapist
6. You made it past year ten
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The hardest year of marriage happens around your 10th anniversary. I was not surprised to learn that in a study conducted by Brigham Young University, 2000 women surveyed over the course of 35 years, say their highest level of marital dissatisfaction occurs around the 10th year of marriage.
The study uncovered that after 10 years, festering issues become full-blown complaints loud enough to disrupt a household or break a family’s heart.
There are many women, I am sure, who never experience this tension ten years into marriage. They deal with uncomfortable subjects as they arise, and address differences before they fester and their relationship toddles forward at a comfortable and manageable pace. For them, maybe ten years isn't the hardest years of marriage. Maybe they were given tools early on that helped them avoid anyone's "hardest" year — at least one caused by marital issues.
This is where healthy relationships should be.
— Reta Faye Walker,Ph.D., Relationship Coach
Of course, a long-lasting healthy relationship can be indicated in as many different ways as there are relationship combinations. These examples are some of the core ways you can tell if your marriage is doing alright, even if it is not all rainbows and fireworks every day.
Take a moment to congratulate each other on making it this far!
Will Curtis is a creator, editor, and activist who has spent the last decade working remotely.