13 Sad Signs You Love Someone Who Will Never Love You Back The Same Way, According To Psychology
Sometimes the love you crave just isn't reciprocated in the way you need it.
Katie Chen | Unsplash It's painful to realize the person you love can't give you the love you deserve. Even when you know something isn't good for you, feeling "not good enough" can make you settle for less than you deserve. In my practice, I work with women who chase the feeling of being worthy, often placing their sense of worth in someone else's hands — a move that leaves them vulnerable to feeling "less than." Ideally, we would make relationship decisions from a place of strong self-worth, attracting partners who meet our needs, but it's not always that simple. If you abandon yourself to chase love, you end up feeling rejected for who you are and believing your needs don't matter. Without recognizing your value, you risk accepting far less than you're worth.
The key is learning about yourself first. When you know and honor your worth, you'll spot the warning signs that someone isn't right for you. You'll stop asking, "Am I good enough?" and start asking, "Are they good enough for me?" — a subtle but powerful shift. You have to treat yourself the way you want to be treated by a partner, setting a clear standard for the love you deserve. So, before you question whether you're enough for someone else, ask the more important question: Does this person truly deserve your love?
Here are 13 sad signs you love someone who will never love you back the same way, according to psychology:
1. They're not invested in the relationship
Slowly, they start withdrawing from you. They stop showing an interest in anything in your life because they're not interested. They avoid spending time with you because they're not invested in the relationship.
2. They drip-feed you with love when they have no one else
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They want you only when they're lonely and want you on their terms. You’re simply there to fill the empty void when they have no one else.
3. Their relationship with you started for all the wrong reasons
You got scared of not finding anyone else. Perhaps, you hooked up with them to get over your ex because you feared being alone or single. You ignored the red flags because you saw their potential.
You felt sorry for them or thought they could change. Perhaps, they have too much leftover baggage that is weighing on you.
Be cautious of falling for someone because of how they made you feel in the beginning, even if you don't like the person. Anyone can tell you what you want to hear to meet their own needs.
Feeling unlovable or unworthy of love can lead individuals to seek out partners they perceive as being 'good enough' or 'worth' their time, even if those partners aren't truly a good match. A 2018 study revealed that if the initial motivations are rooted in low self-esteem or a need for attention, the relationship may perpetuate those patterns, creating a cycle of negativity.
4. They treat you like a secondary option, not the first choice
Don't choose someone who hasn't chosen you. If they tell you they're not ready for a relationship, it's a clear sign this is not what you deserve. Don’t hold on, hoping you can convince them to prove you’re worthy of their love.
5. The relationship feels one-sided
Perhaps you’re the giver, and they are the taker? Are you the only one initiating contact? They don't put any effort into the relationship and prioritize their self-interests.
6. They insult you personally
They belittle you by finding faults in you, so you feel there is something wrong with you. Research revealed that insulting behavior can be a symptom of underlying problems in the person's own life, such as low self-esteem, insecurity, or a history of negative experiences.
They might use insults to control or manipulate you, making you feel guilty or reliant on them. In addition to insults, other red flags to watch out for include gaslighting, controlling behavior, and isolation from friends and family.
7. They don't seem to want a relationship
Keeping you, so you’re holding on by a thread, means they maintain their hooks in you. Be cautious of someone who doesn't want a relationship but doesn't want to let you go — this gives them permission to have their cake and eat it too.
8. They treat you like a 'side chick' and not their equal partner
Be careful of anyone who keeps you as their 'side chick." They make you feel adored, but in reality, they keep you a dirty secret that is unknown to their friends or family.
9. They're not the person you think they are (and that you've fallen in love with)
You can hold onto the person you want them to be when their actions don't match their words. Sometimes, it's difficult to accept things when they don’t become the person you envisage them to be.
People might idealize someone they are attracted to to cope with low self-esteem, feeling that they are not worthy of a partner who is 'perfect' in some way. Research published by Cambridge University explained that falling in love with an idealized version of someone can also occur in unrequited love scenarios, where the individual might attach to the idea of the person they can't have, rather than accepting the reality of the situation.
10. Their paranoid fears and insecurities are killing the relationship
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No matter how much you love them, it will feel like it’s not enough effort. They keep testing your love to prove how much you love them, wanting more from you. Nothing you do will ever be good enough for them.
11. They twist your words and turn things around so you’re 'to blame'
Everything you say gets misconstrued and turned against you. When you pull them up on their behavior, they gaslight you, so you doubt yourself. They don’t see you for who you are.
12. They’re emotionally unavailable
They will dismiss your feelings and tell you to get over it, instead of wanting to understand how you feel. A 2018 analysis revealed that emotional unavailability can stem from various factors, including past experiences, personality traits, or learned behaviors. While the other person may be struggling, your emotional needs also matter. Consider whether the emotional unavailability is negatively impacting you and whether the relationship is fulfilling your needs.
13. They project their faults onto you
They accuse you of cheating, lying, or being selfish when this represents who they are, but they are not willing to look at themselves. If you’re treated like any of these, the person you love doesn’t deserve your love. They don't love you for who you are but for what they can get from you. You deserve more than the breadcrumbs of affection.
To attract the right partner, you deserve a love that is reciprocal. When you accept who you are, you can attract someone who accepts you for who you are. Once you start to know your worth, you can attract the love you truly deserve.
You attract someone who treats you the way you allow them to treat you. It starts with you, and then you attract someone who resonates with how you treat yourself.
When you stop attracting what's not good for you, you will attract someone who's aligned with who you are. This way, you can feel loved for the person that you are. You can attract a partner who accepts you for who you are and not simply based on what they need from you. When you place true value on yourself, you won't settle for less than you deserve.
Nancy Carbone is an author, relationship therapist, and psychodynamic therapist. She specializes in the treatment of personality disorders and relational trauma and is accredited as a mental health social worker.
