6 Powerful Ways To Create Intimacy With Literally Anyone, According To Psychology
Cultivate more intimacy in your relationships.
Anna Pou | Canva Most of us have experienced situational intimacy when gazing into our partner's eyes or over a candlelit dinner. When you experience those sweet moments, you know how truly fleeting they are and how they leave you wanting more. However, situational intimacy alone does not allow a marriage to thrive.
Here are 6 powerful ways to create intimacy with literally anyone, according to psychology:
1. Say what you mean
Censoring your words or concerns because you're worried about how your partner is going to react doesn't allow you to feel heard and causes misunderstanding. Since real and lasting intimacy is about letting them experience the real you, and say what you mean, as evidenced in research from The University of West Florida on communication style and marital satisfaction. Doing so helps your partner feel comfortable in saying what they mean and brings you closer.
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2. Be vulnerable
Real intimacy doesn't always feel good. It includes letting the one you love inside, even when you don't feel great emotionally. A study from The National Library of Medicine on empowered vulnerability and conceptualization of intimacy supports that if feeling hurt, instead of shutting down or being passive-aggressive, explore the emotions coming up and share them with your spouse in a loving manner.
3. Show compassion
Real intimacy is messy sometimes because the raw, uncut aspects of you and your partner usually surface. Have compassion when this happens. You're both doing the best you can based on where you're at, the lessons you're meant to learn, and the growth you're meant to experience, as supported by a study on the impact of compassion.
4. Listen openly
When you disagree with what your partner is saying or doing, don't judge them or make them wrong. Research asserts that you need to listen openly by finding the grains of truth and letting different perspectives exist (unless they're truly immoral or unethical).
5. Be fully present
If you find yourself preoccupied with other things when you're with your spouse, nudge your attention to the present moment. Research from Antioch University shows how we experience intimacy in the present moment, and being present as much as possible deepens connection.
6. Focus on your partner's wonderful qualities
After years of being together, your partner's quirky habits and characteristics are likely to become annoyances! Instead of letting those quirks get to you, see them as your partner's unique, highly lovable imprint. What you focus on is what you experience more of — so focus on your partner's wonderful qualities, as suggested by a study from the American Psychological Association on the positive psychology of love.
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Why intimacy is essential
When life gets busy, daily tasks get in the way of intimacy. Work, chores, and child-rearing are top priorities, so cultivating intimacy is probably the last thing on your mind. If you try to connect with your partner and don't get the response you hoped for, you hesitate to try again.
The reality is that successfully cultivating daily moments of intimate connection results in a deeply fulfilling marriage by:
- Keeping romance alive
- Helping both individuals feel understood, connected, cherished, and loved
- Having each other's backs and knowing you're on the same team
- Reducing conflict and misunderstanding
- Increasing satisfaction
- Creating an overall sense of well-being
- Increasing each partner's self-esteem and self-worth
Research on love and infidelity supports that cultivating intimacy also reduces the chances of cheating and divorce. And ultimately, intimacy is essential to a happy and healthy marriage.
The deeper meaning of intimacy
Intimacy is more than physical connections after candlelit dinners. It's about letting your spouse experience the real you — the good, the not-so-good, and self-perceived bad. When you're hiding imperfect parts of yourself, you're rejecting yourself and showing up as someone else. Real intimacy can't exist when one (or both) are trying to appear a certain way and showing up as someone else.
The deeper meaning of intimacy happens when you release yourself from the expectations of what you should fully be and embrace being your true self — flaws, imperfections, and all. When you're your true self, you're comfortable in your skin, which also helps your spouse feel comfortable in his skin. By showing up as yourselves, you get to know each other at a deeper level and cultivate a more intimate connection.
The deeper meaning of intimacy is found in the journey, not in the instant gratification mentality cultivated by society. This journey is a process of time and patience. You're beautifully simple and complex at the same time — simple like the shape of an onion and complex like the many layers of an onion's anatomy. Peeling back these layers of being to reveal the core of who you are fosters a deeper sense of intimacy.
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How to cultivate real intimacy
If real intimacy is missing in your marriage, it's not your fault. Intimacy wasn't a subject taught in school. Here's the main lesson you should know: real intimacy is more about who you're being and less about what you're doing (situational intimacy).
You don't have to wait for your spouse to show more intimacy to have a happy, healthy, and fulfilling marriage. Start cultivating intimacy, and you'll positively influence your spouse. Because of the nurturing environment you'll be creating for your marriage to thrive, he will likely feel inspired to reciprocate the intimacy in their way.
Janet Ong Zimmerman is a dating and relationship coach, the founder of Love for Successful Women, and the creator of the Woo Course: 9 Juicy Ways to Bring Out a Man's Desire to Woo You. She helps successful women find the love they desire.